Archive for the political humor Category

News in Briefs: Ron Paul Announces: I Would Not Vote For Me

Posted in humor, news, news parody, political humor, satire with tags , , , , on November 8, 2011 by chandlerswainreviews

by Krebus Toppel, D.C. Desk-Swain News Service

NO PEST GRIP: Ron Paul demonstrates the Vulcan death pinch he uses to keep "pesky Republicans" at a distance.

Republican presidential hopeful Ron Paul announced yesterday that he will not support any candidate chosen to be the GOP nominee for the White House in 2012. Citing loyalty with the differing political philosophies of his contributors and supporters versus the rest of the Republican field, Paul went so far to suggest that he won’t support anyone for the Presidency.

“Congressman Paul has made it very clear that at this particular time, there is no qualified candidate to run the country,” said Paul spokesperson Clu Lesser. “As a matter of fact,” he continued, “I have it on good authority that the Congressman advises against voting for him as well.”

“I’ve heard rumors to that effect,” says Paul campaign coordinator Exeter Gravyboat. “Dr. Paul is a firm believer in smaller government and you can’t get much smaller than not electing someone.”

“It’s a fascinating concept,” said Dr.Crainius Kingspittle, Dean of the School of Proportionately Superior Thinking and Chest Thumping at Harvard University. “Choosing ‘no choice’ for the White House is certainly a choice. Not the choice I would choose but a choice to choose nonetheless. But in choosing that choice, is the choice a smart choice? After all, who would officiate at the annual Thanksgiving turkey pardon or sleep with the First Lady?”

Whatever the final outcome, it’s certain to be an interesting election season with campaign signs already littering front yards in New Hampshire, featuring a glowering photo of Congressman Paul with the caption: “Don’t Vote For Ron Paul- Ron Paul Wouldn’t!”

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News in Briefs: Biden to Greece: Let Them Eat Feta

Posted in humor, news, news parody, political humor, political satire with tags , , , , on November 7, 2011 by chandlerswainreviews

by Krebus Toppel, D.C. Desk-Swain News Service

OUR MAN JOE: Appearing at the University of Pittsburgh on Friday, Veep Joe Biden educates the students by bringing his world globe to point out "countries and the big wet places where fish swim."

In a typically open display of political candor, Vice President Joe Biden, while speaking to a group at the University of Pittsburgh on Friday, referred to the Greek people as “peppy folk like that Zorba fella” and suggested that if Greece is facing grave financial times then “perhaps they ought to go ask help from that Travolta actor. After all, he was in the movie version and probably made a few bucks. Him and that Aussie singer Olivia Elton-John.”

The Vice-President said that he was sorry he didn’t get to attend the week’s meeting of Economic World Leaders in Cannes, France especially since he too “likes the glamorous moving pictures. Especially the ones with Spanky and that crazy Alfalfa. He’s a hoot.”

When asked if he had any updates on the week’s G-20, the Vice-President excitedly announced: “Bingo!”

HELP WANTED: Person to Repel Imperialist Dogs

Posted in humor, news, news parody, political humor, satire with tags , , , , on October 29, 2011 by chandlerswainreviews

by Alden Branch, Swain News Service

In the midst of the economic crisis facing this country and the stalemate in Congress over President Obama’s fractured Jobs Bill, it would seem unusual to admit that domestic policies are having long-term effects on foreign joblessness, but that’s exactly what’s happening to Middle Eastern terrorist organizations of late. It seems that the recent deaths of several top operatives including Osama Bin-Laden, have left career positions open that few are eager to fill.

“It’s a growing problem,” admits Lattimer Spinebend, Director of Monstrous.com, a world-wide employment agency. “Today’s youth are looking for expansive career opportunities with growth potential, and a fatality rate just gets in the way of a good vacation schedule. And while the promise of 72 Vestal Virgins is an employment inducement, it doesn’t hold a candle to a good dental plan.”

NO LONGER A 10?: Ever since the untimely drone dispersal of sneery mastermind Derekderek Bo-Derek, the Middle East market has turned soft when looking for qualified terror leaders with a photogenic grimace.

Right now, the personnel ranks for such companies as Saudi Arabian-based Al-Queda Ltd. LLC (listed on NASDAQ as GRRR) are overburdened with internships and middle management but the executive class has thinned to all-time low levels. Says Undisclosed Shadowy Source, “If something isn’t done soon to implement a strategic restructuring of the corporation, I don’t see us surviving past  more than another thirty or forty fierce Anti-American taunts and  tongue lashings.”

The lack of a cohesive leadership has had many effects beyond the organizational; funding has recently been in short supply. “We have tried many fundraisers to generate revenue,” says Fiesel Fiesel Ted-Geisel of ShootBulletsInTheAir.com, “but, you know, it’s a bad economy and all. We really took a bath on those ‘I Love Gaddafi’ bumper stickers.”

Fortunately, as with many desert tales, the cavalry has come to save the day, or in this case, the U.S. dollar. It seems that foreign terrorist organizations have applied to the U.S. government for DOE green technology loans and in several cases these applications have been approved.

Says Ramid El-Fasid Kabong of the Syrian underground dating group Meet Your Martyr, “This will be a great help in our fighting the Great Satan and paying our back cable bill.”

“We have received  inquiries from Congressional leaders about this,” admits Department of Energy spokesperson Abel Diffeuse, “and as far as I have been able to detect, all of the paperwork is in order. For instance, this application from the Detach The Head of American Infidel Hidden Cell Collective proposes plans for new explosive sources of energy that are not dependent on foreign oil sources. This is just the kind of thing we are looking for, energy efficiency that’s identified as American!”

Recently the DOE has been under scrutiny for several questionable loans given out, including one for the development of the Fisker automobile, which was intended to create jobs in America and cars for privileged Americans, and though the $529 million loan has, in fact, produced a car for Leonardo DiCaprio,  some dissatisfied Republicans are grousing that the company has moved it’s design and production facilities to the European Detroit: Finland.

“We won’t have that problem with this group,” promises Diffeuse, “as they claim they are ready to move their Hidden Cells onto our shores as we speak.”

NEWSFLASH: Gaddafi Burial Details Revealed

Posted in humor, news, news parody, political humor, satire with tags , , , , on October 27, 2011 by chandlerswainreviews

by Jaspar Apismo,  Swain News Service


TAKING THE FINAL PLUNGE: "It appears someone goofed," said Libyan observer Noodel Al-Ramen, "the burial called for a sandy place but someone must have thought they said 'go to the sandbox'".

Days after the accidental beating and shooting death of Libyan dictator Muammar Gaddafi, The Hufffing Tongue Post has received access to exclusive footage of what is believed to be his supposedly secret burial . Witnessed by only a few unnamed persons and his cat Minxy, Gaddafi was buried under strict Libyan Rebel rules befitting rulers who “live a peaceful life, honor thy women by wearing thy clothing and scattering thy seed unto the fold in prelude to screaming, killing, torturing and maiming.”

Exclusive footage of the presumed burial obtained from unnamed sources was too shaky to provide a clear image and so the film was sent to one of the most respected digital effects houses in Hollywood, where it was recreated at no small expense using the latest in CGI technology as well as featuring noted stunt cat “Halibut” who was previously seen in the motion pictures “The King’s Speech”, “Million Dollar Baby” and “Critters 3”. During the recreation production, agents from the ASPCA were present to ensure that no animals were harmed in the making of the footage. Sensitive viewers are to be advised that the footage is extremely graphic.

Biden Accusing Teachers of Rape, Murder?

Posted in education, humor, news parody, political humor with tags , , , , on October 22, 2011 by chandlerswainreviews

by Phoebus Mink, Swain News Service

This week, Vice President Joe Biden boldly announced that if President Obama’s pared-down $35 billion Jobs Stimulus package, geared specifically toward teachers and first responders, were not passed, it would mean a widespread increase in violent crimes including rapes, murders and the Kennedys being unleashed on the highways after Happy Hour.

DON'T ASK, DON'T TALK: Veep Joe Biden demonstrates the Obama Administration's new "Bend Over and Assume the Position" position in paying off the nation's teachers to refrain from further violent antisocial activity.

Clearly, with this announcement, the Administration reveals it’s view of America’s education class as a dim one, with the suggestion that if the nation’s teachers are not kept off the streets, they will retaliate with a widespread epidemic of  violence, smoking outside of the Teacher’s Lounge and in the case of a third grade class in Wetpants, Nebraska, falsifying students’ “permanent records which will follow them around for the rest of their lives.”

Discarding their usual message of “Hope”, the Obama Administration seems to be gearing toward a bolder message of “Cringe” that they feel will engage an increasingly disconsolate voting public. While making his dire crime predictions, the Vice President also shocked the attending press by announcing the probable lengthening of cold and flu season, the continuation of the NBA strike and the continued production of “The Apprentice” unless Congress passes the controversial bill.

ECONOMY IN THE SIDE POCKET: The Obama Administration puts new spin on the phrase "dropping the ball", but in their attempts to stimulate job growth with further government stimulus, will all "signs point to yes"?

Rumors around the Nation’s Capitol have been rampant as to what, outside of the threat of joining the Nation’s unemployed, could be fueling this shift in White House optimism; with speculation there is a new source of economic advisement consulted by the administration, but Biden’s responses to the press after his announcement contained no clues as his comments were limited to “My reply is no”, “Reply Hazy, Try Again” and “Concentrate and ask again”.

Some G.O.P Presidential hopefuls are seizing upon this philosophical shift to attack the President on the grounds of “you’ve got the job and I want it.”

From Texas Governor Rick Perry’s campaign headquarters came this message: “The Governor wants it known that he is totally opposed to the views of those who are opposite his viewpoint in what would otherwise be an agreement of views.”

“I think the statement speaks for itself,” said Perry Campaign Coordinator Olive Singleton-Pitt. “The Governor will release an appropriate response as soon as either Cain or Romney say something that makes them look foolish.””

Former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney’s reaction to the latest White House reversal was more specific and full of anger. “Listen,” he said, “I only have one wife and have never considered being a Mormon crazy!”

In the meantime, this week, Vice President Joe Biden is scheduled to speak in Baltimore, in front of a national conglomeration of law enforcement officers, warning of the dangers of stray hall monitors and guidance counselors.

“The sky may not be falling just yet,” advises White House spokesperson Myah Opiah, “but before it does, you can bet the Vice President will be out there sounding the alarm.”

It’s Official! The French Admit: “We are Annoying”

Posted in humor, news, news parody, political humor, political satire, politics, satire with tags , , , , , , , , , on October 13, 2011 by chandlerswainreviews

by Radley Eckstine- Paris Bureau, Swain News Service

Just walk the streets of Paris and you can sense there is something very different in the air. If you can see through the haze of cigarette smoke hovering over the sidewalk cafes on the Rue de la Grossierete Eternelle, there is an unfamiliar blank stare of malaise which has replaced the more familiar and beloved open sneer of contempt the people of the City of Light are famous for.

Jacques Bidet-Cruller, renowned social anthropologist and pinceur derriere, puts his doigt on the problem. “The lack of a  lack of passion for living is missing. It has been replaced by a palpable absence of lack of lack of passion. I was sitting at Cafe de boutons de manchette Yves Montand, and an American tourist couple walked by to ask directions, and there was not one single single snort of derision to come from the patrons. My world was upended! I wanted to cry.”

“A national identity is how a nation identifies itself nationally, and without this sense of national self, we’ll all be forced to carry photo I.D.s to identify ourselves to a nation struggling for it’s own identity on a national level.” So said an unidentified speaker who claimed to be French President Nicholas Sarkozy at a recent Paris conference of M.E.R.D.E., a national consortium of French intellectuals whose keynote address touched upon a national controversy which has been sweeping the country since last Thursday: “What does it mean to be French?”

ARE THE FRENCH FRIED?: Has the effort of annoying the world been too much for the French who may see their Reign of Taunting at an end?

This sudden and severe national identity crisis seems to have paralyzed the entire nation and  has been publicly emphasized with the publication of the latest edition of  Dictionnaire Francaises in which there was an alteration that stunned an already reeling nation. For centuries, under the word French, the definition has traditionally been listed as the following:

adj. 1. Of relating to, or characteristic of France and it’s people or culture. 2. Of relating to the French language. 3. Of a cumulative rudeness of a high level. 4. Of a selective genetic contemptuousness; being of superior attitude without cause.  n. 1. The Romance language of France. 2. (used with a pl. verb) The people of France.

However, in the controversial new edition, the definition has been updated and now reads as follows:

n. 1. French, Giles (alternately Mr. French) name of character popularized by British actor Sebastian Cabot on the American TV program “Family Affair”. 2. Group of people who Victor Hugo used to write about.. 3. Those who surrender. 4. A yellow mustard.

To add insult to injury, the listing is accompanied by a photo of Sebastian Cabot in his popular television role as the unflappable “gentleman’s gentleman”.

“It’s an outrage,” exclaimed French Minister of Cultural Superiority Jacques Bidet- Moret. “To think that an entire people is subordinate to a television character. I can attest to the fact that many of my fellow countrymen are entirely non-fictional!”

IT TAKES GAUL TO BE FRENCH: Will the Real Mr. French(man) please stand up?

In an effort to understand the growing psychological crisis, the French government, through the facilities of La Poste, sent a survey questionnaire to every household in the nation, attempting to ask the people themselves: What Is It to Be French?

In a stunning 70% mandate, the French voted overwhelmingly to admit they are “annoying”, while 20% voted for “uniformly intolerable”, 6% for “cute as a button”, 1% for “none of your damned business” and a mere .8% for “whatever the Fuhrer says”.

French Minister of Interior Design Jacques Bidet-LeBecque was stunned by the results. “I could not believe that La Poste actually delivered the surveys in a timely fashion and failed to go on strike even once during the process! Oh, what has happened to our national pride?”

Writer Gregarus Flippant, a native of New York City, whose study of the French “The Snort Heard ‘Round the World” takes an optomistic view of what others have termed “a crisis of national identity” but he merely sees as a brief period of fatigue. “They are simply tired,” he said, “individually and as a people. One cannot live of wine, baguettes and Nutella without it having some effect on your system. They’re simply experiencing a national hangover.”

“Historically, the French have always been contrary people, but we’ve always put up with them because Catherine Deneuve is so pretty,” says Prof. Zubin Motzah, Dean of French Studies at St. Probiscis University in Kensington, England. “However, if we closely examine the results of the French National Survey we can see that under the heading ‘What as a Frenchman Do You Dislike Most?’, the top answer is Weekly Baths With Soap, beating out Psoriasis by three to one and Nazis by over five to one. So, happily, traces of the French personality survive.”

This is little consolation to Fred and Minnie Carbuncle of Dryer Sheets, Florida, the direction seeking American tourists referred to earlier by Jacques Bidet-Cruller. “We did everything we could to annoy them,” cried Mrs. Carbuncle,”but they wouldn’t insult us. It was so humiliating!”

“Listen dammit, “said Mr. Carbuncle, “we even wore Ed Hardy shirts and nothing, no response. It’s infuriating! You spend a lot of money to come overseas to be insulted by the French and they can’t even spit in your direction? It’s intolerable. This is not what the brochures promised.”

The couple walked away, visibly shaken, but as they left, Mr. Carbuncle yelled to an Eiffel Tower that seemed to take no notice. “One thing you can count on, “he exclaimed in a voice filled with emotion, “Travelocity is going to hear about this!”

Consumer Warning: Recalled Leaf Blowers May Lead to Inconvenient Rips in Space

Posted in humor, news, news parody, Obamarama, political humor, political satire, politics, satire, science with tags , , , , , , , , , on October 12, 2011 by chandlerswainreviews

by Jaspar Apismo, Swain News Service

The Federal Department of Garden Implements and Consumer Grumbling has issued a consumer warning that the Wormhole 6000 Coal Fueled Leaf Blower from Bent & Mangle Industries has been recalled due to safety issues detected in product testing at the independent laboratories of Gotcha, Sezyoo & Associates in Lost Fingers, Nevada.

Testing of the Wormhole 6000 Leaf Blower led the Fed to call for a temporary recall until it could be determined if suspected "tearing of the atmosphere" could be harmful to children under the age of 6. (Click photo to play test footage.)

“The blower was just too powerful,” said testing technician Homer Browridge. “Most equivalent equipment averages out about 120 to 240 Miles Per Hour of blowing power, but the Wormhole 6000 produced a force of over 1800 MPH. Needless to say, it might not be recommended around your more fragile perennials.”

“There’s an indication, just the tiniest, teeniest hint that the fabric of the universe could be imploded by one of these blowers, so we implemented a temporary recall just as a precaution,” admits FDGICG spokesperson Alicia Washhands. “On the plus side, it seems to really stimulate lawn growth.”

The manufacturer, the South Boston-based Bent & Mangle Industries had recently received a $537 million research subsidy from the Obama Administration for the development of “green technology” tongue depressors, but with this latest setback and the fact that the company has suspiciously abandoned it’s mail-box drop nor has anyone responded to messages on it’s answering machine, the funding may possibly encounter increased scrutiny by Congress.

Ms. Washhand admits there has been an increasing struggle for American manufacturers to compete with foreign markets on increasingly complex leaf removal technology.

“I’m not certain what has happened to American initiative in this case,” she said, “the innovations have always come from American engineers. We were the first to initiate standard operational features such as insulated cording, illegal alien operators and power throttles, but the manufacturing seems to be cheaper overseas.”

Though movement in the field of American lawn blowing technology may seem to have taken a hit with the recall of the Wormhole 6000, there may be a light at the end of the tunnel, at it comes from a most unlikely source. It seems before his untimely death, Steve Jobs was working on such a product that would revolutionize the field.

JOBS HAS DONE IT AGAIN!: A Huffing Tongue Post Exclusive- a first peek at the innovative design of a new generation of leaf blowers.

Says industry watchdog Morris Hempfilter, editor of the trade journal “Hoes Prose”, “there had been rumors for years about a secret project which would turn the landscaping world on it’s ear, and I’ve had the honor of actually seeing a prototype that has already been assembled. I guarantee you, after a period of testing, we’ll see a final expression of innovative genius that will change our world forever.”