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172 Year Old Civil War Vet Discovered at Local IHOP

Posted in humor, news parody, Uncategorized with tags , , , on September 6, 2016 by chandlerswainreviews

by Alden Branch- News Desk, Swain News Service

A man who claims to be 172 years old, and a veteran of the American Civil War was found loitering over a spanish omelette in an International House of Pancakes located in downtown Gettysburg, Pennsylvania. Chelmsford Chaney who claims to have wandered off of the local battleground after, in his words, “waiting for the rest of my regiment to come and get me”, was questioned by local police when he attempted to pay for his meal  with Confederate bills.

UP IN ARMS: Weatherbeaten and Grizzled, but not looking a day over 160, Chelsford Chaney greets the press at an impromtu media conference.

“I was hiding down in what is known as Seminary Ridge, under a large rock formation, and was waiting for the word to retreat, but no one came,” said the extremely weathered and grizzled man who claims to be the last living soldier of the War Between the States. “I was told to wait for three hours for further instructions,” he said, “but my watched stopped, and I’ve never had a very good sense of time. And then I got hungry so I wandered over here for a bite to eat.”

News of Chaney’s discovery spread around the Civil War-based tourist town with the veteran already receiving several offers for interviews and an offer to be on the next season of “Dancing With the Stars”, but Chaney thinks he’d like to “take it easy for a few days and perhaps take in a show this weekend. I heard rumors that Jenny Lind might be performing at the local theater.” When questioned as to the reason for his extended stay in the pancake restaurant, Chaney simply stated, “I was waiting for my check.”

 


Brits Ban Fag Machines

Posted in humor, news, news parody, political humor, politics, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , on October 1, 2011 by chandlerswainreviews

by Fargo Smick- London Office, Swain News Service

The Department of Health has placed a ban on cigarette machines throughout England in an attempt to protect children from easy access to tobacco products and to boost employment in the softening fake I.D. industry.

An estimated 35 million cigarettes are illegally purchased by minors every year and the numbers are on the rise. Labour Party spokesman Kenneth Pinchmouth says it was past due for affirmative action. “The little urchins are purchasing smokes faster than they can be put in the machines,” he explains. “It is illegal, and the cost of  arresting, prosecuting and sending all of the tykes to prison has become ruinous for the economy. The jails are overfilled as it is.”

Dr. Heccuba Redcoat, Director of the Medical College of Filched Cadavers has a different perspective. “It’s a health issue. Children shouldn’t be smoking on top of their recommended four pints of bitters a day. It’s just not a healthy mix, especially while operating heavy machinery.”

Undercover Detective Cedrick Fong mixes with the gang members of Miss Chatterton's Bo Peep Pre-School to find hidden sources of illicit child tobacco.

It is estimated that 11% of all illegal cigarette purchases are attributed to vending machines. But what about the other 89%? What is the source of the vast majority of tobacco transactions? Inspector Jamison Kreely Lipmutton of Scotland Yard feels they have a lead on the problem.

“Approximately 3% we know are purchased on schoolyard playgrounds, during recess, between classes, and we have undercover operatives at this very moment infiltrating these areas,” he explains. “A good percentage come from kid pranksterism. You know, truck hijackings and overseas smuggling. The rest are supplied by those whom we have heard referred to on the streets as “parents”. Talk on the streets is that we are hearing them blamed for everything lately and we have to find out what this emerging underworld element is. That’s where we’re focusing our energies. To crack this criminal organization.”

Recent events have proven that Inspector Lipmutton is a man of his word, as several organized Parent-Teacher meetings have been raided and dozens of the alleged “mums” and “dads” have been detained for extended questioning. Parliament has made public pronouncements on the subject as well. “We don’t know who these people think they are trying to disrupt our way of life, but I vow to put a stop to it,” declared Conservative Party Minister Sir Burnstead Trillbog Pipps last Thursday at Kippy’s Fish ‘N’ Chips Stand in Leicester.

According to Sir Pipps, outlawing tobacco machines isn’t going far enough to ensure the safety of minors. “I am moving for legislation to ban parents as well. It appears to me as if  these people have had too many opportunities already to damage the minds of our youth.”

Labour Party Minister Landrau Cribbins-Mite looks at the situation with a more economic perspective. Explains the Minister, “We’re hurting for jobs right now, and this machine ban will certainly boost the job market in the fake I.D. industry, which has been floundering, but this stimulus toward moving illegal transactions back to newsstands and so-called “convenience marts” is proof that with a little advance planning, government can address the problems of the people and actually create job markets where feasible. Perhaps you Yanks should take up the example.”

The Smattering Boar Pub owner Seamus Nobtater is unconvinced. “English Pubs have always held firm in the strict adherence to the 1942 “Ignore the Law ” Act . I believe you Americans have a similar national policy called What Happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. If a wee tot wants to drag on a fag while downing a pint, it ain’t my business,” he says.

Outraged ACLU advocate Hy Azzakyte vows to investigate the situation across the Atlantic. “I’ll be damned if I’ll sit silently and allow any British child to drag around anyone based on their sexual preference,” he exclaimed. “Who do those people think they are making up their own rules in their own country? It’s entirely Un-American!”

WHERE IN HELL IS THE POPE?

Posted in humor, news, news parody, political humor, politics, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , on September 23, 2011 by chandlerswainreviews

by Anna Maria Hepatati, Rome Bureau- Swain News Service

In the biggest mystery since “Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner”, people all over the world are scratching their heads asking: “Oh, yeah, there’s a Pope. Where is he anyway?” It seems that unlike his predecessor John Paul II, Pope Benedict XVI has been keeping a low-profile, and lately he’s been downright invisible.

Pope Benedict XVI as seen at last year's Vatican Christmas Party where he played Secret Santa.

“I think the speculation is overblown”, says Giacomo Putzetti of the Romanesca Poppendasici di Scietta. “Everyone needs a little ‘Miller Time’ and he’s just in a period of rest and relaxation after an exhausting schedule of smiling and waving.”

“I suspect there is a great deal of well deserved internal soul-searching going on concerning the continuing priest molestation crisis,” suggests Sheila Smirka, representative of the advocacy group Lawyers For Settlement Percentages.

“There is no mystery, ” explains Father Arkady Kovolovoskovy, Director of the Vatican on-line store, Miracles in Your Mailbox. “It is simply His Holiness exploring the many new manifestations of the mortal world about him in order to gain a clearer understanding of his mission between the Church and God.”

However, the solution to the mystery may be more mundane than most observers suspect.

“The Pope got cable TV,” states Carlo Leggi, an installation technician for Comcast. “He went for the “Holy Cow!” Premium package and he’s now got over 2800 channels to surf. He’s going to be busy for a while.”

Indeed, Vatican insiders have revealed that there have been radical changes within the Papal Quarters within the past days. “We have witnessed dramatic transformations that may alter the very core of the Church, including episodes of chuckling, spontaneous raucous  commentary and even, one one occasion, a guffaw,” related a visibly shaken Monsignor Rissotoletti, “while His Holiness was watching an admittedly humorous episode of ‘Webster’. Though there was some heated bickering among several bishops over access to the remote control during a weekend ‘Married..With Children’ marathon.”

Is there a Papal favorite in this new flood of Popular Culture? Remarks the Monsignor, “His Holiness seems to find spiritual enlightenment from the American docu-drama “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia”, often remarking ‘so true to Life!’, though among the College of Cardinals, there seems to be a consensus that the Japanese program “Karaoke Groin Kick” reveals a more important moral message for our times.”