Archive for September, 2011

CHINA INITIATES MOO SHU SPACE RACE

Posted in humor, news, news parody, political humor, politics, science with tags , , , , , , , , on September 30, 2011 by chandlerswainreviews

by Varan Tremulus, Swain News Service

The Chinese have initiated what is seen by many to be the first indication of free enterprise in space. The Communist ruled nation has startled the world by launching what is feared will become the first of many take-out restaurants in orbit around the Earth.

From the Jiuquan Satellite Launch Centre, in the Gansu Province, in the middle of the Gobi Desert, six blocks from the Fat Fo Funn miniature golf center, China launched the Tiangong 1, the first orbital module in the nation’s sweeping plan to nail down dominance in the orbiting strip mall market, with the ultimate goal of being the first to reach the moon by the year 2020.

China launches the Tiangong-1: many speculators feel will be the model for orbital take-out restaurants that will set up a strategic "Kung Pao Chicken Gap" in space.

“Don’t say anything,” snickers NASA spokeperson Buzz “Jacko” Strongjaw. “When we landed there in 1969, they didn’t have many televisions over there, so I don’t think they know we’ve already been there. So mum’s the word. It’ll just be our private joke.”

The White House was less amused. “President Obama is not going to sit around and watch the Chinese beat us to the Moon. The space race is back on,” vowed White House spokesperson Myah Opiah. When advised that America had already reached the moon, Ophiah was unfazed. “Then our work here is done, ” she declared. “Another triumph of unprecedented leadership from the Obama administration.”

Sources at the CIA and NSA are worried about the timing of the launch. “It’s no coincidence it’s happening now,” says intelligence insider Name Withheld, “you just watch. Once we abandon the International Space Station you just know those Commies are going to t.p. the place. It’ll set us back years.”

Speculation is rampant that NASA will partner with P.F. Chang’s to formulate a competitive program to present to the White House next week.

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Jackson Nose Up in the Air

Posted in humor, news, news parody with tags , , , , , , , , on September 30, 2011 by chandlerswainreviews

by Jaspar Apismo, Swain News Service

As the fourth day of the involuntary manslaughter trial against Michael Jackson’s personal physician Dr. Conrad Murray begins, the media of the world has descended on the “City of Angels” with a ferocity not seen since Sarah Palin last announced that she would not announce any decision about deciding on whether to announce her decision not to decide on anything until further notice.

THE NOSE IN QUESTION: Could it put a new face on the trial?

Despite the respectful Mardi Gras atmosphere outside the courthouse, speculation is on the rise on the streets of Los Angeles,  reaching epic proportions, centered about a surprise witness who may be called in by either the prosecution, the defense, or Geraldo Rivera killing on-air time: Michael Jackson’s former nose.

“Who knows what the nose knows, but it could blow the case wide open,” says trial analyst for Shameless  Hype Investigative Television, Fosdick Pettyman.

Details are uncertain as to what testimony valuable to the case might be extracted from the nose since it seems to have parted ways from the pop icon sometime back in the 1990’s. Extra host Mario Lopez is also uncertain about any aspect of this or any other case but is simply happy to have a paying job.

“There’s a whirlwind of speculation that the nose may may be subpoenaed,” says Fox Channel legal analyst Flaxen Bronzethigh. “But given the tenuous circumstances of their past association, it’s simply unknown whether the nose would run or obey the court order.”

Pope to Attend Comic-Con?

Posted in humor, news, news parody, political humor, politics, religion with tags , , , , , , , , on September 29, 2011 by chandlerswainreviews

by Anna Maria Hepatati- Rome Bureau, Swain News Service

Pope Benedict XVI suffered a minor health mishap on his recent visit to Berlin, but is reportedly completely recovered and in Holy spirits.

Reportedly, the Pope was being paraded down the Strasse Goebeldammerung encased in his Popemobile, when a quick stop was made at a convenience mart for a bag of Cheetos, a favorite of the Pontiff. Unfortunately, during the rather muggy day, attendants failed to roll down the windows for his Holiness and by the time they emerged from the store the Pope was feeling faint and in in need of hydration. Fortunately, a prominent medical person was at the scene.

YIPPEE KI-YAY!:Pope Benedict XVI models a favorite Dale Evans outfit that he may wear at next year's San Diego Comic-Con.

“Well, I’m really a vet, but I suppose you could say we’re all God’s children,” shrugged Doctor Manfred Mabuse. “It was merely a slight case of heat exhaustion. His Holiness’ nose was rather warm but he was fine with a bit of rest and I left a small bowl of water for him to lap from.”

In an effort to prove the Pontiff is fully recovered, the Papal Voice of Rock, Vatican Radio made two announcements this morning, the first that the Pontiff will attend next year’s Comic-Con convention in San Diego. It has not been reported when during the four day event from June 12-15  that the Pope will attend or whether he’ll spring for the entire $150 four day pass.

“His Holiness is a great fan of the DC universe, especially the adventures of the Batman and his rather firmly muscular young assistant, The Boy Wonder,” explains Vatican spokesperson Donoti Stonewallo.

The Pope also sent out his annual message of greetings to the Chief Rabbi of Rome, Doctor Riccardo Di Segno, in celebration of the impending Jewish holidays. Vatican Radio, as translated by the Swain News Service, reports the message began with the following:

“On these feast days of Rosh Hashanah, Yom Kippur and Sukkat, it is my pleasure to express the most cordial and sincere greetings to you, Doctor Riccardo Di Segno, and to the entire Jewish community of Rome with this little joke I heard at the Bishop’s Lounge the other night. ‘It seems there were these three guys in a rowboat, a Pope, a Rabbi and a…’ “

FIRST LADY WORKS FOR A TASTELESS AMERICA

Posted in humor, news, news parody, political humor, politics with tags , , , , , , , on September 28, 2011 by chandlerswainreviews

by Melba Alice Minty, Swain News Service

First Lady Michelle Obama, a crusader against obesity in American children, has unveiled a new campaign she feels will restore good health and sensible diets to the millions of American kids nicknamed “Porky”, “Fatty” and “Stinky”. In a bold move to remove the temptation of yummy snack foods from prepubescent planetoids, Mrs. Obama has devised a plan to remove an essential ingredient from all foods served within the United States: flavor.

BIG GULP: Michelle and The Prez vow to cleanse the entire nation of fatty foods, one bite at a time.

“This is a pioneering shortcut in the world of eating correctly,”  states Vegan Guru Arthur “Pine Cone” Ricketts, author of the best-selling “Kids Who Smoke Lose Weight: Successful Dieting Through Nicotine”. “There is little point in going the slow, methodical route of purging trans fats, sugars, salts, proteins, carbohydrates and dietary fibers when we can go right to source of food addiction and remove any sense of pleasure. If a snack has no taste, it eliminates temptation.”

The ambitiousness of the plan, though well intended, leads many to wonder whether it could be successfully implemented in what is becoming a food obsessed culture.

“I worry about the unseen effects of such a plan,” warns Department of Obscure Nutritional Labels Director Felix Meddlesum. “It is quite possible that the taste-challenged will seek satisfaction from surreptitious means: postage stamp glue, orange Windex, mint toothpaste. If we’re not careful we could be encouraging an epidemic of  Lemon Pledge addicts!  People could be driven to buy nickel bags of cherry Tums on the street in desperation.”

White House spokesperson Sheila Hassel is unconcerned with the pessimistic predictions. “Every time the Obamas try to do something,” she said defensively, “the Republicans are in an uproar that it’s going to upset their very existence. I have yet to hear of anything this White House has done that has had the slightest effect on anyone’s life.”

Surprisingly, not everyone is pessimistic about the plan to go nationally tasteless.

“It won’t affect our business in the slightest ” states Burger King spokesman Patty Flippet. “We’ve been doing it for years.”

Perry “No Heart” Comment Angers Metallic Citizen

Posted in humor, news, news parody, political humor, politics with tags , , , , , , , , on September 25, 2011 by chandlerswainreviews

by Lampika Jitters, Swain News Service

During the Republican Presidential Debate last Thursday, Texas Governor and sometimes-front runner Rick Perry angered many when he suggested that if you don’t allocate educational tuitions to children of illegal immigrants “you have no heart.” This set off a firestorm reminiscent of John McCain’s dramatic announcements on immigration policy which angered the Conservative Right and crippled his Presidential  election chances back in 2008.  However, this time, the comments have struck a personal note with one individual in particular.

"Steaming mad" over Gov. Perry's statement which he feels unfairly makes him a target symbol of anti-immigration protests, the heart-challenged "Tin Woodman" may sue.

“What an insensitive clot. A completely unwarranted statement, and a mockery of the afflicted,” said The Tin Man from the town of Oz, South Dakota.

“It’s actually Tin Woodman,” he corrected. “No one ever gets it right.”

The antagonism stems from the fact that the “Tin Woodman” in question feels he is being singled out as an object figure in ridicule.

“I was living the good life, ” he complained, “what with the royalties from the books, movies and that musical on Broadway, but then this clown has to open his big yapper and my phone hasn’t stopped ringing all day.”

To refresh the memories of readers, you might recall that “Tin Woodman” has no heart, and now he feels he’s been put in an unwarranted position of portraying the symbol of Gov. Perry’s excoriated advocates of strict anti-immigration policies. Since that statement there have been numerous threats from anonymous individuals, angry letters from the ACLU, the United Lettuce Pickers Front, George Lopez and Americans For Better Landscaping and mock empty oil cans sent through the mail.

“I’m sick of that old wive’s tale,” said Tin Woodman, nervously puffing on a fifth cigarette. “I’m made of tin. Tin! Tin doesn’t rust, but that’s typical of the prejudice I get. Everyone believes the stereotype. That damn Baum and his tabloid propaganda. I knew we shouldn’t have let him tell the story.”

Mocking or in sympathy? Gov. Perry points to the area where he himself "has no" vital organ.

Clearly old wounds have been opened by recent events and a clearly disturbed Tin Woodman is contemplating taking legal action.  “The heartless must cease being objects of ridicule. It was a completely thoughtless thing to say and I just want to be left alone,” he insists.

When asked if he had any message for the Texas Governor, Tin Woodman had this to say: “Look, I am well acquainted with people whose head is filled with straw, but try to think before you speak.”

When asked about the manslaughter incident, known as “The West Witch Affair” and the current whereabouts of the fugitive Dorothy Gale, Tin Woodman had little to say. “Listen,” he said, “I just knew her for a short time, she was a troubled kid and don’t want to get into that. My lawyers have advised me not to speak on the matter. All I know is that when last I heard she was moving to Kansas and that’s all I’m going to say.”

Miss Almira Gulch could not be reached for comment.

Will ‘Dancing’ Get the Royal Treatment?

Posted in humor, news, news parody, political humor, politics with tags , , , , , , , on September 24, 2011 by chandlerswainreviews

by Hadley Snipes Prawley, Swain News Service

It was supposed to be an upgrade in the image of the program. But for fans of the 13th season of ABC TV’s “Dancing With the Stars”, the expected disappointing line-up of “who’s its?” and wannabe “who’s its?” was business as usual and the question remained: Since when have the contestants all been subjects of the Witness Protection Program? Where are the Stars? Hope Solo? Rob Kardashian??

Over the years there have been competitive appearances by many who drew a national blank when their names were announced, and the concern over the “star” quality of the program has been of considerable concern to the network. The controversy reached it’s peak when two seasons ago, Bevis Lumpkin, a sandwich delivery boy was mistaken for one of the competitors and made it through five rounds before being voted off, mainly due to judge Carrie Ann Inaba’s comment that “you have the finesse of a waddling duck in leg splints” and only gave him a 9 score.

However, in a bold move to reach out to the star gazing audience, the producers of the program are aiming for a novelty far beyond the scope of leg challenged, hearing challenged or gender challenged contestants.

Will a mirrored disco ball be the latest of the Crown Jewels? Only if Queen Elizabeth II can cut a sassy samba.

“We’re aiming at the clue challenged,” boasts production aide Livinia Tutu. “This is it, the big enchilada. We’re aiming for a sitting head of State.”

While an Obama or Putin would be an interesting choice, the ABC program has something more traditional in mind. “A royal figure. A sitting Monarch,” explains Tutu. “Queen Elizabeth.”

The thought of Her Royal Highness kicking her heels up in a tango duel with an oily moonlighting Chippendale dancer might be worth a look, but can the 85-year-old withstand the grueling pressures of rehearsals, performances and wild expulsions by judge Bruno Tonioli?

“Absolutely,” states “Dancing” physical fitness consultant, Embrio Foscatello. “She looks like she is a steady bag of bones, and- hey- that Cloris Leachman didn’t die on us. I just hope the Queen isn’t as handsy.”

Probing insiders at Buckingham Palace reveals further enlightenment. Says disgruntled ex- tureen polisher Emile DeSquat, “Every Monday night is Big Band Night at the Palace, with the Queen and Prince Philip in poodle skirt and zoot suit really going at it on the dance floor. The old bird’s pretty limber for her age if I do say so myself.”

But does the Queen have the stamina for an extended competition?

“Listen,” assures DeSquat,”if you ever saw the way she does a back flip and scissor kick during the Jitterbug, I’d be worried if I were the other contestants.”

WHERE IN HELL IS THE POPE?

Posted in humor, news, news parody, political humor, politics, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , on September 23, 2011 by chandlerswainreviews

by Anna Maria Hepatati, Rome Bureau- Swain News Service

In the biggest mystery since “Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner”, people all over the world are scratching their heads asking: “Oh, yeah, there’s a Pope. Where is he anyway?” It seems that unlike his predecessor John Paul II, Pope Benedict XVI has been keeping a low-profile, and lately he’s been downright invisible.

Pope Benedict XVI as seen at last year's Vatican Christmas Party where he played Secret Santa.

“I think the speculation is overblown”, says Giacomo Putzetti of the Romanesca Poppendasici di Scietta. “Everyone needs a little ‘Miller Time’ and he’s just in a period of rest and relaxation after an exhausting schedule of smiling and waving.”

“I suspect there is a great deal of well deserved internal soul-searching going on concerning the continuing priest molestation crisis,” suggests Sheila Smirka, representative of the advocacy group Lawyers For Settlement Percentages.

“There is no mystery, ” explains Father Arkady Kovolovoskovy, Director of the Vatican on-line store, Miracles in Your Mailbox. “It is simply His Holiness exploring the many new manifestations of the mortal world about him in order to gain a clearer understanding of his mission between the Church and God.”

However, the solution to the mystery may be more mundane than most observers suspect.

“The Pope got cable TV,” states Carlo Leggi, an installation technician for Comcast. “He went for the “Holy Cow!” Premium package and he’s now got over 2800 channels to surf. He’s going to be busy for a while.”

Indeed, Vatican insiders have revealed that there have been radical changes within the Papal Quarters within the past days. “We have witnessed dramatic transformations that may alter the very core of the Church, including episodes of chuckling, spontaneous raucous  commentary and even, one one occasion, a guffaw,” related a visibly shaken Monsignor Rissotoletti, “while His Holiness was watching an admittedly humorous episode of ‘Webster’. Though there was some heated bickering among several bishops over access to the remote control during a weekend ‘Married..With Children’ marathon.”

Is there a Papal favorite in this new flood of Popular Culture? Remarks the Monsignor, “His Holiness seems to find spiritual enlightenment from the American docu-drama “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia”, often remarking ‘so true to Life!’, though among the College of Cardinals, there seems to be a consensus that the Japanese program “Karaoke Groin Kick” reveals a more important moral message for our times.”