Archive for politics

News in Briefs: Ron Paul Announces: I Would Not Vote For Me

Posted in humor, news, news parody, political humor, satire with tags , , , , on November 8, 2011 by chandlerswainreviews

by Krebus Toppel, D.C. Desk-Swain News Service

NO PEST GRIP: Ron Paul demonstrates the Vulcan death pinch he uses to keep "pesky Republicans" at a distance.

Republican presidential hopeful Ron Paul announced yesterday that he will not support any candidate chosen to be the GOP nominee for the White House in 2012. Citing loyalty with the differing political philosophies of his contributors and supporters versus the rest of the Republican field, Paul went so far to suggest that he won’t support anyone for the Presidency.

“Congressman Paul has made it very clear that at this particular time, there is no qualified candidate to run the country,” said Paul spokesperson Clu Lesser. “As a matter of fact,” he continued, “I have it on good authority that the Congressman advises against voting for him as well.”

“I’ve heard rumors to that effect,” says Paul campaign coordinator Exeter Gravyboat. “Dr. Paul is a firm believer in smaller government and you can’t get much smaller than not electing someone.”

“It’s a fascinating concept,” said Dr.Crainius Kingspittle, Dean of the School of Proportionately Superior Thinking and Chest Thumping at Harvard University. “Choosing ‘no choice’ for the White House is certainly a choice. Not the choice I would choose but a choice to choose nonetheless. But in choosing that choice, is the choice a smart choice? After all, who would officiate at the annual Thanksgiving turkey pardon or sleep with the First Lady?”

Whatever the final outcome, it’s certain to be an interesting election season with campaign signs already littering front yards in New Hampshire, featuring a glowering photo of Congressman Paul with the caption: “Don’t Vote For Ron Paul- Ron Paul Wouldn’t!”

News in Briefs: Biden to Greece: Let Them Eat Feta

Posted in humor, news, news parody, political humor, political satire with tags , , , , on November 7, 2011 by chandlerswainreviews

by Krebus Toppel, D.C. Desk-Swain News Service

OUR MAN JOE: Appearing at the University of Pittsburgh on Friday, Veep Joe Biden educates the students by bringing his world globe to point out "countries and the big wet places where fish swim."

In a typically open display of political candor, Vice President Joe Biden, while speaking to a group at the University of Pittsburgh on Friday, referred to the Greek people as “peppy folk like that Zorba fella” and suggested that if Greece is facing grave financial times then “perhaps they ought to go ask help from that Travolta actor. After all, he was in the movie version and probably made a few bucks. Him and that Aussie singer Olivia Elton-John.”

The Vice-President said that he was sorry he didn’t get to attend the week’s meeting of Economic World Leaders in Cannes, France especially since he too “likes the glamorous moving pictures. Especially the ones with Spanky and that crazy Alfalfa. He’s a hoot.”

When asked if he had any updates on the week’s G-20, the Vice-President excitedly announced: “Bingo!”

HELP WANTED: Person to Repel Imperialist Dogs

Posted in humor, news, news parody, political humor, satire with tags , , , , on October 29, 2011 by chandlerswainreviews

by Alden Branch, Swain News Service

In the midst of the economic crisis facing this country and the stalemate in Congress over President Obama’s fractured Jobs Bill, it would seem unusual to admit that domestic policies are having long-term effects on foreign joblessness, but that’s exactly what’s happening to Middle Eastern terrorist organizations of late. It seems that the recent deaths of several top operatives including Osama Bin-Laden, have left career positions open that few are eager to fill.

“It’s a growing problem,” admits Lattimer Spinebend, Director of Monstrous.com, a world-wide employment agency. “Today’s youth are looking for expansive career opportunities with growth potential, and a fatality rate just gets in the way of a good vacation schedule. And while the promise of 72 Vestal Virgins is an employment inducement, it doesn’t hold a candle to a good dental plan.”

NO LONGER A 10?: Ever since the untimely drone dispersal of sneery mastermind Derekderek Bo-Derek, the Middle East market has turned soft when looking for qualified terror leaders with a photogenic grimace.

Right now, the personnel ranks for such companies as Saudi Arabian-based Al-Queda Ltd. LLC (listed on NASDAQ as GRRR) are overburdened with internships and middle management but the executive class has thinned to all-time low levels. Says Undisclosed Shadowy Source, “If something isn’t done soon to implement a strategic restructuring of the corporation, I don’t see us surviving past  more than another thirty or forty fierce Anti-American taunts and  tongue lashings.”

The lack of a cohesive leadership has had many effects beyond the organizational; funding has recently been in short supply. “We have tried many fundraisers to generate revenue,” says Fiesel Fiesel Ted-Geisel of ShootBulletsInTheAir.com, “but, you know, it’s a bad economy and all. We really took a bath on those ‘I Love Gaddafi’ bumper stickers.”

Fortunately, as with many desert tales, the cavalry has come to save the day, or in this case, the U.S. dollar. It seems that foreign terrorist organizations have applied to the U.S. government for DOE green technology loans and in several cases these applications have been approved.

Says Ramid El-Fasid Kabong of the Syrian underground dating group Meet Your Martyr, “This will be a great help in our fighting the Great Satan and paying our back cable bill.”

“We have received  inquiries from Congressional leaders about this,” admits Department of Energy spokesperson Abel Diffeuse, “and as far as I have been able to detect, all of the paperwork is in order. For instance, this application from the Detach The Head of American Infidel Hidden Cell Collective proposes plans for new explosive sources of energy that are not dependent on foreign oil sources. This is just the kind of thing we are looking for, energy efficiency that’s identified as American!”

Recently the DOE has been under scrutiny for several questionable loans given out, including one for the development of the Fisker automobile, which was intended to create jobs in America and cars for privileged Americans, and though the $529 million loan has, in fact, produced a car for Leonardo DiCaprio,  some dissatisfied Republicans are grousing that the company has moved it’s design and production facilities to the European Detroit: Finland.

“We won’t have that problem with this group,” promises Diffeuse, “as they claim they are ready to move their Hidden Cells onto our shores as we speak.”

Obama-Biden Find Their Backs To The Future

Posted in humor, news, news parody, political satire, satire with tags , , , , on October 25, 2011 by chandlerswainreviews

by Masterson Johnson, Swain News Service

    Heedless of the ongoing controversy surrounding the bankruptcy of fledgling Green Technology Manufacturer Solyndra, sources at the White House have revealed that both President Obama and Vice-President Joe Biden will spearhead a national effort to promote the burgeoning technologies of Tomorrow that all analysts insist will be the bellwether of international economy in the near future.

    The push will encompass massive expansion of infrastructure and complete overhaul of the transcontinental transportation system.

    “It’s time to roll up our sleeves and get to work solving problems instead of problem solving,” said the President at a confused conference of Bulgarian diplomats who neither understand English nor give a hoot about America’s infrastructure.

Obama Going To The Dogs: In a spirited moment, The Prez manipulates his image of Secretary of State Hillary Clinton.

    “In retrospect, it wasn’t the most thought out conference we’ve ever held,” said White House spokesperson Myah Opiah, “but the good news is, the delegation was very amused by the President’s display of shadow puppet wizardry. Some languages reach across all borders.”

    Indeed the formal display of dozens of different barnyard animals through finger manipulation seemed hypnotic to the delegation who seemed not to be able to believe what they were witnessing, and there were apparently several requests for the President to repeat his mule manipulations as several mutterings of “jackass” could be heard from the crowd.

The substance of the President’s message was very clear: “America needs to move into the future,” he said forming a llama with a clenched fist and a pinkie finger. “It’s not as if we can go back in time, but if we could it would be real cool ’cause that cave chick who looked like Raquel Welch was really foxy.” With this in mind, President Obama and V.P. Joe Biden have spearheaded a plan to put America, if not back on it’s feet, at least back riding the rails.

    “Trains are integral to our future advancement into the future,” said the President, posing significantly with an impressively majestic cloud formation behind his head. “They were the lifeline of our country for over a century and they have been shabbily treated. If they were good enough for our great-grandfathers, they’re good enough for us.”

    “It’s called the H.O.B.O. Initiative,” said Department of Transportation Deputy Commissioner of Evading Rail Conductors, Eliza Piffle. “In this economy, we’re particularly excited about the notion of  the youth of our nation experiencing the grandeur of our Nation again, especially from the top of a boxcar.”

ALL ABOARD!: Unidentified member of White House staff poses with prototype of Obama sponsored rail technology that the Prez has given Amtrak a blank check to develop.

According to undisclosed White House source Special Agent Thaddeus LipSlip, now formerly of the Presidential security detail, the inspiration for the rail plan came one morning last August during a Cabinet briefing which was occasionally interrupted by Vice President Joe Biden “making ‘Woo Woo’ sounds and circling the table acting like a locomotive, shaking a box of Good ‘n Plenty in front of him. After doing this several times, the President seized upon the idea of reconstructed trains which he put immediately to paper… well as immediately as he could after unclenching the Vice President from the choke hold he had him in.”

Skeptics of the plan state that enthusiasm for railroad travel has diminished since the advent of more rapid forms of travel such as cars, airplanes and jogging, but the President remains resolute in his support of the plan.

Says White House spokesperson Myah Opiah,”The President remains resolute in his support of the plan. Suppose the American people gave up on hula hoops, the typewriter or the wireless radio, where would we be now?”

Environmental critics have pointed to the fact that locomotives run on coal, hardly a clean source of energy and that the resulting addition of toxic pollutants to the atmosphere could have dire consequences to the planetary climate, including continued enlargement of the hole in the Earth’s Ozone layer.

“This is a lot of fuss over nothing,” says EPA Deputy Chief Director of Sneers and Dismissals, Pontius Hammersmith. “We’re talking about Antarctica for crying out loud. This is not the concern of America but the concern of Antarcticans. I suggest if you want to talk about Ozone holes over Antarctica, you tell all of those penguins and prehistoric monsters down there to stop using so much aerosol hair spray.”

Casey Jones could not be reached for comment.

Biden Accusing Teachers of Rape, Murder?

Posted in education, humor, news parody, political humor with tags , , , , on October 22, 2011 by chandlerswainreviews

by Phoebus Mink, Swain News Service

This week, Vice President Joe Biden boldly announced that if President Obama’s pared-down $35 billion Jobs Stimulus package, geared specifically toward teachers and first responders, were not passed, it would mean a widespread increase in violent crimes including rapes, murders and the Kennedys being unleashed on the highways after Happy Hour.

DON'T ASK, DON'T TALK: Veep Joe Biden demonstrates the Obama Administration's new "Bend Over and Assume the Position" position in paying off the nation's teachers to refrain from further violent antisocial activity.

Clearly, with this announcement, the Administration reveals it’s view of America’s education class as a dim one, with the suggestion that if the nation’s teachers are not kept off the streets, they will retaliate with a widespread epidemic of  violence, smoking outside of the Teacher’s Lounge and in the case of a third grade class in Wetpants, Nebraska, falsifying students’ “permanent records which will follow them around for the rest of their lives.”

Discarding their usual message of “Hope”, the Obama Administration seems to be gearing toward a bolder message of “Cringe” that they feel will engage an increasingly disconsolate voting public. While making his dire crime predictions, the Vice President also shocked the attending press by announcing the probable lengthening of cold and flu season, the continuation of the NBA strike and the continued production of “The Apprentice” unless Congress passes the controversial bill.

ECONOMY IN THE SIDE POCKET: The Obama Administration puts new spin on the phrase "dropping the ball", but in their attempts to stimulate job growth with further government stimulus, will all "signs point to yes"?

Rumors around the Nation’s Capitol have been rampant as to what, outside of the threat of joining the Nation’s unemployed, could be fueling this shift in White House optimism; with speculation there is a new source of economic advisement consulted by the administration, but Biden’s responses to the press after his announcement contained no clues as his comments were limited to “My reply is no”, “Reply Hazy, Try Again” and “Concentrate and ask again”.

Some G.O.P Presidential hopefuls are seizing upon this philosophical shift to attack the President on the grounds of “you’ve got the job and I want it.”

From Texas Governor Rick Perry’s campaign headquarters came this message: “The Governor wants it known that he is totally opposed to the views of those who are opposite his viewpoint in what would otherwise be an agreement of views.”

“I think the statement speaks for itself,” said Perry Campaign Coordinator Olive Singleton-Pitt. “The Governor will release an appropriate response as soon as either Cain or Romney say something that makes them look foolish.””

Former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney’s reaction to the latest White House reversal was more specific and full of anger. “Listen,” he said, “I only have one wife and have never considered being a Mormon crazy!”

In the meantime, this week, Vice President Joe Biden is scheduled to speak in Baltimore, in front of a national conglomeration of law enforcement officers, warning of the dangers of stray hall monitors and guidance counselors.

“The sky may not be falling just yet,” advises White House spokesperson Myah Opiah, “but before it does, you can bet the Vice President will be out there sounding the alarm.”

Are Damages to Monument Kosher?

Posted in humor, news, news parody, Obamarama, political humor, political satire, politics, religion, satire with tags , , , , , , , , on October 10, 2011 by chandlerswainreviews

by Hadley Snipes Prawley, Swain News Service

Palestinian leaders at the U.N. cried “foul” this morning during a session of the General Assembly, accusing the United States of conceding to “outrageous Zionist demands”. Condemnations were specifically targeted at the Obama administration in what were labeled “acts of bad faith unbecoming of a Western infidel” in the Administration’s stated Middle East policy of “knock it off and get over yourselves.”

Peeking over the untamed brush is America's "staggering symbol of potency", a source of recent heated diplomatic controversy.

According to the Palestinian statement, the delegation accuses the administration of a blatant gesture of “unfair and unbalanced solidarity” with Israel, using one of “America’s most staggering symbols of potency” as a figurehead of this “alliance of heathens”, in a clear indication that all of the better global insults have been used up since President George W. Bush’s “Axis of Evil” remark in his 2002 State of the Union Address.

The reference is to the Washington Monument in Washington D.C., and the incidental damage caused to it by a 5.8 earthquake on August 23rd of this year. The monument has been closed since the event due to structural instabilities and the fact that since being referred to by a captured Bin Laden memorandum as “the Great Satan’s phallus”, tourist groups have been unable to approach the monument without giggling.

The accusations of undue political influence stem from what the Palestinian statement refers to as “the alleged damage to this great wavering priapism” , the full text of which will be reprinted in an upcoming issue of Penthouse Forum. Witnesses at the scene note that there has been a great deal of “maintenance” activity about the monument and it is the specific nature of this activity that fuels Palestinian suspicions. Observers say that the reported “need for repairs” may indeed be a cover for a more clandestine activity, or at least as clandestine as you can manage being in full view of every tourist camera within a four mile radius.

HOLY MOSES!: Is the Washington Monument simply undergoing repairs or become one of The Chosen People?

But what exactly is the nature of the activity that concerns these representatives of the Middle East? “It’s very clear to us,” say Abal Abdul Goiter, a spokesperson for the political group Jihad For Jesus, “that the American monument of decadence is going kosher. If you look at the photographs, you can see the forestone being removed!”

“Nonsense,” claims Crendall “Yogi” Twickens, assistant associate to the associate assistant of deputy director of subordinate associate assistants for the Department of Parks, National Monuments and Pic-a-nic Baskets. “I hope you’re not seriously suggesting that a bris is being performed on the Washington Monument? Do you realize the paperwork that would involve? And an operation of this magnitude would require a large team of Mohels. Where would we get them?”

For the uninitiated, a bris is an ancient Hebrew ritual circumcision first popularized on a 1993 episode of the “Seinfeld” TV series. And rumors have been circulating around Washington for the past several minutes that the Pentagon has expanded the training of Navy SEALS to include surgical strike precision tactics using Mohel techniques, leading some in D.C. to speculate an operation of this type could be implemented by U.S. military forces in a time of national emergency.

“Size matters,” says Army envoy Capt. Donovan Doantell. ” The American people should be aware that we are better prepared, with a bigger striking force, with a lot more staying power, that will stay on top of the job until we finish it to our satisfaction,” he emphasized. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I need a smoke.”

Sources from the Congressional Oversight group Congressional Oversight Group indicate that there is little interest on The Hill in taking suggestions of overt influence peddling from Israel seriously, although Barney Frank’s office indicates that the Massachusetts Congressman is willing to make a personal “after hours” investigation of alleged circumsized gigantism.

Conservative Republicans, however, are expressing concern that the very concept of an “altered” monument could have serious consequences. “It’s a matter of moral values,” says Hannibal Straitnarrow, author of the Conservative tome “Righteousness for Dummies”, “at this point, I see no alternative but to cover the monument with a brown paper bag.”

In The News: U.S. Prez Rating Dips

Posted in humor, news, news parody, Obamarama, political humor, political satire, politics with tags , , , , , , , , , , on October 9, 2011 by chandlerswainreviews

by Krebus Toppel, D.C. Office- Swain News Service

The motto around the Nation’s Capitol these days may very well be “When It Rains It Pours”. In an announcement eerily reminiscent of the historic S & P downgrading of the American credit rating from AAA to AA, the Glum Institute in Stockholm has downgraded the Presidency of the United States from a perfect 5 to a lesser 4 rating, lowering the International Leadership Index Standard of Barack Obama from “Presidential” to “White House Resident”.

THE INCREDIBLE SHRINKING PRESIDENT: If the President continues to diminish in world stature, will he soon be traveling to Europe in Handbag One?

“This came as a complete surprise to the President as soon as we inform him,” said White House spokesperson Myah Opiah in an impromptu press meeting at Ben’s Chili Bowl, a favorite hangout of the President when introducing foreign leaders to the health foods of America. “I can assure you that the President is hard at work, focused on the immediate concerns of this nation,” she said exiting swiftly with four bags of half-smokes, fries and a tureen of chili.

“I want to assure the nation that this unprecedented announcement will not deter me from the task at hand,”  announced the President several hours later on a memo partially obscured by a chili stain. “I have every intention in this historic time unprecedented in history to blame the Congress who must be forced to do the will of the People. The People who elected them. And the People who will kick them out of office. Not me. Them. I cannot stress the historic importance of this enough. Have I mentioned that this is unprecedented?”

“I really couldn’t have said it better myself,” said Vice-President Joe Biden, looking interestedly at the memo. “And by the way,” he inquired, “where’d you get the chili?”

After hearing the news of his rating reduction , President Obama maintains a cool composure and continues the diligent task of watching out for enemy paratroopers dropping from the sky and infiltrating D.C. recreational areas.

“It’s not apparent, for the moment, what effect this may have on our relationship with foreign governments, especially those in other countries,” read a statement from Massachusetts Congressman Barney Frank’s office. “But you can bet we’ll be able to negotiate our way around the situation, especially if they don’t hear about it.”

“I’m not certain this is any big deal at all,” countered Capitol Hill analyst Ivan Gottplenty. “It’s only a one point dip. Two points would be more serious. That’s ‘Commanding Tenant-at-Will’. A three point dip would be near catastophic. That’s designated as ‘Vagrant-In-Chief’.”

That would place President Obama at a 2 Rating on the scale. But what about the lowest. What about a 1 rating?

Gottplenty shivered even at the prospect and spoke softly as if he didn’t want to be heard. “It’s bad,” he said, “really bad. It’s the kind of thing anyone in Washington would sell their soul to avoid. It’s horrible. It’s monstrous. It’s a terror unlike any other!” He swallowed painfully and then continued. “The 1 rating mean… it means…it means…” He could barely speak but through tears and terrified clenched teeth, but before falling into a dead faint, uttered the words: ‘private U.S. citizen’!”