Archive for the news parody Category

172 Year Old Civil War Vet Discovered at Local IHOP

Posted in humor, news parody, Uncategorized with tags , , , on September 6, 2016 by chandlerswainreviews

by Alden Branch- News Desk, Swain News Service

A man who claims to be 172 years old, and a veteran of the American Civil War was found loitering over a spanish omelette in an International House of Pancakes located in downtown Gettysburg, Pennsylvania. Chelmsford Chaney who claims to have wandered off of the local battleground after, in his words, “waiting for the rest of my regiment to come and get me”, was questioned by local police when he attempted to pay for his meal  with Confederate bills.

UP IN ARMS: Weatherbeaten and Grizzled, but not looking a day over 160, Chelsford Chaney greets the press at an impromtu media conference.

“I was hiding down in what is known as Seminary Ridge, under a large rock formation, and was waiting for the word to retreat, but no one came,” said the extremely weathered and grizzled man who claims to be the last living soldier of the War Between the States. “I was told to wait for three hours for further instructions,” he said, “but my watched stopped, and I’ve never had a very good sense of time. And then I got hungry so I wandered over here for a bite to eat.”

News of Chaney’s discovery spread around the Civil War-based tourist town with the veteran already receiving several offers for interviews and an offer to be on the next season of “Dancing With the Stars”, but Chaney thinks he’d like to “take it easy for a few days and perhaps take in a show this weekend. I heard rumors that Jenny Lind might be performing at the local theater.” When questioned as to the reason for his extended stay in the pancake restaurant, Chaney simply stated, “I was waiting for my check.”

 


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News in Briefs: Ron Paul Announces: I Would Not Vote For Me

Posted in humor, news, news parody, political humor, satire with tags , , , , on November 8, 2011 by chandlerswainreviews

by Krebus Toppel, D.C. Desk-Swain News Service

NO PEST GRIP: Ron Paul demonstrates the Vulcan death pinch he uses to keep "pesky Republicans" at a distance.

Republican presidential hopeful Ron Paul announced yesterday that he will not support any candidate chosen to be the GOP nominee for the White House in 2012. Citing loyalty with the differing political philosophies of his contributors and supporters versus the rest of the Republican field, Paul went so far to suggest that he won’t support anyone for the Presidency.

“Congressman Paul has made it very clear that at this particular time, there is no qualified candidate to run the country,” said Paul spokesperson Clu Lesser. “As a matter of fact,” he continued, “I have it on good authority that the Congressman advises against voting for him as well.”

“I’ve heard rumors to that effect,” says Paul campaign coordinator Exeter Gravyboat. “Dr. Paul is a firm believer in smaller government and you can’t get much smaller than not electing someone.”

“It’s a fascinating concept,” said Dr.Crainius Kingspittle, Dean of the School of Proportionately Superior Thinking and Chest Thumping at Harvard University. “Choosing ‘no choice’ for the White House is certainly a choice. Not the choice I would choose but a choice to choose nonetheless. But in choosing that choice, is the choice a smart choice? After all, who would officiate at the annual Thanksgiving turkey pardon or sleep with the First Lady?”

Whatever the final outcome, it’s certain to be an interesting election season with campaign signs already littering front yards in New Hampshire, featuring a glowering photo of Congressman Paul with the caption: “Don’t Vote For Ron Paul- Ron Paul Wouldn’t!”

News in Briefs: Biden to Greece: Let Them Eat Feta

Posted in humor, news, news parody, political humor, political satire with tags , , , , on November 7, 2011 by chandlerswainreviews

by Krebus Toppel, D.C. Desk-Swain News Service

OUR MAN JOE: Appearing at the University of Pittsburgh on Friday, Veep Joe Biden educates the students by bringing his world globe to point out "countries and the big wet places where fish swim."

In a typically open display of political candor, Vice President Joe Biden, while speaking to a group at the University of Pittsburgh on Friday, referred to the Greek people as “peppy folk like that Zorba fella” and suggested that if Greece is facing grave financial times then “perhaps they ought to go ask help from that Travolta actor. After all, he was in the movie version and probably made a few bucks. Him and that Aussie singer Olivia Elton-John.”

The Vice-President said that he was sorry he didn’t get to attend the week’s meeting of Economic World Leaders in Cannes, France especially since he too “likes the glamorous moving pictures. Especially the ones with Spanky and that crazy Alfalfa. He’s a hoot.”

When asked if he had any updates on the week’s G-20, the Vice-President excitedly announced: “Bingo!”

HELP WANTED: Person to Repel Imperialist Dogs

Posted in humor, news, news parody, political humor, satire with tags , , , , on October 29, 2011 by chandlerswainreviews

by Alden Branch, Swain News Service

In the midst of the economic crisis facing this country and the stalemate in Congress over President Obama’s fractured Jobs Bill, it would seem unusual to admit that domestic policies are having long-term effects on foreign joblessness, but that’s exactly what’s happening to Middle Eastern terrorist organizations of late. It seems that the recent deaths of several top operatives including Osama Bin-Laden, have left career positions open that few are eager to fill.

“It’s a growing problem,” admits Lattimer Spinebend, Director of Monstrous.com, a world-wide employment agency. “Today’s youth are looking for expansive career opportunities with growth potential, and a fatality rate just gets in the way of a good vacation schedule. And while the promise of 72 Vestal Virgins is an employment inducement, it doesn’t hold a candle to a good dental plan.”

NO LONGER A 10?: Ever since the untimely drone dispersal of sneery mastermind Derekderek Bo-Derek, the Middle East market has turned soft when looking for qualified terror leaders with a photogenic grimace.

Right now, the personnel ranks for such companies as Saudi Arabian-based Al-Queda Ltd. LLC (listed on NASDAQ as GRRR) are overburdened with internships and middle management but the executive class has thinned to all-time low levels. Says Undisclosed Shadowy Source, “If something isn’t done soon to implement a strategic restructuring of the corporation, I don’t see us surviving past  more than another thirty or forty fierce Anti-American taunts and  tongue lashings.”

The lack of a cohesive leadership has had many effects beyond the organizational; funding has recently been in short supply. “We have tried many fundraisers to generate revenue,” says Fiesel Fiesel Ted-Geisel of ShootBulletsInTheAir.com, “but, you know, it’s a bad economy and all. We really took a bath on those ‘I Love Gaddafi’ bumper stickers.”

Fortunately, as with many desert tales, the cavalry has come to save the day, or in this case, the U.S. dollar. It seems that foreign terrorist organizations have applied to the U.S. government for DOE green technology loans and in several cases these applications have been approved.

Says Ramid El-Fasid Kabong of the Syrian underground dating group Meet Your Martyr, “This will be a great help in our fighting the Great Satan and paying our back cable bill.”

“We have received  inquiries from Congressional leaders about this,” admits Department of Energy spokesperson Abel Diffeuse, “and as far as I have been able to detect, all of the paperwork is in order. For instance, this application from the Detach The Head of American Infidel Hidden Cell Collective proposes plans for new explosive sources of energy that are not dependent on foreign oil sources. This is just the kind of thing we are looking for, energy efficiency that’s identified as American!”

Recently the DOE has been under scrutiny for several questionable loans given out, including one for the development of the Fisker automobile, which was intended to create jobs in America and cars for privileged Americans, and though the $529 million loan has, in fact, produced a car for Leonardo DiCaprio,  some dissatisfied Republicans are grousing that the company has moved it’s design and production facilities to the European Detroit: Finland.

“We won’t have that problem with this group,” promises Diffeuse, “as they claim they are ready to move their Hidden Cells onto our shores as we speak.”

NEWSFLASH: Gaddafi Burial Details Revealed

Posted in humor, news, news parody, political humor, satire with tags , , , , on October 27, 2011 by chandlerswainreviews

by Jaspar Apismo,  Swain News Service


TAKING THE FINAL PLUNGE: "It appears someone goofed," said Libyan observer Noodel Al-Ramen, "the burial called for a sandy place but someone must have thought they said 'go to the sandbox'".

Days after the accidental beating and shooting death of Libyan dictator Muammar Gaddafi, The Hufffing Tongue Post has received access to exclusive footage of what is believed to be his supposedly secret burial . Witnessed by only a few unnamed persons and his cat Minxy, Gaddafi was buried under strict Libyan Rebel rules befitting rulers who “live a peaceful life, honor thy women by wearing thy clothing and scattering thy seed unto the fold in prelude to screaming, killing, torturing and maiming.”

Exclusive footage of the presumed burial obtained from unnamed sources was too shaky to provide a clear image and so the film was sent to one of the most respected digital effects houses in Hollywood, where it was recreated at no small expense using the latest in CGI technology as well as featuring noted stunt cat “Halibut” who was previously seen in the motion pictures “The King’s Speech”, “Million Dollar Baby” and “Critters 3”. During the recreation production, agents from the ASPCA were present to ensure that no animals were harmed in the making of the footage. Sensitive viewers are to be advised that the footage is extremely graphic.

Obama-Biden Find Their Backs To The Future

Posted in humor, news, news parody, political satire, satire with tags , , , , on October 25, 2011 by chandlerswainreviews

by Masterson Johnson, Swain News Service

    Heedless of the ongoing controversy surrounding the bankruptcy of fledgling Green Technology Manufacturer Solyndra, sources at the White House have revealed that both President Obama and Vice-President Joe Biden will spearhead a national effort to promote the burgeoning technologies of Tomorrow that all analysts insist will be the bellwether of international economy in the near future.

    The push will encompass massive expansion of infrastructure and complete overhaul of the transcontinental transportation system.

    “It’s time to roll up our sleeves and get to work solving problems instead of problem solving,” said the President at a confused conference of Bulgarian diplomats who neither understand English nor give a hoot about America’s infrastructure.

Obama Going To The Dogs: In a spirited moment, The Prez manipulates his image of Secretary of State Hillary Clinton.

    “In retrospect, it wasn’t the most thought out conference we’ve ever held,” said White House spokesperson Myah Opiah, “but the good news is, the delegation was very amused by the President’s display of shadow puppet wizardry. Some languages reach across all borders.”

    Indeed the formal display of dozens of different barnyard animals through finger manipulation seemed hypnotic to the delegation who seemed not to be able to believe what they were witnessing, and there were apparently several requests for the President to repeat his mule manipulations as several mutterings of “jackass” could be heard from the crowd.

The substance of the President’s message was very clear: “America needs to move into the future,” he said forming a llama with a clenched fist and a pinkie finger. “It’s not as if we can go back in time, but if we could it would be real cool ’cause that cave chick who looked like Raquel Welch was really foxy.” With this in mind, President Obama and V.P. Joe Biden have spearheaded a plan to put America, if not back on it’s feet, at least back riding the rails.

    “Trains are integral to our future advancement into the future,” said the President, posing significantly with an impressively majestic cloud formation behind his head. “They were the lifeline of our country for over a century and they have been shabbily treated. If they were good enough for our great-grandfathers, they’re good enough for us.”

    “It’s called the H.O.B.O. Initiative,” said Department of Transportation Deputy Commissioner of Evading Rail Conductors, Eliza Piffle. “In this economy, we’re particularly excited about the notion of  the youth of our nation experiencing the grandeur of our Nation again, especially from the top of a boxcar.”

ALL ABOARD!: Unidentified member of White House staff poses with prototype of Obama sponsored rail technology that the Prez has given Amtrak a blank check to develop.

According to undisclosed White House source Special Agent Thaddeus LipSlip, now formerly of the Presidential security detail, the inspiration for the rail plan came one morning last August during a Cabinet briefing which was occasionally interrupted by Vice President Joe Biden “making ‘Woo Woo’ sounds and circling the table acting like a locomotive, shaking a box of Good ‘n Plenty in front of him. After doing this several times, the President seized upon the idea of reconstructed trains which he put immediately to paper… well as immediately as he could after unclenching the Vice President from the choke hold he had him in.”

Skeptics of the plan state that enthusiasm for railroad travel has diminished since the advent of more rapid forms of travel such as cars, airplanes and jogging, but the President remains resolute in his support of the plan.

Says White House spokesperson Myah Opiah,”The President remains resolute in his support of the plan. Suppose the American people gave up on hula hoops, the typewriter or the wireless radio, where would we be now?”

Environmental critics have pointed to the fact that locomotives run on coal, hardly a clean source of energy and that the resulting addition of toxic pollutants to the atmosphere could have dire consequences to the planetary climate, including continued enlargement of the hole in the Earth’s Ozone layer.

“This is a lot of fuss over nothing,” says EPA Deputy Chief Director of Sneers and Dismissals, Pontius Hammersmith. “We’re talking about Antarctica for crying out loud. This is not the concern of America but the concern of Antarcticans. I suggest if you want to talk about Ozone holes over Antarctica, you tell all of those penguins and prehistoric monsters down there to stop using so much aerosol hair spray.”

Casey Jones could not be reached for comment.

Biden Accusing Teachers of Rape, Murder?

Posted in education, humor, news parody, political humor with tags , , , , on October 22, 2011 by chandlerswainreviews

by Phoebus Mink, Swain News Service

This week, Vice President Joe Biden boldly announced that if President Obama’s pared-down $35 billion Jobs Stimulus package, geared specifically toward teachers and first responders, were not passed, it would mean a widespread increase in violent crimes including rapes, murders and the Kennedys being unleashed on the highways after Happy Hour.

DON'T ASK, DON'T TALK: Veep Joe Biden demonstrates the Obama Administration's new "Bend Over and Assume the Position" position in paying off the nation's teachers to refrain from further violent antisocial activity.

Clearly, with this announcement, the Administration reveals it’s view of America’s education class as a dim one, with the suggestion that if the nation’s teachers are not kept off the streets, they will retaliate with a widespread epidemic of  violence, smoking outside of the Teacher’s Lounge and in the case of a third grade class in Wetpants, Nebraska, falsifying students’ “permanent records which will follow them around for the rest of their lives.”

Discarding their usual message of “Hope”, the Obama Administration seems to be gearing toward a bolder message of “Cringe” that they feel will engage an increasingly disconsolate voting public. While making his dire crime predictions, the Vice President also shocked the attending press by announcing the probable lengthening of cold and flu season, the continuation of the NBA strike and the continued production of “The Apprentice” unless Congress passes the controversial bill.

ECONOMY IN THE SIDE POCKET: The Obama Administration puts new spin on the phrase "dropping the ball", but in their attempts to stimulate job growth with further government stimulus, will all "signs point to yes"?

Rumors around the Nation’s Capitol have been rampant as to what, outside of the threat of joining the Nation’s unemployed, could be fueling this shift in White House optimism; with speculation there is a new source of economic advisement consulted by the administration, but Biden’s responses to the press after his announcement contained no clues as his comments were limited to “My reply is no”, “Reply Hazy, Try Again” and “Concentrate and ask again”.

Some G.O.P Presidential hopefuls are seizing upon this philosophical shift to attack the President on the grounds of “you’ve got the job and I want it.”

From Texas Governor Rick Perry’s campaign headquarters came this message: “The Governor wants it known that he is totally opposed to the views of those who are opposite his viewpoint in what would otherwise be an agreement of views.”

“I think the statement speaks for itself,” said Perry Campaign Coordinator Olive Singleton-Pitt. “The Governor will release an appropriate response as soon as either Cain or Romney say something that makes them look foolish.””

Former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney’s reaction to the latest White House reversal was more specific and full of anger. “Listen,” he said, “I only have one wife and have never considered being a Mormon crazy!”

In the meantime, this week, Vice President Joe Biden is scheduled to speak in Baltimore, in front of a national conglomeration of law enforcement officers, warning of the dangers of stray hall monitors and guidance counselors.

“The sky may not be falling just yet,” advises White House spokesperson Myah Opiah, “but before it does, you can bet the Vice President will be out there sounding the alarm.”