Are Damages to Monument Kosher?

Posted in humor, news, news parody, Obamarama, political humor, political satire, politics, religion, satire with tags , , , , , , , , on October 10, 2011 by chandlerswainreviews

by Hadley Snipes Prawley, Swain News Service

Palestinian leaders at the U.N. cried “foul” this morning during a session of the General Assembly, accusing the United States of conceding to “outrageous Zionist demands”. Condemnations were specifically targeted at the Obama administration in what were labeled “acts of bad faith unbecoming of a Western infidel” in the Administration’s stated Middle East policy of “knock it off and get over yourselves.”

Peeking over the untamed brush is America's "staggering symbol of potency", a source of recent heated diplomatic controversy.

According to the Palestinian statement, the delegation accuses the administration of a blatant gesture of “unfair and unbalanced solidarity” with Israel, using one of “America’s most staggering symbols of potency” as a figurehead of this “alliance of heathens”, in a clear indication that all of the better global insults have been used up since President George W. Bush’s “Axis of Evil” remark in his 2002 State of the Union Address.

The reference is to the Washington Monument in Washington D.C., and the incidental damage caused to it by a 5.8 earthquake on August 23rd of this year. The monument has been closed since the event due to structural instabilities and the fact that since being referred to by a captured Bin Laden memorandum as “the Great Satan’s phallus”, tourist groups have been unable to approach the monument without giggling.

The accusations of undue political influence stem from what the Palestinian statement refers to as “the alleged damage to this great wavering priapism” , the full text of which will be reprinted in an upcoming issue of Penthouse Forum. Witnesses at the scene note that there has been a great deal of “maintenance” activity about the monument and it is the specific nature of this activity that fuels Palestinian suspicions. Observers say that the reported “need for repairs” may indeed be a cover for a more clandestine activity, or at least as clandestine as you can manage being in full view of every tourist camera within a four mile radius.

HOLY MOSES!: Is the Washington Monument simply undergoing repairs or become one of The Chosen People?

But what exactly is the nature of the activity that concerns these representatives of the Middle East? “It’s very clear to us,” say Abal Abdul Goiter, a spokesperson for the political group Jihad For Jesus, “that the American monument of decadence is going kosher. If you look at the photographs, you can see the forestone being removed!”

“Nonsense,” claims Crendall “Yogi” Twickens, assistant associate to the associate assistant of deputy director of subordinate associate assistants for the Department of Parks, National Monuments and Pic-a-nic Baskets. “I hope you’re not seriously suggesting that a bris is being performed on the Washington Monument? Do you realize the paperwork that would involve? And an operation of this magnitude would require a large team of Mohels. Where would we get them?”

For the uninitiated, a bris is an ancient Hebrew ritual circumcision first popularized on a 1993 episode of the “Seinfeld” TV series. And rumors have been circulating around Washington for the past several minutes that the Pentagon has expanded the training of Navy SEALS to include surgical strike precision tactics using Mohel techniques, leading some in D.C. to speculate an operation of this type could be implemented by U.S. military forces in a time of national emergency.

“Size matters,” says Army envoy Capt. Donovan Doantell. ” The American people should be aware that we are better prepared, with a bigger striking force, with a lot more staying power, that will stay on top of the job until we finish it to our satisfaction,” he emphasized. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I need a smoke.”

Sources from the Congressional Oversight group Congressional Oversight Group indicate that there is little interest on The Hill in taking suggestions of overt influence peddling from Israel seriously, although Barney Frank’s office indicates that the Massachusetts Congressman is willing to make a personal “after hours” investigation of alleged circumsized gigantism.

Conservative Republicans, however, are expressing concern that the very concept of an “altered” monument could have serious consequences. “It’s a matter of moral values,” says Hannibal Straitnarrow, author of the Conservative tome “Righteousness for Dummies”, “at this point, I see no alternative but to cover the monument with a brown paper bag.”

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In The News: U.S. Prez Rating Dips

Posted in humor, news, news parody, Obamarama, political humor, political satire, politics with tags , , , , , , , , , , on October 9, 2011 by chandlerswainreviews

by Krebus Toppel, D.C. Office- Swain News Service

The motto around the Nation’s Capitol these days may very well be “When It Rains It Pours”. In an announcement eerily reminiscent of the historic S & P downgrading of the American credit rating from AAA to AA, the Glum Institute in Stockholm has downgraded the Presidency of the United States from a perfect 5 to a lesser 4 rating, lowering the International Leadership Index Standard of Barack Obama from “Presidential” to “White House Resident”.

THE INCREDIBLE SHRINKING PRESIDENT: If the President continues to diminish in world stature, will he soon be traveling to Europe in Handbag One?

“This came as a complete surprise to the President as soon as we inform him,” said White House spokesperson Myah Opiah in an impromptu press meeting at Ben’s Chili Bowl, a favorite hangout of the President when introducing foreign leaders to the health foods of America. “I can assure you that the President is hard at work, focused on the immediate concerns of this nation,” she said exiting swiftly with four bags of half-smokes, fries and a tureen of chili.

“I want to assure the nation that this unprecedented announcement will not deter me from the task at hand,”  announced the President several hours later on a memo partially obscured by a chili stain. “I have every intention in this historic time unprecedented in history to blame the Congress who must be forced to do the will of the People. The People who elected them. And the People who will kick them out of office. Not me. Them. I cannot stress the historic importance of this enough. Have I mentioned that this is unprecedented?”

“I really couldn’t have said it better myself,” said Vice-President Joe Biden, looking interestedly at the memo. “And by the way,” he inquired, “where’d you get the chili?”

After hearing the news of his rating reduction , President Obama maintains a cool composure and continues the diligent task of watching out for enemy paratroopers dropping from the sky and infiltrating D.C. recreational areas.

“It’s not apparent, for the moment, what effect this may have on our relationship with foreign governments, especially those in other countries,” read a statement from Massachusetts Congressman Barney Frank’s office. “But you can bet we’ll be able to negotiate our way around the situation, especially if they don’t hear about it.”

“I’m not certain this is any big deal at all,” countered Capitol Hill analyst Ivan Gottplenty. “It’s only a one point dip. Two points would be more serious. That’s ‘Commanding Tenant-at-Will’. A three point dip would be near catastophic. That’s designated as ‘Vagrant-In-Chief’.”

That would place President Obama at a 2 Rating on the scale. But what about the lowest. What about a 1 rating?

Gottplenty shivered even at the prospect and spoke softly as if he didn’t want to be heard. “It’s bad,” he said, “really bad. It’s the kind of thing anyone in Washington would sell their soul to avoid. It’s horrible. It’s monstrous. It’s a terror unlike any other!” He swallowed painfully and then continued. “The 1 rating mean… it means…it means…” He could barely speak but through tears and terrified clenched teeth, but before falling into a dead faint, uttered the words: ‘private U.S. citizen’!”

Republicans & Democrats Unite to Outsource Obama

Posted in humor, news, news parody, Obamarama, political humor, politics with tags , , , , , , , , , , on October 7, 2011 by chandlerswainreviews

by Krebus Toppel, Swain News Service

In Washington D.C., when discussing “boots” it is always wise to make certain you are equipped with footwear appropriate to the task. During yesterday morning’s White House press conference, President Barack Obama vowed that if his Jobs Bill wasn’t passed by Congress, they would be “booted out of town.” Surprisingly, members of Congress didn’t take the challenge laying down and in a stunning display of bipartisan unity, the usually fractious Democrats and Republicans reached across the aisle to support the filing of legislation to outsource the Presidency.

“Bottom line, we’re all sick of the guy,” said Congressional Cocoa Caucus leader Melvin Gabsbottom. “I don’t know why he’s so angry with all of us. None of us here on The Hill have done anything.”

WHO'S WHO IN GETTING THE BOOT?: If the White House is outsourced to Mumbai, will President Obama become President "Hi, My Name Is Steve"?

“We’re in a crisis mode right now,” remarked long-time Congressional assistant Jerry Meander, “and we certainly don’t need to be picked on, what with all of the arrangements to be made for the Columbus Day Weekend holidays, Thanksgiving  preparations, not to mention buying Halloween candy and, my God, do you realize the Christmas holidays are right around the corner?”

The proposed bill would retain the Constitutionally imperative Executive Branch office of the Presidency, but outsource it to a location in India, where it has been reported by the Congressional Super Committee that considerable budgetary savings could be found by buying “local” and doing the Presidential laundry on a rock.

Capitol scuttlebutt is that the location chosen was an intentionally strategic one, putting the displaced President on the other side of the Globe, where, as one unnamed former House Speaker said, “whenever that man wants to hold a childish media circus, instead of rudely interrupting Kim Kardashian’s visit with Hoda on “The Today Show”, he’ll be twelve time zones and in the middle of my night’s sleep away.”

Word from the Senate is that there is an almost unanimous consensus to form an exploratory committee to study the possibility of considering the House proposal, if time permits, sometime in the direct or indirect future.

One Senate figure who is rallying around the idea is none other than Vice-President Joe Biden himself. “I think this is a swell idea,” he said, “and I fully support any effort to make the Redskins a stronger team on the offensive line, especially if we can gain a couple of decent draft picks.”

Burning Flags Burns Impolite Radicals

Posted in humor, news, news parody, political humor, politics with tags , , , , , , , , on October 7, 2011 by chandlerswainreviews

by Alden Branch, Swain News Service

In a bold move of  industrialization that can only advance the American business reputation for originality and adaptability, the major manufacturers of American Flags and Banners have joined forces to increase shipments of America’s Stars and Stripes to nations hostile to our international policies.

Suckers!: American businesses have turned a national insult by impolite dissidents, fundamentalist radicals and college grads avoiding work into a lucrative American Free Enterprise bonanza.

“There is no doubt,” says Jeremiah Wixton Plank, director of the Federation of American Flagwavers, “that the world despises us and for good reason. After all, we have spent the better part of a century fighting oppression, healing the ill, feeding the poor and taking from our own mouths to help others. It’s like being a doting parent and dealing with a roomful of bratty, spoiled children. So like all good children, the rest of the world is waiting for us to die so they can inherit our money and buy a fancy car and cheap women. But,” he adds, ” it’s the smart parent who knows how to make this ingratitude work for them.”

Plank’s plan is very simple. “It’s Economics 101,” he explains. ” The fundamental laws of supply and demand. The only problem with our economy is that we’ve forgotten the basics and only attend to the perks. Since there are so many disgruntled nations that are filled with dissidents who spend full-time careers burning our flag, why not supply them ourselves? After all, who manufactures a better American flag than Americans? And why should someone else make a profit off of our national symbol? “That,” he reminds everyone, “would be simply Un-American!”

Plank may be right. By the latest count from the Bureau of Arcane Statistics and Unmatched Socks, on any given day there are approximately twelve thousand anti-American demonstrations around the world, with a good 18% of them occurring outside the state of California. The need for burnable symbols of the United States is immediate and highly prized.

“On the streets, they’re as valuable as heroin. And when it comes to manufacturing disposable items with high flammability content, no one has a prouder history than America,” declares Habersham Mountebank, President of Denver, Colorado’s Flags R Fun Inc., and a Board member of the North American Association of Manufacturers, Tradesmen and Carpetbaggers. “We can say with pride that when those angry beggars burn our flags, that’s American craftmanship they’re enjoying. None of that crayons on a bed sheet manufacturing you get from your lower end radicals who have no sense of pride in what they destroy. Our flags are strong and colorful. A source of pride to use, bringing real prestige to any group who wishes to ignite them. And at $149.95 a pop, it’s good business.”

This appears to be a rather callous business endeavor, but Mr. Mountebank gives all assurances that a great deal of thought has gone into this enterprise. “Oh yes,” he explains, “you see, there are innumerable regulations and standards for flags manufactured for normal domestic usage. But for these specially exported products, well that’s an entirely different ball game. For instance, not every flag is right for every radical and we have a wide variety. We have flags made from rejected, contaminated cotton fibers laced with asbestos that emit a noxious cloud of particles when burned. Then there’s our Speedo model, in which the fibers are made on a domestically unapproved petroleum based fiber that flashes up instantly like a matchstick. So fast, the radicals can’t even snap a decent picture of their demonstration. Really pisses the hell out of them. And then, of course, there’s our industrial strength fire-resistant Colossus Flag which is you’re flag variation on the old trick birthday candle novelty, only this one keeps self-extinguishing. Drives the dissidents nuts.”

Then it appears that while, on the surface, the “Burn Baby Burn” initiative, as it is known in the trade, is merely a commercial enterprise aimed at profit at the expense of national pride, it actually is an initiative creating a healthy business climate in dangerously troubling economic times, creating jobs, and infuriating the radically inclined consumer with a product designed to poke a finger back in their eyes.”

“You have to understand something,” continues Mr. Mountebank, “Americans are known for their sense of humor. We love a good prank. And too bad if they can’t take a joke. They can’t exactly return a defective burned flag to the place of purchase for a refund, they already burnt it up! It only makes the radicals madder, so what do they do? They buy more of our flags! It’s a self- perpetuating industry!”

In The News: Obama Bores Self

Posted in humor, news, news parody, Obamarama, political humor, politics with tags , , , , , , , , , , on October 6, 2011 by chandlerswainreviews

by Kreebus Toppel, Swain News Service

The Prez takes a short nap during his morning "Blame For Jobs" news conference.

In a bracing act of candor, President Barack Obama actually put himself to sleep while holding this morning’s White House press conference concerning his Jobs Bill.

Pulling out the Washington D.C. Metro area phone book and reading off the names of all who he feels are to blame for the stalled passage of the still-secret employment plan, the President had reached the the letter H in the directory before showing signs of boredom, closed his eyes and fell unconscious for several minutes.

“He was very Presidential, ” admired NBC news correspondent Halibut Finesse, “he didn’t even fall over or slump the podium. He maintained a very erect posture and started snoring lightly.”

“Oh he was so cute,” commented veteran CNN correspondent Betsy Sturgeon. “And when that little bit of drool came from the corner of his mouth, he reminded us all of Joe Biden. It was adorable.”

Fox News correspondent Stoney Grimshark had a different perspective: “Why aren’t we talking about Rick Perry?”

When reached for comment, Vice President Biden asked, “Are you bringing up that Obama fella again, whoever he is?”

Christie Makes Heavyweight Announcement

Posted in humor, news, news parody, political humor, politics with tags , , , , , , , , , , on October 6, 2011 by chandlerswainreviews

by Miller Welp, Swain News Service

New Jersey Republican Governor Chris Christie stunned the nation yesterday, barely hours after announcing his decision not to run for President in the upcoming 2012 election, by announcing that he is not announcing any more decisions.

"I WANT IT ALL!": exclaimed NJ Guv Chris Christie as he approached the desert table at a Country Kitchen Buffet in Asbury Park yesterday.

The announcement, formerly made while attending the inaugural lunch at a new Country Kitchen Buffet in Asbury Park, NJ, caused tremors to erupt in several news agencies as there was now a question as to what speculation the networks would have to work into an artificial lather to replace the broadcast time normally filled with speculation about Christie who is no longer speculating on a possible Presidential run.

“This is going to play havoc with the political talking heads,” warned MSNBC exec Libby Butchman. “Up until now they’ve had a good run, but because of this they might have to study up on some issues. Just like a damn Republican to insensitively think only of themselves.”

Fox News writer Ava Limpkiss feels the situation could make the speculation game even more promising. She speculates: “Just think, with Christie announcing no new announcement, and Palin rumored to be stepping aside, there’s an exciting possibility of a Christie-Palin ticket leading the way in a non-running election arena!”

In the meantime, Governor Christie has not commented on his promise to not comment further.

Sara Lee could not be reached for comment.

Does Brains Kill Booze Cells?

Posted in education, humor, news, news parody, Obamarama, political humor, politics with tags , , , , , , , , , on October 6, 2011 by chandlerswainreviews

by Phoebus Mink, Swain News Service

ALL TOGETHER NOW: The Prez and the First Lady demonstrate that in the Obama administration it "takes a village to read a book."

   In a report that is flummoxing the academic world and sending the liquor industry into a tailspin, The Snootermus Forum, an academic think tank that has been an adviser on educational matters to six Presidents and the Dave Clark Five, has announced a dramatic decrease of reckless university level partying and a pronounced increase of collegiate level “binge learning”.

Jose Ortega del de Cortozone, the Cancun Chamber of Commerce director in charge of Spring Break Topless Podcasts and Drunken Deflowerings, is quick to push the panic button. “If this is true that university students are turning their backs on the long cherished tradition of Spin the STD, I have no idea how our economy will sustain itself through these harsh economic times,” he says. “What are we to do with all of those Mojito flavored ointments, cheap sunglasses and condom factory seconds we import from our trade agreements from China?”

    Neelon Bendover, assistant to the Undersecretary of  Lowerclassmen  Collegiate  Timekilling in the Department of Education feels the current trend toward studious behavior is a cyclical aberration. “There seem to be a small number of students who are cracking the books,” he explains. “What they don’t seem to understand is the changing economic market which will make such focused academic studies a detriment to their future in the job market. After all, what place will they have in a company who expects little of their personnel as to not upset the status quo? It’s not like we actually produce anything in this country anymore.  I think these kids are in for a rude awakening.”

    Washington economist Almodovar Hensdale-Spittoon is more blunt in his forecast. ” Divorce, adultery, addictions and general irresponsible antisocial behavior are on the rise in our modern adult lifestyle, and if these kids continue to study diligently and refuse the valuable life experience of reckless sexuality, drinking and carousing, they will never be prepared to make their own contributions to society as we know it.”

    Hensdale-Spittoon’s alarmist attitude may be well founded, as it has been reported that several favorite Cancun Spring Break resorts are already booked for next year’s vacation period by a conference of library science study groups from both Nebraska State and St. Chastity’s of the Confused Gender Seminary College.