Archive for September, 2016

172 Year Old Civil War Vet Discovered at Local IHOP

Posted in humor, news parody, Uncategorized with tags , , , on September 6, 2016 by chandlerswainreviews

by Alden Branch- News Desk, Swain News Service

A man who claims to be 172 years old, and a veteran of the American Civil War was found loitering over a spanish omelette in an International House of Pancakes located in downtown Gettysburg, Pennsylvania. Chelmsford Chaney who claims to have wandered off of the local battleground after, in his words, “waiting for the rest of my regiment to come and get me”, was questioned by local police when he attempted to pay for his meal  with Confederate bills.

UP IN ARMS: Weatherbeaten and Grizzled, but not looking a day over 160, Chelsford Chaney greets the press at an impromtu media conference.

“I was hiding down in what is known as Seminary Ridge, under a large rock formation, and was waiting for the word to retreat, but no one came,” said the extremely weathered and grizzled man who claims to be the last living soldier of the War Between the States. “I was told to wait for three hours for further instructions,” he said, “but my watched stopped, and I’ve never had a very good sense of time. And then I got hungry so I wandered over here for a bite to eat.”

News of Chaney’s discovery spread around the Civil War-based tourist town with the veteran already receiving several offers for interviews and an offer to be on the next season of “Dancing With the Stars”, but Chaney thinks he’d like to “take it easy for a few days and perhaps take in a show this weekend. I heard rumors that Jenny Lind might be performing at the local theater.” When questioned as to the reason for his extended stay in the pancake restaurant, Chaney simply stated, “I was waiting for my check.”