Archive for the science Category

Consumer Warning: Recalled Leaf Blowers May Lead to Inconvenient Rips in Space

Posted in humor, news, news parody, Obamarama, political humor, political satire, politics, satire, science with tags , , , , , , , , , on October 12, 2011 by chandlerswainreviews

by Jaspar Apismo, Swain News Service

The Federal Department of Garden Implements and Consumer Grumbling has issued a consumer warning that the Wormhole 6000 Coal Fueled Leaf Blower from Bent & Mangle Industries has been recalled due to safety issues detected in product testing at the independent laboratories of Gotcha, Sezyoo & Associates in Lost Fingers, Nevada.

Testing of the Wormhole 6000 Leaf Blower led the Fed to call for a temporary recall until it could be determined if suspected "tearing of the atmosphere" could be harmful to children under the age of 6. (Click photo to play test footage.)

“The blower was just too powerful,” said testing technician Homer Browridge. “Most equivalent equipment averages out about 120 to 240 Miles Per Hour of blowing power, but the Wormhole 6000 produced a force of over 1800 MPH. Needless to say, it might not be recommended around your more fragile perennials.”

“There’s an indication, just the tiniest, teeniest hint that the fabric of the universe could be imploded by one of these blowers, so we implemented a temporary recall just as a precaution,” admits FDGICG spokesperson Alicia Washhands. “On the plus side, it seems to really stimulate lawn growth.”

The manufacturer, the South Boston-based Bent & Mangle Industries had recently received a $537 million research subsidy from the Obama Administration for the development of “green technology” tongue depressors, but with this latest setback and the fact that the company has suspiciously abandoned it’s mail-box drop nor has anyone responded to messages on it’s answering machine, the funding may possibly encounter increased scrutiny by Congress.

Ms. Washhand admits there has been an increasing struggle for American manufacturers to compete with foreign markets on increasingly complex leaf removal technology.

“I’m not certain what has happened to American initiative in this case,” she said, “the innovations have always come from American engineers. We were the first to initiate standard operational features such as insulated cording, illegal alien operators and power throttles, but the manufacturing seems to be cheaper overseas.”

Though movement in the field of American lawn blowing technology may seem to have taken a hit with the recall of the Wormhole 6000, there may be a light at the end of the tunnel, at it comes from a most unlikely source. It seems before his untimely death, Steve Jobs was working on such a product that would revolutionize the field.

JOBS HAS DONE IT AGAIN!: A Huffing Tongue Post Exclusive- a first peek at the innovative design of a new generation of leaf blowers.

Says industry watchdog Morris Hempfilter, editor of the trade journal “Hoes Prose”, “there had been rumors for years about a secret project which would turn the landscaping world on it’s ear, and I’ve had the honor of actually seeing a prototype that has already been assembled. I guarantee you, after a period of testing, we’ll see a final expression of innovative genius that will change our world forever.”

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CHINA INITIATES MOO SHU SPACE RACE

Posted in humor, news, news parody, political humor, politics, science with tags , , , , , , , , on September 30, 2011 by chandlerswainreviews

by Varan Tremulus, Swain News Service

The Chinese have initiated what is seen by many to be the first indication of free enterprise in space. The Communist ruled nation has startled the world by launching what is feared will become the first of many take-out restaurants in orbit around the Earth.

From the Jiuquan Satellite Launch Centre, in the Gansu Province, in the middle of the Gobi Desert, six blocks from the Fat Fo Funn miniature golf center, China launched the Tiangong 1, the first orbital module in the nation’s sweeping plan to nail down dominance in the orbiting strip mall market, with the ultimate goal of being the first to reach the moon by the year 2020.

China launches the Tiangong-1: many speculators feel will be the model for orbital take-out restaurants that will set up a strategic "Kung Pao Chicken Gap" in space.

“Don’t say anything,” snickers NASA spokeperson Buzz “Jacko” Strongjaw. “When we landed there in 1969, they didn’t have many televisions over there, so I don’t think they know we’ve already been there. So mum’s the word. It’ll just be our private joke.”

The White House was less amused. “President Obama is not going to sit around and watch the Chinese beat us to the Moon. The space race is back on,” vowed White House spokesperson Myah Opiah. When advised that America had already reached the moon, Ophiah was unfazed. “Then our work here is done, ” she declared. “Another triumph of unprecedented leadership from the Obama administration.”

Sources at the CIA and NSA are worried about the timing of the launch. “It’s no coincidence it’s happening now,” says intelligence insider Name Withheld, “you just watch. Once we abandon the International Space Station you just know those Commies are going to t.p. the place. It’ll set us back years.”

Speculation is rampant that NASA will partner with P.F. Chang’s to formulate a competitive program to present to the White House next week.