Archive for the political satire Category

News in Briefs: Biden to Greece: Let Them Eat Feta

Posted in humor, news, news parody, political humor, political satire with tags , , , , on November 7, 2011 by chandlerswainreviews

by Krebus Toppel, D.C. Desk-Swain News Service

OUR MAN JOE: Appearing at the University of Pittsburgh on Friday, Veep Joe Biden educates the students by bringing his world globe to point out "countries and the big wet places where fish swim."

In a typically open display of political candor, Vice President Joe Biden, while speaking to a group at the University of Pittsburgh on Friday, referred to the Greek people as “peppy folk like that Zorba fella” and suggested that if Greece is facing grave financial times then “perhaps they ought to go ask help from that Travolta actor. After all, he was in the movie version and probably made a few bucks. Him and that Aussie singer Olivia Elton-John.”

The Vice-President said that he was sorry he didn’t get to attend the week’s meeting of Economic World Leaders in Cannes, France especially since he too “likes the glamorous moving pictures. Especially the ones with Spanky and that crazy Alfalfa. He’s a hoot.”

When asked if he had any updates on the week’s G-20, the Vice-President excitedly announced: “Bingo!”

Obama-Biden Find Their Backs To The Future

Posted in humor, news, news parody, political satire, satire with tags , , , , on October 25, 2011 by chandlerswainreviews

by Masterson Johnson, Swain News Service

    Heedless of the ongoing controversy surrounding the bankruptcy of fledgling Green Technology Manufacturer Solyndra, sources at the White House have revealed that both President Obama and Vice-President Joe Biden will spearhead a national effort to promote the burgeoning technologies of Tomorrow that all analysts insist will be the bellwether of international economy in the near future.

    The push will encompass massive expansion of infrastructure and complete overhaul of the transcontinental transportation system.

    “It’s time to roll up our sleeves and get to work solving problems instead of problem solving,” said the President at a confused conference of Bulgarian diplomats who neither understand English nor give a hoot about America’s infrastructure.

Obama Going To The Dogs: In a spirited moment, The Prez manipulates his image of Secretary of State Hillary Clinton.

    “In retrospect, it wasn’t the most thought out conference we’ve ever held,” said White House spokesperson Myah Opiah, “but the good news is, the delegation was very amused by the President’s display of shadow puppet wizardry. Some languages reach across all borders.”

    Indeed the formal display of dozens of different barnyard animals through finger manipulation seemed hypnotic to the delegation who seemed not to be able to believe what they were witnessing, and there were apparently several requests for the President to repeat his mule manipulations as several mutterings of “jackass” could be heard from the crowd.

The substance of the President’s message was very clear: “America needs to move into the future,” he said forming a llama with a clenched fist and a pinkie finger. “It’s not as if we can go back in time, but if we could it would be real cool ’cause that cave chick who looked like Raquel Welch was really foxy.” With this in mind, President Obama and V.P. Joe Biden have spearheaded a plan to put America, if not back on it’s feet, at least back riding the rails.

    “Trains are integral to our future advancement into the future,” said the President, posing significantly with an impressively majestic cloud formation behind his head. “They were the lifeline of our country for over a century and they have been shabbily treated. If they were good enough for our great-grandfathers, they’re good enough for us.”

    “It’s called the H.O.B.O. Initiative,” said Department of Transportation Deputy Commissioner of Evading Rail Conductors, Eliza Piffle. “In this economy, we’re particularly excited about the notion of  the youth of our nation experiencing the grandeur of our Nation again, especially from the top of a boxcar.”

ALL ABOARD!: Unidentified member of White House staff poses with prototype of Obama sponsored rail technology that the Prez has given Amtrak a blank check to develop.

According to undisclosed White House source Special Agent Thaddeus LipSlip, now formerly of the Presidential security detail, the inspiration for the rail plan came one morning last August during a Cabinet briefing which was occasionally interrupted by Vice President Joe Biden “making ‘Woo Woo’ sounds and circling the table acting like a locomotive, shaking a box of Good ‘n Plenty in front of him. After doing this several times, the President seized upon the idea of reconstructed trains which he put immediately to paper… well as immediately as he could after unclenching the Vice President from the choke hold he had him in.”

Skeptics of the plan state that enthusiasm for railroad travel has diminished since the advent of more rapid forms of travel such as cars, airplanes and jogging, but the President remains resolute in his support of the plan.

Says White House spokesperson Myah Opiah,”The President remains resolute in his support of the plan. Suppose the American people gave up on hula hoops, the typewriter or the wireless radio, where would we be now?”

Environmental critics have pointed to the fact that locomotives run on coal, hardly a clean source of energy and that the resulting addition of toxic pollutants to the atmosphere could have dire consequences to the planetary climate, including continued enlargement of the hole in the Earth’s Ozone layer.

“This is a lot of fuss over nothing,” says EPA Deputy Chief Director of Sneers and Dismissals, Pontius Hammersmith. “We’re talking about Antarctica for crying out loud. This is not the concern of America but the concern of Antarcticans. I suggest if you want to talk about Ozone holes over Antarctica, you tell all of those penguins and prehistoric monsters down there to stop using so much aerosol hair spray.”

Casey Jones could not be reached for comment.

It’s Official! The French Admit: “We are Annoying”

Posted in humor, news, news parody, political humor, political satire, politics, satire with tags , , , , , , , , , on October 13, 2011 by chandlerswainreviews

by Radley Eckstine- Paris Bureau, Swain News Service

Just walk the streets of Paris and you can sense there is something very different in the air. If you can see through the haze of cigarette smoke hovering over the sidewalk cafes on the Rue de la Grossierete Eternelle, there is an unfamiliar blank stare of malaise which has replaced the more familiar and beloved open sneer of contempt the people of the City of Light are famous for.

Jacques Bidet-Cruller, renowned social anthropologist and pinceur derriere, puts his doigt on the problem. “The lack of a  lack of passion for living is missing. It has been replaced by a palpable absence of lack of lack of passion. I was sitting at Cafe de boutons de manchette Yves Montand, and an American tourist couple walked by to ask directions, and there was not one single single snort of derision to come from the patrons. My world was upended! I wanted to cry.”

“A national identity is how a nation identifies itself nationally, and without this sense of national self, we’ll all be forced to carry photo I.D.s to identify ourselves to a nation struggling for it’s own identity on a national level.” So said an unidentified speaker who claimed to be French President Nicholas Sarkozy at a recent Paris conference of M.E.R.D.E., a national consortium of French intellectuals whose keynote address touched upon a national controversy which has been sweeping the country since last Thursday: “What does it mean to be French?”

ARE THE FRENCH FRIED?: Has the effort of annoying the world been too much for the French who may see their Reign of Taunting at an end?

This sudden and severe national identity crisis seems to have paralyzed the entire nation and  has been publicly emphasized with the publication of the latest edition of  Dictionnaire Francaises in which there was an alteration that stunned an already reeling nation. For centuries, under the word French, the definition has traditionally been listed as the following:

adj. 1. Of relating to, or characteristic of France and it’s people or culture. 2. Of relating to the French language. 3. Of a cumulative rudeness of a high level. 4. Of a selective genetic contemptuousness; being of superior attitude without cause.  n. 1. The Romance language of France. 2. (used with a pl. verb) The people of France.

However, in the controversial new edition, the definition has been updated and now reads as follows:

n. 1. French, Giles (alternately Mr. French) name of character popularized by British actor Sebastian Cabot on the American TV program “Family Affair”. 2. Group of people who Victor Hugo used to write about.. 3. Those who surrender. 4. A yellow mustard.

To add insult to injury, the listing is accompanied by a photo of Sebastian Cabot in his popular television role as the unflappable “gentleman’s gentleman”.

“It’s an outrage,” exclaimed French Minister of Cultural Superiority Jacques Bidet- Moret. “To think that an entire people is subordinate to a television character. I can attest to the fact that many of my fellow countrymen are entirely non-fictional!”

IT TAKES GAUL TO BE FRENCH: Will the Real Mr. French(man) please stand up?

In an effort to understand the growing psychological crisis, the French government, through the facilities of La Poste, sent a survey questionnaire to every household in the nation, attempting to ask the people themselves: What Is It to Be French?

In a stunning 70% mandate, the French voted overwhelmingly to admit they are “annoying”, while 20% voted for “uniformly intolerable”, 6% for “cute as a button”, 1% for “none of your damned business” and a mere .8% for “whatever the Fuhrer says”.

French Minister of Interior Design Jacques Bidet-LeBecque was stunned by the results. “I could not believe that La Poste actually delivered the surveys in a timely fashion and failed to go on strike even once during the process! Oh, what has happened to our national pride?”

Writer Gregarus Flippant, a native of New York City, whose study of the French “The Snort Heard ‘Round the World” takes an optomistic view of what others have termed “a crisis of national identity” but he merely sees as a brief period of fatigue. “They are simply tired,” he said, “individually and as a people. One cannot live of wine, baguettes and Nutella without it having some effect on your system. They’re simply experiencing a national hangover.”

“Historically, the French have always been contrary people, but we’ve always put up with them because Catherine Deneuve is so pretty,” says Prof. Zubin Motzah, Dean of French Studies at St. Probiscis University in Kensington, England. “However, if we closely examine the results of the French National Survey we can see that under the heading ‘What as a Frenchman Do You Dislike Most?’, the top answer is Weekly Baths With Soap, beating out Psoriasis by three to one and Nazis by over five to one. So, happily, traces of the French personality survive.”

This is little consolation to Fred and Minnie Carbuncle of Dryer Sheets, Florida, the direction seeking American tourists referred to earlier by Jacques Bidet-Cruller. “We did everything we could to annoy them,” cried Mrs. Carbuncle,”but they wouldn’t insult us. It was so humiliating!”

“Listen dammit, “said Mr. Carbuncle, “we even wore Ed Hardy shirts and nothing, no response. It’s infuriating! You spend a lot of money to come overseas to be insulted by the French and they can’t even spit in your direction? It’s intolerable. This is not what the brochures promised.”

The couple walked away, visibly shaken, but as they left, Mr. Carbuncle yelled to an Eiffel Tower that seemed to take no notice. “One thing you can count on, “he exclaimed in a voice filled with emotion, “Travelocity is going to hear about this!”

Consumer Warning: Recalled Leaf Blowers May Lead to Inconvenient Rips in Space

Posted in humor, news, news parody, Obamarama, political humor, political satire, politics, satire, science with tags , , , , , , , , , on October 12, 2011 by chandlerswainreviews

by Jaspar Apismo, Swain News Service

The Federal Department of Garden Implements and Consumer Grumbling has issued a consumer warning that the Wormhole 6000 Coal Fueled Leaf Blower from Bent & Mangle Industries has been recalled due to safety issues detected in product testing at the independent laboratories of Gotcha, Sezyoo & Associates in Lost Fingers, Nevada.

Testing of the Wormhole 6000 Leaf Blower led the Fed to call for a temporary recall until it could be determined if suspected "tearing of the atmosphere" could be harmful to children under the age of 6. (Click photo to play test footage.)

“The blower was just too powerful,” said testing technician Homer Browridge. “Most equivalent equipment averages out about 120 to 240 Miles Per Hour of blowing power, but the Wormhole 6000 produced a force of over 1800 MPH. Needless to say, it might not be recommended around your more fragile perennials.”

“There’s an indication, just the tiniest, teeniest hint that the fabric of the universe could be imploded by one of these blowers, so we implemented a temporary recall just as a precaution,” admits FDGICG spokesperson Alicia Washhands. “On the plus side, it seems to really stimulate lawn growth.”

The manufacturer, the South Boston-based Bent & Mangle Industries had recently received a $537 million research subsidy from the Obama Administration for the development of “green technology” tongue depressors, but with this latest setback and the fact that the company has suspiciously abandoned it’s mail-box drop nor has anyone responded to messages on it’s answering machine, the funding may possibly encounter increased scrutiny by Congress.

Ms. Washhand admits there has been an increasing struggle for American manufacturers to compete with foreign markets on increasingly complex leaf removal technology.

“I’m not certain what has happened to American initiative in this case,” she said, “the innovations have always come from American engineers. We were the first to initiate standard operational features such as insulated cording, illegal alien operators and power throttles, but the manufacturing seems to be cheaper overseas.”

Though movement in the field of American lawn blowing technology may seem to have taken a hit with the recall of the Wormhole 6000, there may be a light at the end of the tunnel, at it comes from a most unlikely source. It seems before his untimely death, Steve Jobs was working on such a product that would revolutionize the field.

JOBS HAS DONE IT AGAIN!: A Huffing Tongue Post Exclusive- a first peek at the innovative design of a new generation of leaf blowers.

Says industry watchdog Morris Hempfilter, editor of the trade journal “Hoes Prose”, “there had been rumors for years about a secret project which would turn the landscaping world on it’s ear, and I’ve had the honor of actually seeing a prototype that has already been assembled. I guarantee you, after a period of testing, we’ll see a final expression of innovative genius that will change our world forever.”

Are Damages to Monument Kosher?

Posted in humor, news, news parody, Obamarama, political humor, political satire, politics, religion, satire with tags , , , , , , , , on October 10, 2011 by chandlerswainreviews

by Hadley Snipes Prawley, Swain News Service

Palestinian leaders at the U.N. cried “foul” this morning during a session of the General Assembly, accusing the United States of conceding to “outrageous Zionist demands”. Condemnations were specifically targeted at the Obama administration in what were labeled “acts of bad faith unbecoming of a Western infidel” in the Administration’s stated Middle East policy of “knock it off and get over yourselves.”

Peeking over the untamed brush is America's "staggering symbol of potency", a source of recent heated diplomatic controversy.

According to the Palestinian statement, the delegation accuses the administration of a blatant gesture of “unfair and unbalanced solidarity” with Israel, using one of “America’s most staggering symbols of potency” as a figurehead of this “alliance of heathens”, in a clear indication that all of the better global insults have been used up since President George W. Bush’s “Axis of Evil” remark in his 2002 State of the Union Address.

The reference is to the Washington Monument in Washington D.C., and the incidental damage caused to it by a 5.8 earthquake on August 23rd of this year. The monument has been closed since the event due to structural instabilities and the fact that since being referred to by a captured Bin Laden memorandum as “the Great Satan’s phallus”, tourist groups have been unable to approach the monument without giggling.

The accusations of undue political influence stem from what the Palestinian statement refers to as “the alleged damage to this great wavering priapism” , the full text of which will be reprinted in an upcoming issue of Penthouse Forum. Witnesses at the scene note that there has been a great deal of “maintenance” activity about the monument and it is the specific nature of this activity that fuels Palestinian suspicions. Observers say that the reported “need for repairs” may indeed be a cover for a more clandestine activity, or at least as clandestine as you can manage being in full view of every tourist camera within a four mile radius.

HOLY MOSES!: Is the Washington Monument simply undergoing repairs or become one of The Chosen People?

But what exactly is the nature of the activity that concerns these representatives of the Middle East? “It’s very clear to us,” say Abal Abdul Goiter, a spokesperson for the political group Jihad For Jesus, “that the American monument of decadence is going kosher. If you look at the photographs, you can see the forestone being removed!”

“Nonsense,” claims Crendall “Yogi” Twickens, assistant associate to the associate assistant of deputy director of subordinate associate assistants for the Department of Parks, National Monuments and Pic-a-nic Baskets. “I hope you’re not seriously suggesting that a bris is being performed on the Washington Monument? Do you realize the paperwork that would involve? And an operation of this magnitude would require a large team of Mohels. Where would we get them?”

For the uninitiated, a bris is an ancient Hebrew ritual circumcision first popularized on a 1993 episode of the “Seinfeld” TV series. And rumors have been circulating around Washington for the past several minutes that the Pentagon has expanded the training of Navy SEALS to include surgical strike precision tactics using Mohel techniques, leading some in D.C. to speculate an operation of this type could be implemented by U.S. military forces in a time of national emergency.

“Size matters,” says Army envoy Capt. Donovan Doantell. ” The American people should be aware that we are better prepared, with a bigger striking force, with a lot more staying power, that will stay on top of the job until we finish it to our satisfaction,” he emphasized. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I need a smoke.”

Sources from the Congressional Oversight group Congressional Oversight Group indicate that there is little interest on The Hill in taking suggestions of overt influence peddling from Israel seriously, although Barney Frank’s office indicates that the Massachusetts Congressman is willing to make a personal “after hours” investigation of alleged circumsized gigantism.

Conservative Republicans, however, are expressing concern that the very concept of an “altered” monument could have serious consequences. “It’s a matter of moral values,” says Hannibal Straitnarrow, author of the Conservative tome “Righteousness for Dummies”, “at this point, I see no alternative but to cover the monument with a brown paper bag.”

In The News: U.S. Prez Rating Dips

Posted in humor, news, news parody, Obamarama, political humor, political satire, politics with tags , , , , , , , , , , on October 9, 2011 by chandlerswainreviews

by Krebus Toppel, D.C. Office- Swain News Service

The motto around the Nation’s Capitol these days may very well be “When It Rains It Pours”. In an announcement eerily reminiscent of the historic S & P downgrading of the American credit rating from AAA to AA, the Glum Institute in Stockholm has downgraded the Presidency of the United States from a perfect 5 to a lesser 4 rating, lowering the International Leadership Index Standard of Barack Obama from “Presidential” to “White House Resident”.

THE INCREDIBLE SHRINKING PRESIDENT: If the President continues to diminish in world stature, will he soon be traveling to Europe in Handbag One?

“This came as a complete surprise to the President as soon as we inform him,” said White House spokesperson Myah Opiah in an impromptu press meeting at Ben’s Chili Bowl, a favorite hangout of the President when introducing foreign leaders to the health foods of America. “I can assure you that the President is hard at work, focused on the immediate concerns of this nation,” she said exiting swiftly with four bags of half-smokes, fries and a tureen of chili.

“I want to assure the nation that this unprecedented announcement will not deter me from the task at hand,”  announced the President several hours later on a memo partially obscured by a chili stain. “I have every intention in this historic time unprecedented in history to blame the Congress who must be forced to do the will of the People. The People who elected them. And the People who will kick them out of office. Not me. Them. I cannot stress the historic importance of this enough. Have I mentioned that this is unprecedented?”

“I really couldn’t have said it better myself,” said Vice-President Joe Biden, looking interestedly at the memo. “And by the way,” he inquired, “where’d you get the chili?”

After hearing the news of his rating reduction , President Obama maintains a cool composure and continues the diligent task of watching out for enemy paratroopers dropping from the sky and infiltrating D.C. recreational areas.

“It’s not apparent, for the moment, what effect this may have on our relationship with foreign governments, especially those in other countries,” read a statement from Massachusetts Congressman Barney Frank’s office. “But you can bet we’ll be able to negotiate our way around the situation, especially if they don’t hear about it.”

“I’m not certain this is any big deal at all,” countered Capitol Hill analyst Ivan Gottplenty. “It’s only a one point dip. Two points would be more serious. That’s ‘Commanding Tenant-at-Will’. A three point dip would be near catastophic. That’s designated as ‘Vagrant-In-Chief’.”

That would place President Obama at a 2 Rating on the scale. But what about the lowest. What about a 1 rating?

Gottplenty shivered even at the prospect and spoke softly as if he didn’t want to be heard. “It’s bad,” he said, “really bad. It’s the kind of thing anyone in Washington would sell their soul to avoid. It’s horrible. It’s monstrous. It’s a terror unlike any other!” He swallowed painfully and then continued. “The 1 rating mean… it means…it means…” He could barely speak but through tears and terrified clenched teeth, but before falling into a dead faint, uttered the words: ‘private U.S. citizen’!”