Burning Flags Burns Impolite Radicals

Posted in humor, news, news parody, political humor, politics with tags , , , , , , , , on October 7, 2011 by chandlerswainreviews

by Alden Branch, Swain News Service

In a bold move of  industrialization that can only advance the American business reputation for originality and adaptability, the major manufacturers of American Flags and Banners have joined forces to increase shipments of America’s Stars and Stripes to nations hostile to our international policies.

Suckers!: American businesses have turned a national insult by impolite dissidents, fundamentalist radicals and college grads avoiding work into a lucrative American Free Enterprise bonanza.

“There is no doubt,” says Jeremiah Wixton Plank, director of the Federation of American Flagwavers, “that the world despises us and for good reason. After all, we have spent the better part of a century fighting oppression, healing the ill, feeding the poor and taking from our own mouths to help others. It’s like being a doting parent and dealing with a roomful of bratty, spoiled children. So like all good children, the rest of the world is waiting for us to die so they can inherit our money and buy a fancy car and cheap women. But,” he adds, ” it’s the smart parent who knows how to make this ingratitude work for them.”

Plank’s plan is very simple. “It’s Economics 101,” he explains. ” The fundamental laws of supply and demand. The only problem with our economy is that we’ve forgotten the basics and only attend to the perks. Since there are so many disgruntled nations that are filled with dissidents who spend full-time careers burning our flag, why not supply them ourselves? After all, who manufactures a better American flag than Americans? And why should someone else make a profit off of our national symbol? “That,” he reminds everyone, “would be simply Un-American!”

Plank may be right. By the latest count from the Bureau of Arcane Statistics and Unmatched Socks, on any given day there are approximately twelve thousand anti-American demonstrations around the world, with a good 18% of them occurring outside the state of California. The need for burnable symbols of the United States is immediate and highly prized.

“On the streets, they’re as valuable as heroin. And when it comes to manufacturing disposable items with high flammability content, no one has a prouder history than America,” declares Habersham Mountebank, President of Denver, Colorado’s Flags R Fun Inc., and a Board member of the North American Association of Manufacturers, Tradesmen and Carpetbaggers. “We can say with pride that when those angry beggars burn our flags, that’s American craftmanship they’re enjoying. None of that crayons on a bed sheet manufacturing you get from your lower end radicals who have no sense of pride in what they destroy. Our flags are strong and colorful. A source of pride to use, bringing real prestige to any group who wishes to ignite them. And at $149.95 a pop, it’s good business.”

This appears to be a rather callous business endeavor, but Mr. Mountebank gives all assurances that a great deal of thought has gone into this enterprise. “Oh yes,” he explains, “you see, there are innumerable regulations and standards for flags manufactured for normal domestic usage. But for these specially exported products, well that’s an entirely different ball game. For instance, not every flag is right for every radical and we have a wide variety. We have flags made from rejected, contaminated cotton fibers laced with asbestos that emit a noxious cloud of particles when burned. Then there’s our Speedo model, in which the fibers are made on a domestically unapproved petroleum based fiber that flashes up instantly like a matchstick. So fast, the radicals can’t even snap a decent picture of their demonstration. Really pisses the hell out of them. And then, of course, there’s our industrial strength fire-resistant Colossus Flag which is you’re flag variation on the old trick birthday candle novelty, only this one keeps self-extinguishing. Drives the dissidents nuts.”

Then it appears that while, on the surface, the “Burn Baby Burn” initiative, as it is known in the trade, is merely a commercial enterprise aimed at profit at the expense of national pride, it actually is an initiative creating a healthy business climate in dangerously troubling economic times, creating jobs, and infuriating the radically inclined consumer with a product designed to poke a finger back in their eyes.”

“You have to understand something,” continues Mr. Mountebank, “Americans are known for their sense of humor. We love a good prank. And too bad if they can’t take a joke. They can’t exactly return a defective burned flag to the place of purchase for a refund, they already burnt it up! It only makes the radicals madder, so what do they do? They buy more of our flags! It’s a self- perpetuating industry!”

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In The News: Obama Bores Self

Posted in humor, news, news parody, Obamarama, political humor, politics with tags , , , , , , , , , , on October 6, 2011 by chandlerswainreviews

by Kreebus Toppel, Swain News Service

The Prez takes a short nap during his morning "Blame For Jobs" news conference.

In a bracing act of candor, President Barack Obama actually put himself to sleep while holding this morning’s White House press conference concerning his Jobs Bill.

Pulling out the Washington D.C. Metro area phone book and reading off the names of all who he feels are to blame for the stalled passage of the still-secret employment plan, the President had reached the the letter H in the directory before showing signs of boredom, closed his eyes and fell unconscious for several minutes.

“He was very Presidential, ” admired NBC news correspondent Halibut Finesse, “he didn’t even fall over or slump the podium. He maintained a very erect posture and started snoring lightly.”

“Oh he was so cute,” commented veteran CNN correspondent Betsy Sturgeon. “And when that little bit of drool came from the corner of his mouth, he reminded us all of Joe Biden. It was adorable.”

Fox News correspondent Stoney Grimshark had a different perspective: “Why aren’t we talking about Rick Perry?”

When reached for comment, Vice President Biden asked, “Are you bringing up that Obama fella again, whoever he is?”

Christie Makes Heavyweight Announcement

Posted in humor, news, news parody, political humor, politics with tags , , , , , , , , , , on October 6, 2011 by chandlerswainreviews

by Miller Welp, Swain News Service

New Jersey Republican Governor Chris Christie stunned the nation yesterday, barely hours after announcing his decision not to run for President in the upcoming 2012 election, by announcing that he is not announcing any more decisions.

"I WANT IT ALL!": exclaimed NJ Guv Chris Christie as he approached the desert table at a Country Kitchen Buffet in Asbury Park yesterday.

The announcement, formerly made while attending the inaugural lunch at a new Country Kitchen Buffet in Asbury Park, NJ, caused tremors to erupt in several news agencies as there was now a question as to what speculation the networks would have to work into an artificial lather to replace the broadcast time normally filled with speculation about Christie who is no longer speculating on a possible Presidential run.

“This is going to play havoc with the political talking heads,” warned MSNBC exec Libby Butchman. “Up until now they’ve had a good run, but because of this they might have to study up on some issues. Just like a damn Republican to insensitively think only of themselves.”

Fox News writer Ava Limpkiss feels the situation could make the speculation game even more promising. She speculates: “Just think, with Christie announcing no new announcement, and Palin rumored to be stepping aside, there’s an exciting possibility of a Christie-Palin ticket leading the way in a non-running election arena!”

In the meantime, Governor Christie has not commented on his promise to not comment further.

Sara Lee could not be reached for comment.

Does Brains Kill Booze Cells?

Posted in education, humor, news, news parody, Obamarama, political humor, politics with tags , , , , , , , , , on October 6, 2011 by chandlerswainreviews

by Phoebus Mink, Swain News Service

ALL TOGETHER NOW: The Prez and the First Lady demonstrate that in the Obama administration it "takes a village to read a book."

   In a report that is flummoxing the academic world and sending the liquor industry into a tailspin, The Snootermus Forum, an academic think tank that has been an adviser on educational matters to six Presidents and the Dave Clark Five, has announced a dramatic decrease of reckless university level partying and a pronounced increase of collegiate level “binge learning”.

Jose Ortega del de Cortozone, the Cancun Chamber of Commerce director in charge of Spring Break Topless Podcasts and Drunken Deflowerings, is quick to push the panic button. “If this is true that university students are turning their backs on the long cherished tradition of Spin the STD, I have no idea how our economy will sustain itself through these harsh economic times,” he says. “What are we to do with all of those Mojito flavored ointments, cheap sunglasses and condom factory seconds we import from our trade agreements from China?”

    Neelon Bendover, assistant to the Undersecretary of  Lowerclassmen  Collegiate  Timekilling in the Department of Education feels the current trend toward studious behavior is a cyclical aberration. “There seem to be a small number of students who are cracking the books,” he explains. “What they don’t seem to understand is the changing economic market which will make such focused academic studies a detriment to their future in the job market. After all, what place will they have in a company who expects little of their personnel as to not upset the status quo? It’s not like we actually produce anything in this country anymore.  I think these kids are in for a rude awakening.”

    Washington economist Almodovar Hensdale-Spittoon is more blunt in his forecast. ” Divorce, adultery, addictions and general irresponsible antisocial behavior are on the rise in our modern adult lifestyle, and if these kids continue to study diligently and refuse the valuable life experience of reckless sexuality, drinking and carousing, they will never be prepared to make their own contributions to society as we know it.”

    Hensdale-Spittoon’s alarmist attitude may be well founded, as it has been reported that several favorite Cancun Spring Break resorts are already booked for next year’s vacation period by a conference of library science study groups from both Nebraska State and St. Chastity’s of the Confused Gender Seminary College.

Brits Ban Fag Machines

Posted in humor, news, news parody, political humor, politics, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , on October 1, 2011 by chandlerswainreviews

by Fargo Smick- London Office, Swain News Service

The Department of Health has placed a ban on cigarette machines throughout England in an attempt to protect children from easy access to tobacco products and to boost employment in the softening fake I.D. industry.

An estimated 35 million cigarettes are illegally purchased by minors every year and the numbers are on the rise. Labour Party spokesman Kenneth Pinchmouth says it was past due for affirmative action. “The little urchins are purchasing smokes faster than they can be put in the machines,” he explains. “It is illegal, and the cost of  arresting, prosecuting and sending all of the tykes to prison has become ruinous for the economy. The jails are overfilled as it is.”

Dr. Heccuba Redcoat, Director of the Medical College of Filched Cadavers has a different perspective. “It’s a health issue. Children shouldn’t be smoking on top of their recommended four pints of bitters a day. It’s just not a healthy mix, especially while operating heavy machinery.”

Undercover Detective Cedrick Fong mixes with the gang members of Miss Chatterton's Bo Peep Pre-School to find hidden sources of illicit child tobacco.

It is estimated that 11% of all illegal cigarette purchases are attributed to vending machines. But what about the other 89%? What is the source of the vast majority of tobacco transactions? Inspector Jamison Kreely Lipmutton of Scotland Yard feels they have a lead on the problem.

“Approximately 3% we know are purchased on schoolyard playgrounds, during recess, between classes, and we have undercover operatives at this very moment infiltrating these areas,” he explains. “A good percentage come from kid pranksterism. You know, truck hijackings and overseas smuggling. The rest are supplied by those whom we have heard referred to on the streets as “parents”. Talk on the streets is that we are hearing them blamed for everything lately and we have to find out what this emerging underworld element is. That’s where we’re focusing our energies. To crack this criminal organization.”

Recent events have proven that Inspector Lipmutton is a man of his word, as several organized Parent-Teacher meetings have been raided and dozens of the alleged “mums” and “dads” have been detained for extended questioning. Parliament has made public pronouncements on the subject as well. “We don’t know who these people think they are trying to disrupt our way of life, but I vow to put a stop to it,” declared Conservative Party Minister Sir Burnstead Trillbog Pipps last Thursday at Kippy’s Fish ‘N’ Chips Stand in Leicester.

According to Sir Pipps, outlawing tobacco machines isn’t going far enough to ensure the safety of minors. “I am moving for legislation to ban parents as well. It appears to me as if  these people have had too many opportunities already to damage the minds of our youth.”

Labour Party Minister Landrau Cribbins-Mite looks at the situation with a more economic perspective. Explains the Minister, “We’re hurting for jobs right now, and this machine ban will certainly boost the job market in the fake I.D. industry, which has been floundering, but this stimulus toward moving illegal transactions back to newsstands and so-called “convenience marts” is proof that with a little advance planning, government can address the problems of the people and actually create job markets where feasible. Perhaps you Yanks should take up the example.”

The Smattering Boar Pub owner Seamus Nobtater is unconvinced. “English Pubs have always held firm in the strict adherence to the 1942 “Ignore the Law ” Act . I believe you Americans have a similar national policy called What Happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. If a wee tot wants to drag on a fag while downing a pint, it ain’t my business,” he says.

Outraged ACLU advocate Hy Azzakyte vows to investigate the situation across the Atlantic. “I’ll be damned if I’ll sit silently and allow any British child to drag around anyone based on their sexual preference,” he exclaimed. “Who do those people think they are making up their own rules in their own country? It’s entirely Un-American!”

CHINA INITIATES MOO SHU SPACE RACE

Posted in humor, news, news parody, political humor, politics, science with tags , , , , , , , , on September 30, 2011 by chandlerswainreviews

by Varan Tremulus, Swain News Service

The Chinese have initiated what is seen by many to be the first indication of free enterprise in space. The Communist ruled nation has startled the world by launching what is feared will become the first of many take-out restaurants in orbit around the Earth.

From the Jiuquan Satellite Launch Centre, in the Gansu Province, in the middle of the Gobi Desert, six blocks from the Fat Fo Funn miniature golf center, China launched the Tiangong 1, the first orbital module in the nation’s sweeping plan to nail down dominance in the orbiting strip mall market, with the ultimate goal of being the first to reach the moon by the year 2020.

China launches the Tiangong-1: many speculators feel will be the model for orbital take-out restaurants that will set up a strategic "Kung Pao Chicken Gap" in space.

“Don’t say anything,” snickers NASA spokeperson Buzz “Jacko” Strongjaw. “When we landed there in 1969, they didn’t have many televisions over there, so I don’t think they know we’ve already been there. So mum’s the word. It’ll just be our private joke.”

The White House was less amused. “President Obama is not going to sit around and watch the Chinese beat us to the Moon. The space race is back on,” vowed White House spokesperson Myah Opiah. When advised that America had already reached the moon, Ophiah was unfazed. “Then our work here is done, ” she declared. “Another triumph of unprecedented leadership from the Obama administration.”

Sources at the CIA and NSA are worried about the timing of the launch. “It’s no coincidence it’s happening now,” says intelligence insider Name Withheld, “you just watch. Once we abandon the International Space Station you just know those Commies are going to t.p. the place. It’ll set us back years.”

Speculation is rampant that NASA will partner with P.F. Chang’s to formulate a competitive program to present to the White House next week.

Jackson Nose Up in the Air

Posted in humor, news, news parody with tags , , , , , , , , on September 30, 2011 by chandlerswainreviews

by Jaspar Apismo, Swain News Service

As the fourth day of the involuntary manslaughter trial against Michael Jackson’s personal physician Dr. Conrad Murray begins, the media of the world has descended on the “City of Angels” with a ferocity not seen since Sarah Palin last announced that she would not announce any decision about deciding on whether to announce her decision not to decide on anything until further notice.

THE NOSE IN QUESTION: Could it put a new face on the trial?

Despite the respectful Mardi Gras atmosphere outside the courthouse, speculation is on the rise on the streets of Los Angeles,  reaching epic proportions, centered about a surprise witness who may be called in by either the prosecution, the defense, or Geraldo Rivera killing on-air time: Michael Jackson’s former nose.

“Who knows what the nose knows, but it could blow the case wide open,” says trial analyst for Shameless  Hype Investigative Television, Fosdick Pettyman.

Details are uncertain as to what testimony valuable to the case might be extracted from the nose since it seems to have parted ways from the pop icon sometime back in the 1990’s. Extra host Mario Lopez is also uncertain about any aspect of this or any other case but is simply happy to have a paying job.

“There’s a whirlwind of speculation that the nose may may be subpoenaed,” says Fox Channel legal analyst Flaxen Bronzethigh. “But given the tenuous circumstances of their past association, it’s simply unknown whether the nose would run or obey the court order.”