by Masterson Johnson, Swain News Service
Heedless of the ongoing controversy surrounding the bankruptcy of fledgling Green Technology Manufacturer Solyndra, sources at the White House have revealed that both President Obama and Vice-President Joe Biden will spearhead a national effort to promote the burgeoning technologies of Tomorrow that all analysts insist will be the bellwether of international economy in the near future.
The push will encompass massive expansion of infrastructure and complete overhaul of the transcontinental transportation system.
“It’s time to roll up our sleeves and get to work solving problems instead of problem solving,” said the President at a confused conference of Bulgarian diplomats who neither understand English nor give a hoot about America’s infrastructure.
Obama Going To The Dogs: In a spirited moment, The Prez manipulates his image of Secretary of State Hillary Clinton.
“In retrospect, it wasn’t the most thought out conference we’ve ever held,” said White House spokesperson Myah Opiah, “but the good news is, the delegation was very amused by the President’s display of shadow puppet wizardry. Some languages reach across all borders.”
Indeed the formal display of dozens of different barnyard animals through finger manipulation seemed hypnotic to the delegation who seemed not to be able to believe what they were witnessing, and there were apparently several requests for the President to repeat his mule manipulations as several mutterings of “jackass” could be heard from the crowd.
The substance of the President’s message was very clear: “America needs to move into the future,” he said forming a llama with a clenched fist and a pinkie finger. “It’s not as if we can go back in time, but if we could it would be real cool ’cause that cave chick who looked like Raquel Welch was really foxy.” With this in mind, President Obama and V.P. Joe Biden have spearheaded a plan to put America, if not back on it’s feet, at least back riding the rails.
“Trains are integral to our future advancement into the future,” said the President, posing significantly with an impressively majestic cloud formation behind his head. “They were the lifeline of our country for over a century and they have been shabbily treated. If they were good enough for our great-grandfathers, they’re good enough for us.”
“It’s called the H.O.B.O. Initiative,” said Department of Transportation Deputy Commissioner of Evading Rail Conductors, Eliza Piffle. “In this economy, we’re particularly excited about the notion of the youth of our nation experiencing the grandeur of our Nation again, especially from the top of a boxcar.”
ALL ABOARD!: Unidentified member of White House staff poses with prototype of Obama sponsored rail technology that the Prez has given Amtrak a blank check to develop.
According to undisclosed White House source Special Agent Thaddeus LipSlip, now formerly of the Presidential security detail, the inspiration for the rail plan came one morning last August during a Cabinet briefing which was occasionally interrupted by Vice President Joe Biden “making ‘Woo Woo’ sounds and circling the table acting like a locomotive, shaking a box of Good ‘n Plenty in front of him. After doing this several times, the President seized upon the idea of reconstructed trains which he put immediately to paper… well as immediately as he could after unclenching the Vice President from the choke hold he had him in.”
Skeptics of the plan state that enthusiasm for railroad travel has diminished since the advent of more rapid forms of travel such as cars, airplanes and jogging, but the President remains resolute in his support of the plan.
Says White House spokesperson Myah Opiah,”The President remains resolute in his support of the plan. Suppose the American people gave up on hula hoops, the typewriter or the wireless radio, where would we be now?”
Environmental critics have pointed to the fact that locomotives run on coal, hardly a clean source of energy and that the resulting addition of toxic pollutants to the atmosphere could have dire consequences to the planetary climate, including continued enlargement of the hole in the Earth’s Ozone layer.
“This is a lot of fuss over nothing,” says EPA Deputy Chief Director of Sneers and Dismissals, Pontius Hammersmith. “We’re talking about Antarctica for crying out loud. This is not the concern of America but the concern of Antarcticans. I suggest if you want to talk about Ozone holes over Antarctica, you tell all of those penguins and prehistoric monsters down there to stop using so much aerosol hair spray.”
Casey Jones could not be reached for comment.