Archive for science

Obama-Biden Find Their Backs To The Future

Posted in humor, news, news parody, political satire, satire with tags , , , , on October 25, 2011 by chandlerswainreviews

by Masterson Johnson, Swain News Service

    Heedless of the ongoing controversy surrounding the bankruptcy of fledgling Green Technology Manufacturer Solyndra, sources at the White House have revealed that both President Obama and Vice-President Joe Biden will spearhead a national effort to promote the burgeoning technologies of Tomorrow that all analysts insist will be the bellwether of international economy in the near future.

    The push will encompass massive expansion of infrastructure and complete overhaul of the transcontinental transportation system.

    “It’s time to roll up our sleeves and get to work solving problems instead of problem solving,” said the President at a confused conference of Bulgarian diplomats who neither understand English nor give a hoot about America’s infrastructure.

Obama Going To The Dogs: In a spirited moment, The Prez manipulates his image of Secretary of State Hillary Clinton.

    “In retrospect, it wasn’t the most thought out conference we’ve ever held,” said White House spokesperson Myah Opiah, “but the good news is, the delegation was very amused by the President’s display of shadow puppet wizardry. Some languages reach across all borders.”

    Indeed the formal display of dozens of different barnyard animals through finger manipulation seemed hypnotic to the delegation who seemed not to be able to believe what they were witnessing, and there were apparently several requests for the President to repeat his mule manipulations as several mutterings of “jackass” could be heard from the crowd.

The substance of the President’s message was very clear: “America needs to move into the future,” he said forming a llama with a clenched fist and a pinkie finger. “It’s not as if we can go back in time, but if we could it would be real cool ’cause that cave chick who looked like Raquel Welch was really foxy.” With this in mind, President Obama and V.P. Joe Biden have spearheaded a plan to put America, if not back on it’s feet, at least back riding the rails.

    “Trains are integral to our future advancement into the future,” said the President, posing significantly with an impressively majestic cloud formation behind his head. “They were the lifeline of our country for over a century and they have been shabbily treated. If they were good enough for our great-grandfathers, they’re good enough for us.”

    “It’s called the H.O.B.O. Initiative,” said Department of Transportation Deputy Commissioner of Evading Rail Conductors, Eliza Piffle. “In this economy, we’re particularly excited about the notion of  the youth of our nation experiencing the grandeur of our Nation again, especially from the top of a boxcar.”

ALL ABOARD!: Unidentified member of White House staff poses with prototype of Obama sponsored rail technology that the Prez has given Amtrak a blank check to develop.

According to undisclosed White House source Special Agent Thaddeus LipSlip, now formerly of the Presidential security detail, the inspiration for the rail plan came one morning last August during a Cabinet briefing which was occasionally interrupted by Vice President Joe Biden “making ‘Woo Woo’ sounds and circling the table acting like a locomotive, shaking a box of Good ‘n Plenty in front of him. After doing this several times, the President seized upon the idea of reconstructed trains which he put immediately to paper… well as immediately as he could after unclenching the Vice President from the choke hold he had him in.”

Skeptics of the plan state that enthusiasm for railroad travel has diminished since the advent of more rapid forms of travel such as cars, airplanes and jogging, but the President remains resolute in his support of the plan.

Says White House spokesperson Myah Opiah,”The President remains resolute in his support of the plan. Suppose the American people gave up on hula hoops, the typewriter or the wireless radio, where would we be now?”

Environmental critics have pointed to the fact that locomotives run on coal, hardly a clean source of energy and that the resulting addition of toxic pollutants to the atmosphere could have dire consequences to the planetary climate, including continued enlargement of the hole in the Earth’s Ozone layer.

“This is a lot of fuss over nothing,” says EPA Deputy Chief Director of Sneers and Dismissals, Pontius Hammersmith. “We’re talking about Antarctica for crying out loud. This is not the concern of America but the concern of Antarcticans. I suggest if you want to talk about Ozone holes over Antarctica, you tell all of those penguins and prehistoric monsters down there to stop using so much aerosol hair spray.”

Casey Jones could not be reached for comment.

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Consumer Warning: Recalled Leaf Blowers May Lead to Inconvenient Rips in Space

Posted in humor, news, news parody, Obamarama, political humor, political satire, politics, satire, science with tags , , , , , , , , , on October 12, 2011 by chandlerswainreviews

by Jaspar Apismo, Swain News Service

The Federal Department of Garden Implements and Consumer Grumbling has issued a consumer warning that the Wormhole 6000 Coal Fueled Leaf Blower from Bent & Mangle Industries has been recalled due to safety issues detected in product testing at the independent laboratories of Gotcha, Sezyoo & Associates in Lost Fingers, Nevada.

Testing of the Wormhole 6000 Leaf Blower led the Fed to call for a temporary recall until it could be determined if suspected "tearing of the atmosphere" could be harmful to children under the age of 6. (Click photo to play test footage.)

“The blower was just too powerful,” said testing technician Homer Browridge. “Most equivalent equipment averages out about 120 to 240 Miles Per Hour of blowing power, but the Wormhole 6000 produced a force of over 1800 MPH. Needless to say, it might not be recommended around your more fragile perennials.”

“There’s an indication, just the tiniest, teeniest hint that the fabric of the universe could be imploded by one of these blowers, so we implemented a temporary recall just as a precaution,” admits FDGICG spokesperson Alicia Washhands. “On the plus side, it seems to really stimulate lawn growth.”

The manufacturer, the South Boston-based Bent & Mangle Industries had recently received a $537 million research subsidy from the Obama Administration for the development of “green technology” tongue depressors, but with this latest setback and the fact that the company has suspiciously abandoned it’s mail-box drop nor has anyone responded to messages on it’s answering machine, the funding may possibly encounter increased scrutiny by Congress.

Ms. Washhand admits there has been an increasing struggle for American manufacturers to compete with foreign markets on increasingly complex leaf removal technology.

“I’m not certain what has happened to American initiative in this case,” she said, “the innovations have always come from American engineers. We were the first to initiate standard operational features such as insulated cording, illegal alien operators and power throttles, but the manufacturing seems to be cheaper overseas.”

Though movement in the field of American lawn blowing technology may seem to have taken a hit with the recall of the Wormhole 6000, there may be a light at the end of the tunnel, at it comes from a most unlikely source. It seems before his untimely death, Steve Jobs was working on such a product that would revolutionize the field.

JOBS HAS DONE IT AGAIN!: A Huffing Tongue Post Exclusive- a first peek at the innovative design of a new generation of leaf blowers.

Says industry watchdog Morris Hempfilter, editor of the trade journal “Hoes Prose”, “there had been rumors for years about a secret project which would turn the landscaping world on it’s ear, and I’ve had the honor of actually seeing a prototype that has already been assembled. I guarantee you, after a period of testing, we’ll see a final expression of innovative genius that will change our world forever.”

CHINA INITIATES MOO SHU SPACE RACE

Posted in humor, news, news parody, political humor, politics, science with tags , , , , , , , , on September 30, 2011 by chandlerswainreviews

by Varan Tremulus, Swain News Service

The Chinese have initiated what is seen by many to be the first indication of free enterprise in space. The Communist ruled nation has startled the world by launching what is feared will become the first of many take-out restaurants in orbit around the Earth.

From the Jiuquan Satellite Launch Centre, in the Gansu Province, in the middle of the Gobi Desert, six blocks from the Fat Fo Funn miniature golf center, China launched the Tiangong 1, the first orbital module in the nation’s sweeping plan to nail down dominance in the orbiting strip mall market, with the ultimate goal of being the first to reach the moon by the year 2020.

China launches the Tiangong-1: many speculators feel will be the model for orbital take-out restaurants that will set up a strategic "Kung Pao Chicken Gap" in space.

“Don’t say anything,” snickers NASA spokeperson Buzz “Jacko” Strongjaw. “When we landed there in 1969, they didn’t have many televisions over there, so I don’t think they know we’ve already been there. So mum’s the word. It’ll just be our private joke.”

The White House was less amused. “President Obama is not going to sit around and watch the Chinese beat us to the Moon. The space race is back on,” vowed White House spokesperson Myah Opiah. When advised that America had already reached the moon, Ophiah was unfazed. “Then our work here is done, ” she declared. “Another triumph of unprecedented leadership from the Obama administration.”

Sources at the CIA and NSA are worried about the timing of the launch. “It’s no coincidence it’s happening now,” says intelligence insider Name Withheld, “you just watch. Once we abandon the International Space Station you just know those Commies are going to t.p. the place. It’ll set us back years.”

Speculation is rampant that NASA will partner with P.F. Chang’s to formulate a competitive program to present to the White House next week.