BREAKING NEWS: THE LATEST ON THE LITTLE PANDEMIC THAT COULD

REVEALED! THE SOURCE OF THE CURRENT SPREAD OF MONKEYPOX: Lately, the concerted efforts of the Drs. of WHO and the CDC appear focused on generating a media wave of premature panic concerning what they hope is an accelerated and exponential contagion spread rate that would elevate a recent emergence of an old germ into the little pandemic that could and open new opportunities for Tony Fauci to appear on the covers of several newsmagazines as well as appearing as a special musical guest on the next season opener of Saturday Night Live (the appearance naturally contingent as to whether the extinction of the human race by one of the good doctor’s sideline medical experiments doesn’t precede the contracted airdate). However, in the spirit of real scientific investigation, the diligent journalists of the Huffing Tongue Science Desk have amassed voluminous evidence documenting the unique circumstances under which the initial animal to human transmission of the newest favorite zoonotic mischief maker has taken place. You’re welcome Medical Science! 

Will Hillary Be Ready for a New Clinton Campaign?

HITTIN’ THE STREETS WITH NOWHERE TO GO: A feisty haggard Hillary jubilantly demonstrates a favorite aerobic exercise known as “the Lewinsky”, recently wrapping up the second year of her global “I’m Gonna Cry ‘Til They Give Me The White House” tour, in which she reached the ears of dozens of interested listeners

by Alden Branch, Swain News Service

    With Chelsea Clinton making suggestions that she is ready to enter the political arena, political observers are scrambling in anticipation of a new era of Clintonian machine politics:  Hillary as Political Advisor. The twice-failed presidential candidate and self-described “villageist” has recently wrapped up her global gripe tour denying any truth to continuous rumors of exhaustion or ill health that would prevent another exhaustive campaign run, and demonstrating the state of her health by coughing up her spleen “with tremendous vigor” as explained by Pantsuit One air hostess N’Wanda Yr’dull.

    “I have never seen anyone as healthy or with the stamina of Secretary Clinton”, assured Democratic spokeswoman Dee Nile, who later cited an incident where the former Democratic Candidate actually lifted a “very heavy piece of toast to her own mouth, with only three days rest.”

    Concurring with that assessment is Clinton Special Medical Advisor, Robotics Expert Dr. O. L. Cann, who stated, “I categorically guarantee you that no former Presidential candidate has more hair on their chest than Secretary Clinton.”

Breaking News: Senate to Consider Disease Legislation?

 by Lampika Jitters, Swain News Service

    Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer’s office released a scathing rebuke on the recent reports from the Dept. of Health and Human Services suggesting that the massive numbers of illegal immigrants entering the country may be carrying parasites and infectious bacteria to which normal manual bathings with such popular cleansing agents as Purell and Phisohex may not provide adequate protection. A statement attributed to Schumer’s office cited the “necessity of America’s preserving as many communicable diseases as possible in an effort to make the influx of the new waves of nocturnal immigrant commuters feel right at home.” Among the other moves Schumer’s office suggested in helping America promote a more culturally accessible atmosphere to newcomers are the elimination of spoken or printed language,  nutritional standards, The National Review and refrigeration. ” In a supportive move, California Governor Jerry Brown’s office has called for the elimination of ICE, except in the making of Highballs.

ACLU Files Suit to Ban All Celebration, Joy, Happiness

by Melba Alice Minty, Swain News Service

    The American Civil Liberties Union, in a move that is bound to have far reaching ramifications on the upcoming Labor Day, Halloween and 2 for 1 Day at Annie’s Pretzels, has filed a class action suit against America for what it sees as a flagrant violation of the Constitutional guarantee of any individual to hamper, annoy and frustrate. “The First Amendment specifically guarantees every individual’s right to free expression, but no mention is made of unity, cohesion or agreement,” says ACLU spokesperson Demi Gog-Pfeiffer, who filed papers in the Manhattan 3rd District Circuit Court on Wednesday. “The right of disagreement This is an action to protect the rights of those in this country who have an inability to pass by one of those insipid Salvation Army kettles at Christmastime without spitting in it. Their right of expectoration must be defended!”

    The suit, titled in the case log as ACLU v. Holiday Joy, cites violations of the First, Third, Fourth, Seventh, Ninth, Eleventh and Twenty Third Amendments, in a far reaching suit that attacks the “human spirit by crushing the wish to remove sentiment, cordiality and brotherhood from enforced societal acts of harmony, thus identified in said suit as Holidays, or in the instance of individual identification, inclusive of but not limited to: Christmas, Channuakah, Kwaanza, Easter, Passover, Valentine’s Day, the Fourth of July, Halloween, Arbor Day, Thanksgiving, Veteran’s Day, Memorial Day, New Year’s Day, April Fool’s Day, President’s Day, National Donut Day, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday and especially Sunday.”

    ACLU spokesperson Rodan Witstiffle said of the suit, “It has been a long time coming, and frankly, it’s about time we put a stop to all of the foolishness of celebration and get back to the depressive malaise that comes naturally with the Winter through Autumn season and especially the Entertainment Awards Season.”

Six year old Mitzi Pym under federal indictment for civil rights violations when she constructed a snowman last February in her front yard that a next door neighbor claimed was “staring at me.” “Just part of the malicious campaign of holiday thuggery that must come to an end ,” says ACLU spokesperson Rodan Witsniffle.

   Opponents of the action are quick to point out that the suit intends to suspend their rights to free expression and speech, guaranteed under the Constitution, but Witsniffle disagrees: “This is a misreading of the Constitution, as I’d expect from that rabble who hide under that umbrella of “the general public.”  Thankfully, the ACLU is here to protect them from themselves and their aversion to allowing us to tell them exactly what their rights of free thought are.”

    Already, a court injunction has been placed on one six-year-old Mitzi Pym of Fog Bank, Minnesota for what Witspittle calls “a malicious and deviant hate crime against the civil liberties of all decent Americans this past December by the malicious act of  creating a ‘vulgar work which emasculates the Black Man, insults Hispanics, is misogynous toward women and is a blatant attack on the LGBTM-O-U-S-E community, when she conspired to construct a symbol of White Snow Supremacy. Whitspittle promises a relentless campaign of legal actions and name calling “until America wakes up and asks what happened to the time honored traditions of walking through icy sludge and developing a comsumptive crouping cough?” 

172 Year Old Civil War Vet Discovered at Local IHOP

by Alden Branch- News Desk, Swain News Service

A man who claims to be 172 years old, and a veteran of the American Civil War was found loitering over a spanish omelette in an International House of Pancakes located in downtown Gettysburg, Pennsylvania. Chelmsford Chaney who claims to have wandered off of the local battleground after, in his words, “waiting for the rest of my regiment to come and get me”, was questioned by local police when he attempted to pay for his meal  with Confederate bills.

UP IN ARMS: Weatherbeaten and Grizzled, but not looking a day over 160, Chelsford Chaney greets the press at an impromtu media conference.

“I was hiding down in what is known as Seminary Ridge, under a large rock formation, and was waiting for the word to retreat, but no one came,” said the extremely weathered and grizzled man who claims to be the last living soldier of the War Between the States. “I was told to wait for three hours for further instructions,” he said, “but my watched stopped, and I’ve never had a very good sense of time. And then I got hungry so I wandered over here for a bite to eat.”

News of Chaney’s discovery spread around the Civil War-based tourist town with the veteran already receiving several offers for interviews and an offer to be on the next season of “Dancing With the Stars”, but Chaney thinks he’d like to “take it easy for a few days and perhaps take in a show this weekend. I heard rumors that Jenny Lind might be performing at the local theater.” When questioned as to the reason for his extended stay in the pancake restaurant, Chaney simply stated, “I was waiting for my check.”

 

News in Briefs: Ron Paul Announces: I Would Not Vote For Me

by Krebus Toppel, D.C. Desk-Swain News Service

NO PEST GRIP: Ron Paul demonstrates the Vulcan death pinch he uses to keep "pesky Republicans" at a distance.

Republican presidential hopeful Ron Paul announced yesterday that he will not support any candidate chosen to be the GOP nominee for the White House in 2012. Citing loyalty with the differing political philosophies of his contributors and supporters versus the rest of the Republican field, Paul went so far to suggest that he won’t support anyone for the Presidency.

“Congressman Paul has made it very clear that at this particular time, there is no qualified candidate to run the country,” said Paul spokesperson Clu Lesser. “As a matter of fact,” he continued, “I have it on good authority that the Congressman advises against voting for him as well.”

“I’ve heard rumors to that effect,” says Paul campaign coordinator Exeter Gravyboat. “Dr. Paul is a firm believer in smaller government and you can’t get much smaller than not electing someone.”

“It’s a fascinating concept,” said Dr.Crainius Kingspittle, Dean of the School of Proportionately Superior Thinking and Chest Thumping at Harvard University. “Choosing ‘no choice’ for the White House is certainly a choice. Not the choice I would choose but a choice to choose nonetheless. But in choosing that choice, is the choice a smart choice? After all, who would officiate at the annual Thanksgiving turkey pardon or sleep with the First Lady?”

Whatever the final outcome, it’s certain to be an interesting election season with campaign signs already littering front yards in New Hampshire, featuring a glowering photo of Congressman Paul with the caption: “Don’t Vote For Ron Paul- Ron Paul Wouldn’t!”

News in Briefs: Biden to Greece: Let Them Eat Feta

by Krebus Toppel, D.C. Desk-Swain News Service

OUR MAN JOE: Appearing at the University of Pittsburgh on Friday, Veep Joe Biden educates the students by bringing his world globe to point out "countries and the big wet places where fish swim."

In a typically open display of political candor, Vice President Joe Biden, while speaking to a group at the University of Pittsburgh on Friday, referred to the Greek people as “peppy folk like that Zorba fella” and suggested that if Greece is facing grave financial times then “perhaps they ought to go ask help from that Travolta actor. After all, he was in the movie version and probably made a few bucks. Him and that Aussie singer Olivia Elton-John.”

The Vice-President said that he was sorry he didn’t get to attend the week’s meeting of Economic World Leaders in Cannes, France especially since he too “likes the glamorous moving pictures. Especially the ones with Spanky and that crazy Alfalfa. He’s a hoot.”

When asked if he had any updates on the week’s G-20, the Vice-President excitedly announced: “Bingo!”

HELP WANTED: Person to Repel Imperialist Dogs

by Alden Branch, Swain News Service

In the midst of the economic crisis facing this country and the stalemate in Congress over President Obama’s fractured Jobs Bill, it would seem unusual to admit that domestic policies are having long-term effects on foreign joblessness, but that’s exactly what’s happening to Middle Eastern terrorist organizations of late. It seems that the recent deaths of several top operatives including Osama Bin-Laden, have left career positions open that few are eager to fill.

“It’s a growing problem,” admits Lattimer Spinebend, Director of Monstrous.com, a world-wide employment agency. “Today’s youth are looking for expansive career opportunities with growth potential, and a fatality rate just gets in the way of a good vacation schedule. And while the promise of 72 Vestal Virgins is an employment inducement, it doesn’t hold a candle to a good dental plan.”

NO LONGER A 10?: Ever since the untimely drone dispersal of sneery mastermind Derekderek Bo-Derek, the Middle East market has turned soft when looking for qualified terror leaders with a photogenic grimace.

Right now, the personnel ranks for such companies as Saudi Arabian-based Al-Queda Ltd. LLC (listed on NASDAQ as GRRR) are overburdened with internships and middle management but the executive class has thinned to all-time low levels. Says Undisclosed Shadowy Source, “If something isn’t done soon to implement a strategic restructuring of the corporation, I don’t see us surviving past  more than another thirty or forty fierce Anti-American taunts and  tongue lashings.”

The lack of a cohesive leadership has had many effects beyond the organizational; funding has recently been in short supply. “We have tried many fundraisers to generate revenue,” says Fiesel Fiesel Ted-Geisel of ShootBulletsInTheAir.com, “but, you know, it’s a bad economy and all. We really took a bath on those ‘I Love Gaddafi’ bumper stickers.”

Fortunately, as with many desert tales, the cavalry has come to save the day, or in this case, the U.S. dollar. It seems that foreign terrorist organizations have applied to the U.S. government for DOE green technology loans and in several cases these applications have been approved.

Says Ramid El-Fasid Kabong of the Syrian underground dating group Meet Your Martyr, “This will be a great help in our fighting the Great Satan and paying our back cable bill.”

“We have received  inquiries from Congressional leaders about this,” admits Department of Energy spokesperson Abel Diffeuse, “and as far as I have been able to detect, all of the paperwork is in order. For instance, this application from the Detach The Head of American Infidel Hidden Cell Collective proposes plans for new explosive sources of energy that are not dependent on foreign oil sources. This is just the kind of thing we are looking for, energy efficiency that’s identified as American!”

Recently the DOE has been under scrutiny for several questionable loans given out, including one for the development of the Fisker automobile, which was intended to create jobs in America and cars for privileged Americans, and though the $529 million loan has, in fact, produced a car for Leonardo DiCaprio,  some dissatisfied Republicans are grousing that the company has moved it’s design and production facilities to the European Detroit: Finland.

“We won’t have that problem with this group,” promises Diffeuse, “as they claim they are ready to move their Hidden Cells onto our shores as we speak.”

NEWSFLASH: Gaddafi Burial Details Revealed

by Jaspar Apismo,  Swain News Service

TAKING THE FINAL PLUNGE: "It appears someone goofed," said Libyan observer Noodel Al-Ramen, "the burial called for a sandy place but someone must have thought they said 'go to the sandbox'".

Days after the accidental beating and shooting death of Libyan dictator Muammar Gaddafi, The Hufffing Tongue Post has received access to exclusive footage of what is believed to be his supposedly secret burial . Witnessed by only a few unnamed persons and his cat Minxy, Gaddafi was buried under strict Libyan Rebel rules befitting rulers who “live a peaceful life, honor thy women by wearing thy clothing and scattering thy seed unto the fold in prelude to screaming, killing, torturing and maiming.”

Exclusive footage of the presumed burial obtained from unnamed sources was too shaky to provide a clear image and so the film was sent to one of the most respected digital effects houses in Hollywood, where it was recreated at no small expense using the latest in CGI technology as well as featuring noted stunt cat “Halibut” who was previously seen in the motion pictures “The King’s Speech”, “Million Dollar Baby” and “Critters 3”. During the recreation production, agents from the ASPCA were present to ensure that no animals were harmed in the making of the footage. Sensitive viewers are to be advised that the footage is extremely graphic.

Celebrity 24 Celebrity All-Nude Photos!

by Anonymous, Special to the Swain News Service

Girls! Girls! Girls! Explicit photos of some of the most celebrated women in Hollywood and beyond are here for your perusal!

….Now that we have your attention. This has been a Test of the Emergency Blog Viewing System. Had this been an actual emergency we’d be sure and mention gratuitous sex to get your attention since nothing else seems to work. tsk tsk. Shame on you. This has been a Test of the Emergency Blog Viewing System.