Archive for October, 2011

HELP WANTED: Person to Repel Imperialist Dogs

Posted in humor, news, news parody, political humor, satire with tags , , , , on October 29, 2011 by chandlerswainreviews

by Alden Branch, Swain News Service

In the midst of the economic crisis facing this country and the stalemate in Congress over President Obama’s fractured Jobs Bill, it would seem unusual to admit that domestic policies are having long-term effects on foreign joblessness, but that’s exactly what’s happening to Middle Eastern terrorist organizations of late. It seems that the recent deaths of several top operatives including Osama Bin-Laden, have left career positions open that few are eager to fill.

“It’s a growing problem,” admits Lattimer Spinebend, Director of Monstrous.com, a world-wide employment agency. “Today’s youth are looking for expansive career opportunities with growth potential, and a fatality rate just gets in the way of a good vacation schedule. And while the promise of 72 Vestal Virgins is an employment inducement, it doesn’t hold a candle to a good dental plan.”

NO LONGER A 10?: Ever since the untimely drone dispersal of sneery mastermind Derekderek Bo-Derek, the Middle East market has turned soft when looking for qualified terror leaders with a photogenic grimace.

Right now, the personnel ranks for such companies as Saudi Arabian-based Al-Queda Ltd. LLC (listed on NASDAQ as GRRR) are overburdened with internships and middle management but the executive class has thinned to all-time low levels. Says Undisclosed Shadowy Source, “If something isn’t done soon to implement a strategic restructuring of the corporation, I don’t see us surviving past  more than another thirty or forty fierce Anti-American taunts and  tongue lashings.”

The lack of a cohesive leadership has had many effects beyond the organizational; funding has recently been in short supply. “We have tried many fundraisers to generate revenue,” says Fiesel Fiesel Ted-Geisel of ShootBulletsInTheAir.com, “but, you know, it’s a bad economy and all. We really took a bath on those ‘I Love Gaddafi’ bumper stickers.”

Fortunately, as with many desert tales, the cavalry has come to save the day, or in this case, the U.S. dollar. It seems that foreign terrorist organizations have applied to the U.S. government for DOE green technology loans and in several cases these applications have been approved.

Says Ramid El-Fasid Kabong of the Syrian underground dating group Meet Your Martyr, “This will be a great help in our fighting the Great Satan and paying our back cable bill.”

“We have received  inquiries from Congressional leaders about this,” admits Department of Energy spokesperson Abel Diffeuse, “and as far as I have been able to detect, all of the paperwork is in order. For instance, this application from the Detach The Head of American Infidel Hidden Cell Collective proposes plans for new explosive sources of energy that are not dependent on foreign oil sources. This is just the kind of thing we are looking for, energy efficiency that’s identified as American!”

Recently the DOE has been under scrutiny for several questionable loans given out, including one for the development of the Fisker automobile, which was intended to create jobs in America and cars for privileged Americans, and though the $529 million loan has, in fact, produced a car for Leonardo DiCaprio,  some dissatisfied Republicans are grousing that the company has moved it’s design and production facilities to the European Detroit: Finland.

“We won’t have that problem with this group,” promises Diffeuse, “as they claim they are ready to move their Hidden Cells onto our shores as we speak.”

NEWSFLASH: Gaddafi Burial Details Revealed

Posted in humor, news, news parody, political humor, satire with tags , , , , on October 27, 2011 by chandlerswainreviews

by Jaspar Apismo,  Swain News Service


TAKING THE FINAL PLUNGE: "It appears someone goofed," said Libyan observer Noodel Al-Ramen, "the burial called for a sandy place but someone must have thought they said 'go to the sandbox'".

Days after the accidental beating and shooting death of Libyan dictator Muammar Gaddafi, The Hufffing Tongue Post has received access to exclusive footage of what is believed to be his supposedly secret burial . Witnessed by only a few unnamed persons and his cat Minxy, Gaddafi was buried under strict Libyan Rebel rules befitting rulers who “live a peaceful life, honor thy women by wearing thy clothing and scattering thy seed unto the fold in prelude to screaming, killing, torturing and maiming.”

Exclusive footage of the presumed burial obtained from unnamed sources was too shaky to provide a clear image and so the film was sent to one of the most respected digital effects houses in Hollywood, where it was recreated at no small expense using the latest in CGI technology as well as featuring noted stunt cat “Halibut” who was previously seen in the motion pictures “The King’s Speech”, “Million Dollar Baby” and “Critters 3”. During the recreation production, agents from the ASPCA were present to ensure that no animals were harmed in the making of the footage. Sensitive viewers are to be advised that the footage is extremely graphic.

Celebrity 24 Celebrity All-Nude Photos!

Posted in humor, news, satire with tags , , , , , , on October 26, 2011 by chandlerswainreviews

by Anonymous, Special to the Swain News Service

Girls! Girls! Girls! Explicit photos of some of the most celebrated women in Hollywood and beyond are here for your perusal!

….Now that we have your attention. This has been a Test of the Emergency Blog Viewing System. Had this been an actual emergency we’d be sure and mention gratuitous sex to get your attention since nothing else seems to work. tsk tsk. Shame on you. This has been a Test of the Emergency Blog Viewing System.

Obama-Biden Find Their Backs To The Future

Posted in humor, news, news parody, political satire, satire with tags , , , , on October 25, 2011 by chandlerswainreviews

by Masterson Johnson, Swain News Service

    Heedless of the ongoing controversy surrounding the bankruptcy of fledgling Green Technology Manufacturer Solyndra, sources at the White House have revealed that both President Obama and Vice-President Joe Biden will spearhead a national effort to promote the burgeoning technologies of Tomorrow that all analysts insist will be the bellwether of international economy in the near future.

    The push will encompass massive expansion of infrastructure and complete overhaul of the transcontinental transportation system.

    “It’s time to roll up our sleeves and get to work solving problems instead of problem solving,” said the President at a confused conference of Bulgarian diplomats who neither understand English nor give a hoot about America’s infrastructure.

Obama Going To The Dogs: In a spirited moment, The Prez manipulates his image of Secretary of State Hillary Clinton.

    “In retrospect, it wasn’t the most thought out conference we’ve ever held,” said White House spokesperson Myah Opiah, “but the good news is, the delegation was very amused by the President’s display of shadow puppet wizardry. Some languages reach across all borders.”

    Indeed the formal display of dozens of different barnyard animals through finger manipulation seemed hypnotic to the delegation who seemed not to be able to believe what they were witnessing, and there were apparently several requests for the President to repeat his mule manipulations as several mutterings of “jackass” could be heard from the crowd.

The substance of the President’s message was very clear: “America needs to move into the future,” he said forming a llama with a clenched fist and a pinkie finger. “It’s not as if we can go back in time, but if we could it would be real cool ’cause that cave chick who looked like Raquel Welch was really foxy.” With this in mind, President Obama and V.P. Joe Biden have spearheaded a plan to put America, if not back on it’s feet, at least back riding the rails.

    “Trains are integral to our future advancement into the future,” said the President, posing significantly with an impressively majestic cloud formation behind his head. “They were the lifeline of our country for over a century and they have been shabbily treated. If they were good enough for our great-grandfathers, they’re good enough for us.”

    “It’s called the H.O.B.O. Initiative,” said Department of Transportation Deputy Commissioner of Evading Rail Conductors, Eliza Piffle. “In this economy, we’re particularly excited about the notion of  the youth of our nation experiencing the grandeur of our Nation again, especially from the top of a boxcar.”

ALL ABOARD!: Unidentified member of White House staff poses with prototype of Obama sponsored rail technology that the Prez has given Amtrak a blank check to develop.

According to undisclosed White House source Special Agent Thaddeus LipSlip, now formerly of the Presidential security detail, the inspiration for the rail plan came one morning last August during a Cabinet briefing which was occasionally interrupted by Vice President Joe Biden “making ‘Woo Woo’ sounds and circling the table acting like a locomotive, shaking a box of Good ‘n Plenty in front of him. After doing this several times, the President seized upon the idea of reconstructed trains which he put immediately to paper… well as immediately as he could after unclenching the Vice President from the choke hold he had him in.”

Skeptics of the plan state that enthusiasm for railroad travel has diminished since the advent of more rapid forms of travel such as cars, airplanes and jogging, but the President remains resolute in his support of the plan.

Says White House spokesperson Myah Opiah,”The President remains resolute in his support of the plan. Suppose the American people gave up on hula hoops, the typewriter or the wireless radio, where would we be now?”

Environmental critics have pointed to the fact that locomotives run on coal, hardly a clean source of energy and that the resulting addition of toxic pollutants to the atmosphere could have dire consequences to the planetary climate, including continued enlargement of the hole in the Earth’s Ozone layer.

“This is a lot of fuss over nothing,” says EPA Deputy Chief Director of Sneers and Dismissals, Pontius Hammersmith. “We’re talking about Antarctica for crying out loud. This is not the concern of America but the concern of Antarcticans. I suggest if you want to talk about Ozone holes over Antarctica, you tell all of those penguins and prehistoric monsters down there to stop using so much aerosol hair spray.”

Casey Jones could not be reached for comment.

Biden Accusing Teachers of Rape, Murder?

Posted in education, humor, news parody, political humor with tags , , , , on October 22, 2011 by chandlerswainreviews

by Phoebus Mink, Swain News Service

This week, Vice President Joe Biden boldly announced that if President Obama’s pared-down $35 billion Jobs Stimulus package, geared specifically toward teachers and first responders, were not passed, it would mean a widespread increase in violent crimes including rapes, murders and the Kennedys being unleashed on the highways after Happy Hour.

DON'T ASK, DON'T TALK: Veep Joe Biden demonstrates the Obama Administration's new "Bend Over and Assume the Position" position in paying off the nation's teachers to refrain from further violent antisocial activity.

Clearly, with this announcement, the Administration reveals it’s view of America’s education class as a dim one, with the suggestion that if the nation’s teachers are not kept off the streets, they will retaliate with a widespread epidemic of  violence, smoking outside of the Teacher’s Lounge and in the case of a third grade class in Wetpants, Nebraska, falsifying students’ “permanent records which will follow them around for the rest of their lives.”

Discarding their usual message of “Hope”, the Obama Administration seems to be gearing toward a bolder message of “Cringe” that they feel will engage an increasingly disconsolate voting public. While making his dire crime predictions, the Vice President also shocked the attending press by announcing the probable lengthening of cold and flu season, the continuation of the NBA strike and the continued production of “The Apprentice” unless Congress passes the controversial bill.

ECONOMY IN THE SIDE POCKET: The Obama Administration puts new spin on the phrase "dropping the ball", but in their attempts to stimulate job growth with further government stimulus, will all "signs point to yes"?

Rumors around the Nation’s Capitol have been rampant as to what, outside of the threat of joining the Nation’s unemployed, could be fueling this shift in White House optimism; with speculation there is a new source of economic advisement consulted by the administration, but Biden’s responses to the press after his announcement contained no clues as his comments were limited to “My reply is no”, “Reply Hazy, Try Again” and “Concentrate and ask again”.

Some G.O.P Presidential hopefuls are seizing upon this philosophical shift to attack the President on the grounds of “you’ve got the job and I want it.”

From Texas Governor Rick Perry’s campaign headquarters came this message: “The Governor wants it known that he is totally opposed to the views of those who are opposite his viewpoint in what would otherwise be an agreement of views.”

“I think the statement speaks for itself,” said Perry Campaign Coordinator Olive Singleton-Pitt. “The Governor will release an appropriate response as soon as either Cain or Romney say something that makes them look foolish.””

Former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney’s reaction to the latest White House reversal was more specific and full of anger. “Listen,” he said, “I only have one wife and have never considered being a Mormon crazy!”

In the meantime, this week, Vice President Joe Biden is scheduled to speak in Baltimore, in front of a national conglomeration of law enforcement officers, warning of the dangers of stray hall monitors and guidance counselors.

“The sky may not be falling just yet,” advises White House spokesperson Myah Opiah, “but before it does, you can bet the Vice President will be out there sounding the alarm.”

BOSOX BLAME BLOW-OUT ON BULLPEN BOOZEHOUNDS

Posted in baseball, Boston, humor, news, news parody, Red Sox, satire, sports, sports parody with tags , , , , , , , , , on October 20, 2011 by chandlerswainreviews

by Alkie Grubbucks, Sports Desk- Swain News Service

DATELINE- BOSTON  In the days since their historic slide from an assured place in the American League playoffs to off-season unemployed bottom dwellers, the Boston Red Sox have undergone a personnel vasectomy, lopping off vital parts of the team in an effort to save face and diminish the volume of incoming junk mail to the front office.

BOOZE-O-VISION: The question now is whether Red Sox pitchers saw rival batters as competitors or as milky hazes?

Key amongst these changes was the release of team manager Terry “Tito” Francona, who according to Red Sox President Larry Lucchino was not released due to the unprecedented slide into hellish oblivion his team took in September, but due to community sensitivities in surrounding ethnic neighborhoods. “We are very sensitive to the wonderful people of Yugoslavia, or whatever those people call their country nowadays, and we didn’t want any further emotional turmoil caused by our manager’s constant reference to that awful country’s former dictator,” read a statement from the Red Sox front office.

To distract from an unfair fallout on Bosox manager Francona for the historic slide of the team, owner John Henry (above) attempts to distract the press by faking his own death; the plan foiled as no one could tell the difference.

Reaching Team Captain, veteran catcher Jason Varitek about the situation, he commented only by saying, “uhhh.”

This might have been an accepted scenario were it not for an exhibition of last-minute theatrics by Principal Owner John W. Henry who, while Francona was announcing his ouster from the team, was staging a valiant distraction campaign by tripping over his laces and falling on the deck of his yacht cum aircraft carrier, bumping his head and paralyzing the New England health care system by keeping every doctor on call in case they were needed for surgical support and emergency bill padding. After personally telephoning every media outlet in a nine state radius, Henry was rushed to the hospital in an ambulance that took a mere three hours to travel the four blocks from the docking pier, followed intently by media helicopters from all over the globe.  “It was touch and go, until he arrived at the hospital,” says Chief Surgeon Dr. Imperius Chester Thumper, Director of Mass. General Hospital’s state-of-the-art Department of Hysterical Illnesses. ” It was one of the most perplexing cases of ‘aplexic contusive sternasis’ I’ve ever encountered; or, in layman’s language, a boo boo. When he arrived at the hospital he seemed to be in advanced state of rigor mortis, but was responsive to questions and seemingly back to normal.”

The Boston sports media, however, was not fooled by the ruse and took the incident with a grain of salt, one prominent Boston Globe columnist summing up the situation by saying, “My God! This could have been the end, I tell you, THE END! IT COULD HAVE BEEN OUR OWN 9/11!!”

Since then, new and damning allegations have emerged of players drinking during games, gorging on and greasing up their pitching fingers with Popeye’s Fried Chicken and playing clubhouse video games during crucial innings in the tumultuous September slide.

IN BETWEEN PITCH SNACK?: No matter what his ERA, Bosox hurler Josh Beckett was reportedly Team Captain when it came to CPI (Chicken Per Inning).

“I don beleef dis forra secon’,” said Juan Jose Garcia Ramirez Santiago Ortega-Martinez, night manager of the local Popeye’s franchise, across the street from Fenway Park. “Owr chikken ess no greezy. Wee spunge off de chikkens affer cookin’. No greezy.”

Popeye’s delivery man, Zindale “Spiderneck” Agula, has a different story.

“You bets we deliver t’ them guys all t’ time,” he said. “That cheapskate Beckett always came t’ the clubhouse door ‘n grabbed the bags o’ food and said “hey, look behind ya'” an’ when I turned he closed the door on me, ‘n stiffed me. After seven ‘r eight times, I din’ fall for that no more.”

About what has become known as the “Crispy Thigh Affair”, Red Sox Captain veteran catcher Jason Varitek would only comment by saying, “uhhh.”

The rumors about during-the-game drinking are particularly disturbing, especially when considering that it takes at least forty minutes in line at Fenway Park to get a delicious lukewarm brew: where were pitchers Beckett, Lester and Lackey getting theirs at a moment’s notice?

BOTTOMS (OF THE STANDINGS) UP?: Inside the Bosox clubhouse, referred to by team personnel as "The Speakeasy", with team bartender Manny Jigizup, who may not be able to pitch a curve ball, but mixes a mean Highball.

“It’s all on tap,” says clubhouse bartender Manny Jigizup, “you just put your glass under the spigot and pour a tall one.” It seems that as a condition of lengthy player arbitration, the Red Sox organization allowed many players contract bonus incentives, the rumored so-called ‘Kegger Clause’, to “maintain high spirits”, but details of these contracts have not been made available to the public. “That Theo, ” said Jigizup, “he really knows how to negotiate a contract. Can I pour you a pint?”

Theo Epstein, General Manager of the Red Sox has since resigned from his post on the hapless team, where he was instrumental in leading the team to two World Championships, ending an eighty six year drought, and has now moved on to a position with the Chicago Cubs, whose own record of 103 consecutive seasons without a Series championship needs serious attention.

“We’re thrilled to add Theo to our team,” says Cubs’ spokesman Mason Brickview. “The Cubs have found every way humanly possible to lose a chance at a Championship Pennant, but we’ve never had a major slide due to rampant team sanctioned alcoholism, obese  overeating and video game distraction. This kind of contribution could add an entirely new chapter to our team’s legacy!”

5.6 TONS ON THE RICHTER SCALE?: Bosox ace Josh Beckett exiting Fenway Park during the final month of the season. Fans question why alarm bells, or at least seismic readings, weren't attracting attention over the disgraceful clubhouse situation?

In the meantime, there remains the question of what to do with the smoking crater once known as Red Sox Nation? Bosox President Larry Luchino is optimistic about the future. Says front office spokesperson Denny Nile, “Red Sox staff, players and fans are all looking to put this behind us. The front office has taken firm action into correcting all of the problems with the team this year. Already plans are in the works to change over many of the concession personnel, repaint the rest room areas, add more seats to the right field section and, of course, raise ticket prices which the fans expect and would be alarmed that something is wrong if we didn’t.”

But what of the problems with the team itself, especially reports on undisciplined activity by the players? Nile waves away any such concerns.

“Let me tell you,” he said, “that we have already spoken to pitchers John Lackey and John Lester and both have agreed to suspend their clubhouse pole dancing competition until after the seventh inning stretch. By that time, neither would be in the game anyway. And have I not told you we’re firing several of the stadium hot dog and cotton candy vendors?”

When reached for comment on the entire situation, Red Sox Captain, veteran catcher Jason Varitek, responded by saying, “uhhh.”

Boston Mayor Thomas M. Menino could not be understood for comment.

It’s Official! The French Admit: “We are Annoying”

Posted in humor, news, news parody, political humor, political satire, politics, satire with tags , , , , , , , , , on October 13, 2011 by chandlerswainreviews

by Radley Eckstine- Paris Bureau, Swain News Service

Just walk the streets of Paris and you can sense there is something very different in the air. If you can see through the haze of cigarette smoke hovering over the sidewalk cafes on the Rue de la Grossierete Eternelle, there is an unfamiliar blank stare of malaise which has replaced the more familiar and beloved open sneer of contempt the people of the City of Light are famous for.

Jacques Bidet-Cruller, renowned social anthropologist and pinceur derriere, puts his doigt on the problem. “The lack of a  lack of passion for living is missing. It has been replaced by a palpable absence of lack of lack of passion. I was sitting at Cafe de boutons de manchette Yves Montand, and an American tourist couple walked by to ask directions, and there was not one single single snort of derision to come from the patrons. My world was upended! I wanted to cry.”

“A national identity is how a nation identifies itself nationally, and without this sense of national self, we’ll all be forced to carry photo I.D.s to identify ourselves to a nation struggling for it’s own identity on a national level.” So said an unidentified speaker who claimed to be French President Nicholas Sarkozy at a recent Paris conference of M.E.R.D.E., a national consortium of French intellectuals whose keynote address touched upon a national controversy which has been sweeping the country since last Thursday: “What does it mean to be French?”

ARE THE FRENCH FRIED?: Has the effort of annoying the world been too much for the French who may see their Reign of Taunting at an end?

This sudden and severe national identity crisis seems to have paralyzed the entire nation and  has been publicly emphasized with the publication of the latest edition of  Dictionnaire Francaises in which there was an alteration that stunned an already reeling nation. For centuries, under the word French, the definition has traditionally been listed as the following:

adj. 1. Of relating to, or characteristic of France and it’s people or culture. 2. Of relating to the French language. 3. Of a cumulative rudeness of a high level. 4. Of a selective genetic contemptuousness; being of superior attitude without cause.  n. 1. The Romance language of France. 2. (used with a pl. verb) The people of France.

However, in the controversial new edition, the definition has been updated and now reads as follows:

n. 1. French, Giles (alternately Mr. French) name of character popularized by British actor Sebastian Cabot on the American TV program “Family Affair”. 2. Group of people who Victor Hugo used to write about.. 3. Those who surrender. 4. A yellow mustard.

To add insult to injury, the listing is accompanied by a photo of Sebastian Cabot in his popular television role as the unflappable “gentleman’s gentleman”.

“It’s an outrage,” exclaimed French Minister of Cultural Superiority Jacques Bidet- Moret. “To think that an entire people is subordinate to a television character. I can attest to the fact that many of my fellow countrymen are entirely non-fictional!”

IT TAKES GAUL TO BE FRENCH: Will the Real Mr. French(man) please stand up?

In an effort to understand the growing psychological crisis, the French government, through the facilities of La Poste, sent a survey questionnaire to every household in the nation, attempting to ask the people themselves: What Is It to Be French?

In a stunning 70% mandate, the French voted overwhelmingly to admit they are “annoying”, while 20% voted for “uniformly intolerable”, 6% for “cute as a button”, 1% for “none of your damned business” and a mere .8% for “whatever the Fuhrer says”.

French Minister of Interior Design Jacques Bidet-LeBecque was stunned by the results. “I could not believe that La Poste actually delivered the surveys in a timely fashion and failed to go on strike even once during the process! Oh, what has happened to our national pride?”

Writer Gregarus Flippant, a native of New York City, whose study of the French “The Snort Heard ‘Round the World” takes an optomistic view of what others have termed “a crisis of national identity” but he merely sees as a brief period of fatigue. “They are simply tired,” he said, “individually and as a people. One cannot live of wine, baguettes and Nutella without it having some effect on your system. They’re simply experiencing a national hangover.”

“Historically, the French have always been contrary people, but we’ve always put up with them because Catherine Deneuve is so pretty,” says Prof. Zubin Motzah, Dean of French Studies at St. Probiscis University in Kensington, England. “However, if we closely examine the results of the French National Survey we can see that under the heading ‘What as a Frenchman Do You Dislike Most?’, the top answer is Weekly Baths With Soap, beating out Psoriasis by three to one and Nazis by over five to one. So, happily, traces of the French personality survive.”

This is little consolation to Fred and Minnie Carbuncle of Dryer Sheets, Florida, the direction seeking American tourists referred to earlier by Jacques Bidet-Cruller. “We did everything we could to annoy them,” cried Mrs. Carbuncle,”but they wouldn’t insult us. It was so humiliating!”

“Listen dammit, “said Mr. Carbuncle, “we even wore Ed Hardy shirts and nothing, no response. It’s infuriating! You spend a lot of money to come overseas to be insulted by the French and they can’t even spit in your direction? It’s intolerable. This is not what the brochures promised.”

The couple walked away, visibly shaken, but as they left, Mr. Carbuncle yelled to an Eiffel Tower that seemed to take no notice. “One thing you can count on, “he exclaimed in a voice filled with emotion, “Travelocity is going to hear about this!”