HELP WANTED: Person to Repel Imperialist Dogs
by Alden Branch, Swain News Service
In the midst of the economic crisis facing this country and the stalemate in Congress over President Obama’s fractured Jobs Bill, it would seem unusual to admit that domestic policies are having long-term effects on foreign joblessness, but that’s exactly what’s happening to Middle Eastern terrorist organizations of late. It seems that the recent deaths of several top operatives including Osama Bin-Laden, have left career positions open that few are eager to fill.
“It’s a growing problem,” admits Lattimer Spinebend, Director of Monstrous.com, a world-wide employment agency. “Today’s youth are looking for expansive career opportunities with growth potential, and a fatality rate just gets in the way of a good vacation schedule. And while the promise of 72 Vestal Virgins is an employment inducement, it doesn’t hold a candle to a good dental plan.”
Right now, the personnel ranks for such companies as Saudi Arabian-based Al-Queda Ltd. LLC (listed on NASDAQ as GRRR) are overburdened with internships and middle management but the executive class has thinned to all-time low levels. Says Undisclosed Shadowy Source, “If something isn’t done soon to implement a strategic restructuring of the corporation, I don’t see us surviving past more than another thirty or forty fierce Anti-American taunts and tongue lashings.”
The lack of a cohesive leadership has had many effects beyond the organizational; funding has recently been in short supply. “We have tried many fundraisers to generate revenue,” says Fiesel Fiesel Ted-Geisel of ShootBulletsInTheAir.com, “but, you know, it’s a bad economy and all. We really took a bath on those ‘I Love Gaddafi’ bumper stickers.”
Fortunately, as with many desert tales, the cavalry has come to save the day, or in this case, the U.S. dollar. It seems that foreign terrorist organizations have applied to the U.S. government for DOE green technology loans and in several cases these applications have been approved.
Says Ramid El-Fasid Kabong of the Syrian underground dating group Meet Your Martyr, “This will be a great help in our fighting the Great Satan and paying our back cable bill.”
“We have received inquiries from Congressional leaders about this,” admits Department of Energy spokesperson Abel Diffeuse, “and as far as I have been able to detect, all of the paperwork is in order. For instance, this application from the Detach The Head of American Infidel Hidden Cell Collective proposes plans for new explosive sources of energy that are not dependent on foreign oil sources. This is just the kind of thing we are looking for, energy efficiency that’s identified as American!”
Recently the DOE has been under scrutiny for several questionable loans given out, including one for the development of the Fisker automobile, which was intended to create jobs in America and cars for privileged Americans, and though the $529 million loan has, in fact, produced a car for Leonardo DiCaprio, some dissatisfied Republicans are grousing that the company has moved it’s design and production facilities to the European Detroit: Finland.
“We won’t have that problem with this group,” promises Diffeuse, “as they claim they are ready to move their Hidden Cells onto our shores as we speak.”