Archive for life

NEWSFLASH: Gaddafi Burial Details Revealed

Posted in humor, news, news parody, political humor, satire with tags , , , , on October 27, 2011 by chandlerswainreviews

by Jaspar Apismo,  Swain News Service


TAKING THE FINAL PLUNGE: "It appears someone goofed," said Libyan observer Noodel Al-Ramen, "the burial called for a sandy place but someone must have thought they said 'go to the sandbox'".

Days after the accidental beating and shooting death of Libyan dictator Muammar Gaddafi, The Hufffing Tongue Post has received access to exclusive footage of what is believed to be his supposedly secret burial . Witnessed by only a few unnamed persons and his cat Minxy, Gaddafi was buried under strict Libyan Rebel rules befitting rulers who “live a peaceful life, honor thy women by wearing thy clothing and scattering thy seed unto the fold in prelude to screaming, killing, torturing and maiming.”

Exclusive footage of the presumed burial obtained from unnamed sources was too shaky to provide a clear image and so the film was sent to one of the most respected digital effects houses in Hollywood, where it was recreated at no small expense using the latest in CGI technology as well as featuring noted stunt cat “Halibut” who was previously seen in the motion pictures “The King’s Speech”, “Million Dollar Baby” and “Critters 3”. During the recreation production, agents from the ASPCA were present to ensure that no animals were harmed in the making of the footage. Sensitive viewers are to be advised that the footage is extremely graphic.

Celebrity 24 Celebrity All-Nude Photos!

Posted in humor, news, satire with tags , , , , , , on October 26, 2011 by chandlerswainreviews

by Anonymous, Special to the Swain News Service

Girls! Girls! Girls! Explicit photos of some of the most celebrated women in Hollywood and beyond are here for your perusal!

….Now that we have your attention. This has been a Test of the Emergency Blog Viewing System. Had this been an actual emergency we’d be sure and mention gratuitous sex to get your attention since nothing else seems to work. tsk tsk. Shame on you. This has been a Test of the Emergency Blog Viewing System.

BOSOX BLAME BLOW-OUT ON BULLPEN BOOZEHOUNDS

Posted in baseball, Boston, humor, news, news parody, Red Sox, satire, sports, sports parody with tags , , , , , , , , , on October 20, 2011 by chandlerswainreviews

by Alkie Grubbucks, Sports Desk- Swain News Service

DATELINE- BOSTON  In the days since their historic slide from an assured place in the American League playoffs to off-season unemployed bottom dwellers, the Boston Red Sox have undergone a personnel vasectomy, lopping off vital parts of the team in an effort to save face and diminish the volume of incoming junk mail to the front office.

BOOZE-O-VISION: The question now is whether Red Sox pitchers saw rival batters as competitors or as milky hazes?

Key amongst these changes was the release of team manager Terry “Tito” Francona, who according to Red Sox President Larry Lucchino was not released due to the unprecedented slide into hellish oblivion his team took in September, but due to community sensitivities in surrounding ethnic neighborhoods. “We are very sensitive to the wonderful people of Yugoslavia, or whatever those people call their country nowadays, and we didn’t want any further emotional turmoil caused by our manager’s constant reference to that awful country’s former dictator,” read a statement from the Red Sox front office.

To distract from an unfair fallout on Bosox manager Francona for the historic slide of the team, owner John Henry (above) attempts to distract the press by faking his own death; the plan foiled as no one could tell the difference.

Reaching Team Captain, veteran catcher Jason Varitek about the situation, he commented only by saying, “uhhh.”

This might have been an accepted scenario were it not for an exhibition of last-minute theatrics by Principal Owner John W. Henry who, while Francona was announcing his ouster from the team, was staging a valiant distraction campaign by tripping over his laces and falling on the deck of his yacht cum aircraft carrier, bumping his head and paralyzing the New England health care system by keeping every doctor on call in case they were needed for surgical support and emergency bill padding. After personally telephoning every media outlet in a nine state radius, Henry was rushed to the hospital in an ambulance that took a mere three hours to travel the four blocks from the docking pier, followed intently by media helicopters from all over the globe.  “It was touch and go, until he arrived at the hospital,” says Chief Surgeon Dr. Imperius Chester Thumper, Director of Mass. General Hospital’s state-of-the-art Department of Hysterical Illnesses. ” It was one of the most perplexing cases of ‘aplexic contusive sternasis’ I’ve ever encountered; or, in layman’s language, a boo boo. When he arrived at the hospital he seemed to be in advanced state of rigor mortis, but was responsive to questions and seemingly back to normal.”

The Boston sports media, however, was not fooled by the ruse and took the incident with a grain of salt, one prominent Boston Globe columnist summing up the situation by saying, “My God! This could have been the end, I tell you, THE END! IT COULD HAVE BEEN OUR OWN 9/11!!”

Since then, new and damning allegations have emerged of players drinking during games, gorging on and greasing up their pitching fingers with Popeye’s Fried Chicken and playing clubhouse video games during crucial innings in the tumultuous September slide.

IN BETWEEN PITCH SNACK?: No matter what his ERA, Bosox hurler Josh Beckett was reportedly Team Captain when it came to CPI (Chicken Per Inning).

“I don beleef dis forra secon’,” said Juan Jose Garcia Ramirez Santiago Ortega-Martinez, night manager of the local Popeye’s franchise, across the street from Fenway Park. “Owr chikken ess no greezy. Wee spunge off de chikkens affer cookin’. No greezy.”

Popeye’s delivery man, Zindale “Spiderneck” Agula, has a different story.

“You bets we deliver t’ them guys all t’ time,” he said. “That cheapskate Beckett always came t’ the clubhouse door ‘n grabbed the bags o’ food and said “hey, look behind ya'” an’ when I turned he closed the door on me, ‘n stiffed me. After seven ‘r eight times, I din’ fall for that no more.”

About what has become known as the “Crispy Thigh Affair”, Red Sox Captain veteran catcher Jason Varitek would only comment by saying, “uhhh.”

The rumors about during-the-game drinking are particularly disturbing, especially when considering that it takes at least forty minutes in line at Fenway Park to get a delicious lukewarm brew: where were pitchers Beckett, Lester and Lackey getting theirs at a moment’s notice?

BOTTOMS (OF THE STANDINGS) UP?: Inside the Bosox clubhouse, referred to by team personnel as "The Speakeasy", with team bartender Manny Jigizup, who may not be able to pitch a curve ball, but mixes a mean Highball.

“It’s all on tap,” says clubhouse bartender Manny Jigizup, “you just put your glass under the spigot and pour a tall one.” It seems that as a condition of lengthy player arbitration, the Red Sox organization allowed many players contract bonus incentives, the rumored so-called ‘Kegger Clause’, to “maintain high spirits”, but details of these contracts have not been made available to the public. “That Theo, ” said Jigizup, “he really knows how to negotiate a contract. Can I pour you a pint?”

Theo Epstein, General Manager of the Red Sox has since resigned from his post on the hapless team, where he was instrumental in leading the team to two World Championships, ending an eighty six year drought, and has now moved on to a position with the Chicago Cubs, whose own record of 103 consecutive seasons without a Series championship needs serious attention.

“We’re thrilled to add Theo to our team,” says Cubs’ spokesman Mason Brickview. “The Cubs have found every way humanly possible to lose a chance at a Championship Pennant, but we’ve never had a major slide due to rampant team sanctioned alcoholism, obese  overeating and video game distraction. This kind of contribution could add an entirely new chapter to our team’s legacy!”

5.6 TONS ON THE RICHTER SCALE?: Bosox ace Josh Beckett exiting Fenway Park during the final month of the season. Fans question why alarm bells, or at least seismic readings, weren't attracting attention over the disgraceful clubhouse situation?

In the meantime, there remains the question of what to do with the smoking crater once known as Red Sox Nation? Bosox President Larry Luchino is optimistic about the future. Says front office spokesperson Denny Nile, “Red Sox staff, players and fans are all looking to put this behind us. The front office has taken firm action into correcting all of the problems with the team this year. Already plans are in the works to change over many of the concession personnel, repaint the rest room areas, add more seats to the right field section and, of course, raise ticket prices which the fans expect and would be alarmed that something is wrong if we didn’t.”

But what of the problems with the team itself, especially reports on undisciplined activity by the players? Nile waves away any such concerns.

“Let me tell you,” he said, “that we have already spoken to pitchers John Lackey and John Lester and both have agreed to suspend their clubhouse pole dancing competition until after the seventh inning stretch. By that time, neither would be in the game anyway. And have I not told you we’re firing several of the stadium hot dog and cotton candy vendors?”

When reached for comment on the entire situation, Red Sox Captain, veteran catcher Jason Varitek, responded by saying, “uhhh.”

Boston Mayor Thomas M. Menino could not be understood for comment.

It’s Official! The French Admit: “We are Annoying”

Posted in humor, news, news parody, political humor, political satire, politics, satire with tags , , , , , , , , , on October 13, 2011 by chandlerswainreviews

by Radley Eckstine- Paris Bureau, Swain News Service

Just walk the streets of Paris and you can sense there is something very different in the air. If you can see through the haze of cigarette smoke hovering over the sidewalk cafes on the Rue de la Grossierete Eternelle, there is an unfamiliar blank stare of malaise which has replaced the more familiar and beloved open sneer of contempt the people of the City of Light are famous for.

Jacques Bidet-Cruller, renowned social anthropologist and pinceur derriere, puts his doigt on the problem. “The lack of a  lack of passion for living is missing. It has been replaced by a palpable absence of lack of lack of passion. I was sitting at Cafe de boutons de manchette Yves Montand, and an American tourist couple walked by to ask directions, and there was not one single single snort of derision to come from the patrons. My world was upended! I wanted to cry.”

“A national identity is how a nation identifies itself nationally, and without this sense of national self, we’ll all be forced to carry photo I.D.s to identify ourselves to a nation struggling for it’s own identity on a national level.” So said an unidentified speaker who claimed to be French President Nicholas Sarkozy at a recent Paris conference of M.E.R.D.E., a national consortium of French intellectuals whose keynote address touched upon a national controversy which has been sweeping the country since last Thursday: “What does it mean to be French?”

ARE THE FRENCH FRIED?: Has the effort of annoying the world been too much for the French who may see their Reign of Taunting at an end?

This sudden and severe national identity crisis seems to have paralyzed the entire nation and  has been publicly emphasized with the publication of the latest edition of  Dictionnaire Francaises in which there was an alteration that stunned an already reeling nation. For centuries, under the word French, the definition has traditionally been listed as the following:

adj. 1. Of relating to, or characteristic of France and it’s people or culture. 2. Of relating to the French language. 3. Of a cumulative rudeness of a high level. 4. Of a selective genetic contemptuousness; being of superior attitude without cause.  n. 1. The Romance language of France. 2. (used with a pl. verb) The people of France.

However, in the controversial new edition, the definition has been updated and now reads as follows:

n. 1. French, Giles (alternately Mr. French) name of character popularized by British actor Sebastian Cabot on the American TV program “Family Affair”. 2. Group of people who Victor Hugo used to write about.. 3. Those who surrender. 4. A yellow mustard.

To add insult to injury, the listing is accompanied by a photo of Sebastian Cabot in his popular television role as the unflappable “gentleman’s gentleman”.

“It’s an outrage,” exclaimed French Minister of Cultural Superiority Jacques Bidet- Moret. “To think that an entire people is subordinate to a television character. I can attest to the fact that many of my fellow countrymen are entirely non-fictional!”

IT TAKES GAUL TO BE FRENCH: Will the Real Mr. French(man) please stand up?

In an effort to understand the growing psychological crisis, the French government, through the facilities of La Poste, sent a survey questionnaire to every household in the nation, attempting to ask the people themselves: What Is It to Be French?

In a stunning 70% mandate, the French voted overwhelmingly to admit they are “annoying”, while 20% voted for “uniformly intolerable”, 6% for “cute as a button”, 1% for “none of your damned business” and a mere .8% for “whatever the Fuhrer says”.

French Minister of Interior Design Jacques Bidet-LeBecque was stunned by the results. “I could not believe that La Poste actually delivered the surveys in a timely fashion and failed to go on strike even once during the process! Oh, what has happened to our national pride?”

Writer Gregarus Flippant, a native of New York City, whose study of the French “The Snort Heard ‘Round the World” takes an optomistic view of what others have termed “a crisis of national identity” but he merely sees as a brief period of fatigue. “They are simply tired,” he said, “individually and as a people. One cannot live of wine, baguettes and Nutella without it having some effect on your system. They’re simply experiencing a national hangover.”

“Historically, the French have always been contrary people, but we’ve always put up with them because Catherine Deneuve is so pretty,” says Prof. Zubin Motzah, Dean of French Studies at St. Probiscis University in Kensington, England. “However, if we closely examine the results of the French National Survey we can see that under the heading ‘What as a Frenchman Do You Dislike Most?’, the top answer is Weekly Baths With Soap, beating out Psoriasis by three to one and Nazis by over five to one. So, happily, traces of the French personality survive.”

This is little consolation to Fred and Minnie Carbuncle of Dryer Sheets, Florida, the direction seeking American tourists referred to earlier by Jacques Bidet-Cruller. “We did everything we could to annoy them,” cried Mrs. Carbuncle,”but they wouldn’t insult us. It was so humiliating!”

“Listen dammit, “said Mr. Carbuncle, “we even wore Ed Hardy shirts and nothing, no response. It’s infuriating! You spend a lot of money to come overseas to be insulted by the French and they can’t even spit in your direction? It’s intolerable. This is not what the brochures promised.”

The couple walked away, visibly shaken, but as they left, Mr. Carbuncle yelled to an Eiffel Tower that seemed to take no notice. “One thing you can count on, “he exclaimed in a voice filled with emotion, “Travelocity is going to hear about this!”

Consumer Warning: Recalled Leaf Blowers May Lead to Inconvenient Rips in Space

Posted in humor, news, news parody, Obamarama, political humor, political satire, politics, satire, science with tags , , , , , , , , , on October 12, 2011 by chandlerswainreviews

by Jaspar Apismo, Swain News Service

The Federal Department of Garden Implements and Consumer Grumbling has issued a consumer warning that the Wormhole 6000 Coal Fueled Leaf Blower from Bent & Mangle Industries has been recalled due to safety issues detected in product testing at the independent laboratories of Gotcha, Sezyoo & Associates in Lost Fingers, Nevada.

Testing of the Wormhole 6000 Leaf Blower led the Fed to call for a temporary recall until it could be determined if suspected "tearing of the atmosphere" could be harmful to children under the age of 6. (Click photo to play test footage.)

“The blower was just too powerful,” said testing technician Homer Browridge. “Most equivalent equipment averages out about 120 to 240 Miles Per Hour of blowing power, but the Wormhole 6000 produced a force of over 1800 MPH. Needless to say, it might not be recommended around your more fragile perennials.”

“There’s an indication, just the tiniest, teeniest hint that the fabric of the universe could be imploded by one of these blowers, so we implemented a temporary recall just as a precaution,” admits FDGICG spokesperson Alicia Washhands. “On the plus side, it seems to really stimulate lawn growth.”

The manufacturer, the South Boston-based Bent & Mangle Industries had recently received a $537 million research subsidy from the Obama Administration for the development of “green technology” tongue depressors, but with this latest setback and the fact that the company has suspiciously abandoned it’s mail-box drop nor has anyone responded to messages on it’s answering machine, the funding may possibly encounter increased scrutiny by Congress.

Ms. Washhand admits there has been an increasing struggle for American manufacturers to compete with foreign markets on increasingly complex leaf removal technology.

“I’m not certain what has happened to American initiative in this case,” she said, “the innovations have always come from American engineers. We were the first to initiate standard operational features such as insulated cording, illegal alien operators and power throttles, but the manufacturing seems to be cheaper overseas.”

Though movement in the field of American lawn blowing technology may seem to have taken a hit with the recall of the Wormhole 6000, there may be a light at the end of the tunnel, at it comes from a most unlikely source. It seems before his untimely death, Steve Jobs was working on such a product that would revolutionize the field.

JOBS HAS DONE IT AGAIN!: A Huffing Tongue Post Exclusive- a first peek at the innovative design of a new generation of leaf blowers.

Says industry watchdog Morris Hempfilter, editor of the trade journal “Hoes Prose”, “there had been rumors for years about a secret project which would turn the landscaping world on it’s ear, and I’ve had the honor of actually seeing a prototype that has already been assembled. I guarantee you, after a period of testing, we’ll see a final expression of innovative genius that will change our world forever.”

In The News: U.S. Prez Rating Dips

Posted in humor, news, news parody, Obamarama, political humor, political satire, politics with tags , , , , , , , , , , on October 9, 2011 by chandlerswainreviews

by Krebus Toppel, D.C. Office- Swain News Service

The motto around the Nation’s Capitol these days may very well be “When It Rains It Pours”. In an announcement eerily reminiscent of the historic S & P downgrading of the American credit rating from AAA to AA, the Glum Institute in Stockholm has downgraded the Presidency of the United States from a perfect 5 to a lesser 4 rating, lowering the International Leadership Index Standard of Barack Obama from “Presidential” to “White House Resident”.

THE INCREDIBLE SHRINKING PRESIDENT: If the President continues to diminish in world stature, will he soon be traveling to Europe in Handbag One?

“This came as a complete surprise to the President as soon as we inform him,” said White House spokesperson Myah Opiah in an impromptu press meeting at Ben’s Chili Bowl, a favorite hangout of the President when introducing foreign leaders to the health foods of America. “I can assure you that the President is hard at work, focused on the immediate concerns of this nation,” she said exiting swiftly with four bags of half-smokes, fries and a tureen of chili.

“I want to assure the nation that this unprecedented announcement will not deter me from the task at hand,”  announced the President several hours later on a memo partially obscured by a chili stain. “I have every intention in this historic time unprecedented in history to blame the Congress who must be forced to do the will of the People. The People who elected them. And the People who will kick them out of office. Not me. Them. I cannot stress the historic importance of this enough. Have I mentioned that this is unprecedented?”

“I really couldn’t have said it better myself,” said Vice-President Joe Biden, looking interestedly at the memo. “And by the way,” he inquired, “where’d you get the chili?”

After hearing the news of his rating reduction , President Obama maintains a cool composure and continues the diligent task of watching out for enemy paratroopers dropping from the sky and infiltrating D.C. recreational areas.

“It’s not apparent, for the moment, what effect this may have on our relationship with foreign governments, especially those in other countries,” read a statement from Massachusetts Congressman Barney Frank’s office. “But you can bet we’ll be able to negotiate our way around the situation, especially if they don’t hear about it.”

“I’m not certain this is any big deal at all,” countered Capitol Hill analyst Ivan Gottplenty. “It’s only a one point dip. Two points would be more serious. That’s ‘Commanding Tenant-at-Will’. A three point dip would be near catastophic. That’s designated as ‘Vagrant-In-Chief’.”

That would place President Obama at a 2 Rating on the scale. But what about the lowest. What about a 1 rating?

Gottplenty shivered even at the prospect and spoke softly as if he didn’t want to be heard. “It’s bad,” he said, “really bad. It’s the kind of thing anyone in Washington would sell their soul to avoid. It’s horrible. It’s monstrous. It’s a terror unlike any other!” He swallowed painfully and then continued. “The 1 rating mean… it means…it means…” He could barely speak but through tears and terrified clenched teeth, but before falling into a dead faint, uttered the words: ‘private U.S. citizen’!”

Burning Flags Burns Impolite Radicals

Posted in humor, news, news parody, political humor, politics with tags , , , , , , , , on October 7, 2011 by chandlerswainreviews

by Alden Branch, Swain News Service

In a bold move of  industrialization that can only advance the American business reputation for originality and adaptability, the major manufacturers of American Flags and Banners have joined forces to increase shipments of America’s Stars and Stripes to nations hostile to our international policies.

Suckers!: American businesses have turned a national insult by impolite dissidents, fundamentalist radicals and college grads avoiding work into a lucrative American Free Enterprise bonanza.

“There is no doubt,” says Jeremiah Wixton Plank, director of the Federation of American Flagwavers, “that the world despises us and for good reason. After all, we have spent the better part of a century fighting oppression, healing the ill, feeding the poor and taking from our own mouths to help others. It’s like being a doting parent and dealing with a roomful of bratty, spoiled children. So like all good children, the rest of the world is waiting for us to die so they can inherit our money and buy a fancy car and cheap women. But,” he adds, ” it’s the smart parent who knows how to make this ingratitude work for them.”

Plank’s plan is very simple. “It’s Economics 101,” he explains. ” The fundamental laws of supply and demand. The only problem with our economy is that we’ve forgotten the basics and only attend to the perks. Since there are so many disgruntled nations that are filled with dissidents who spend full-time careers burning our flag, why not supply them ourselves? After all, who manufactures a better American flag than Americans? And why should someone else make a profit off of our national symbol? “That,” he reminds everyone, “would be simply Un-American!”

Plank may be right. By the latest count from the Bureau of Arcane Statistics and Unmatched Socks, on any given day there are approximately twelve thousand anti-American demonstrations around the world, with a good 18% of them occurring outside the state of California. The need for burnable symbols of the United States is immediate and highly prized.

“On the streets, they’re as valuable as heroin. And when it comes to manufacturing disposable items with high flammability content, no one has a prouder history than America,” declares Habersham Mountebank, President of Denver, Colorado’s Flags R Fun Inc., and a Board member of the North American Association of Manufacturers, Tradesmen and Carpetbaggers. “We can say with pride that when those angry beggars burn our flags, that’s American craftmanship they’re enjoying. None of that crayons on a bed sheet manufacturing you get from your lower end radicals who have no sense of pride in what they destroy. Our flags are strong and colorful. A source of pride to use, bringing real prestige to any group who wishes to ignite them. And at $149.95 a pop, it’s good business.”

This appears to be a rather callous business endeavor, but Mr. Mountebank gives all assurances that a great deal of thought has gone into this enterprise. “Oh yes,” he explains, “you see, there are innumerable regulations and standards for flags manufactured for normal domestic usage. But for these specially exported products, well that’s an entirely different ball game. For instance, not every flag is right for every radical and we have a wide variety. We have flags made from rejected, contaminated cotton fibers laced with asbestos that emit a noxious cloud of particles when burned. Then there’s our Speedo model, in which the fibers are made on a domestically unapproved petroleum based fiber that flashes up instantly like a matchstick. So fast, the radicals can’t even snap a decent picture of their demonstration. Really pisses the hell out of them. And then, of course, there’s our industrial strength fire-resistant Colossus Flag which is you’re flag variation on the old trick birthday candle novelty, only this one keeps self-extinguishing. Drives the dissidents nuts.”

Then it appears that while, on the surface, the “Burn Baby Burn” initiative, as it is known in the trade, is merely a commercial enterprise aimed at profit at the expense of national pride, it actually is an initiative creating a healthy business climate in dangerously troubling economic times, creating jobs, and infuriating the radically inclined consumer with a product designed to poke a finger back in their eyes.”

“You have to understand something,” continues Mr. Mountebank, “Americans are known for their sense of humor. We love a good prank. And too bad if they can’t take a joke. They can’t exactly return a defective burned flag to the place of purchase for a refund, they already burnt it up! It only makes the radicals madder, so what do they do? They buy more of our flags! It’s a self- perpetuating industry!”