Biden Accusing Teachers of Rape, Murder?

by Phoebus Mink, Swain News Service

This week, Vice President Joe Biden boldly announced that if President Obama’s pared-down $35 billion Jobs Stimulus package, geared specifically toward teachers and first responders, were not passed, it would mean a widespread increase in violent crimes including rapes, murders and the Kennedys being unleashed on the highways after Happy Hour.

DON'T ASK, DON'T TALK: Veep Joe Biden demonstrates the Obama Administration's new "Bend Over and Assume the Position" position in paying off the nation's teachers to refrain from further violent antisocial activity.

Clearly, with this announcement, the Administration reveals it’s view of America’s education class as a dim one, with the suggestion that if the nation’s teachers are not kept off the streets, they will retaliate with a widespread epidemic of  violence, smoking outside of the Teacher’s Lounge and in the case of a third grade class in Wetpants, Nebraska, falsifying students’ “permanent records which will follow them around for the rest of their lives.”

Discarding their usual message of “Hope”, the Obama Administration seems to be gearing toward a bolder message of “Cringe” that they feel will engage an increasingly disconsolate voting public. While making his dire crime predictions, the Vice President also shocked the attending press by announcing the probable lengthening of cold and flu season, the continuation of the NBA strike and the continued production of “The Apprentice” unless Congress passes the controversial bill.

ECONOMY IN THE SIDE POCKET: The Obama Administration puts new spin on the phrase "dropping the ball", but in their attempts to stimulate job growth with further government stimulus, will all "signs point to yes"?

Rumors around the Nation’s Capitol have been rampant as to what, outside of the threat of joining the Nation’s unemployed, could be fueling this shift in White House optimism; with speculation there is a new source of economic advisement consulted by the administration, but Biden’s responses to the press after his announcement contained no clues as his comments were limited to “My reply is no”, “Reply Hazy, Try Again” and “Concentrate and ask again”.

Some G.O.P Presidential hopefuls are seizing upon this philosophical shift to attack the President on the grounds of “you’ve got the job and I want it.”

From Texas Governor Rick Perry’s campaign headquarters came this message: “The Governor wants it known that he is totally opposed to the views of those who are opposite his viewpoint in what would otherwise be an agreement of views.”

“I think the statement speaks for itself,” said Perry Campaign Coordinator Olive Singleton-Pitt. “The Governor will release an appropriate response as soon as either Cain or Romney say something that makes them look foolish.””

Former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney’s reaction to the latest White House reversal was more specific and full of anger. “Listen,” he said, “I only have one wife and have never considered being a Mormon crazy!”

In the meantime, this week, Vice President Joe Biden is scheduled to speak in Baltimore, in front of a national conglomeration of law enforcement officers, warning of the dangers of stray hall monitors and guidance counselors.

“The sky may not be falling just yet,” advises White House spokesperson Myah Opiah, “but before it does, you can bet the Vice President will be out there sounding the alarm.”

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4 Responses to “Biden Accusing Teachers of Rape, Murder?”

  1. That’s good stuff actually, nice work.

    • chandlerswainreviews Says:

      Praise from Caesar! The comic, not the salad….though we are rather hungry at that. Thanks for the reminder!

  2. Teachers! Finally, someone is exposing those smarmy lot. I bet they spend their summers planning the destruction of the educational system, never considering they may be out of a job because their contracts are so iron-clad. The Veep should really look into that this summer instead of campaigning…

    • chandlerswainreviews Says:

      In our research, we have found that both the NSA and CIA have rated the National Teacher’s Association as the greatest threat to National Security after Al-Queda and Celine Dion. Rumors are that the Nixon White House attempted a covert infiltration plan called “Operation: The Dog Ate My Homework” but it failed on to be implemented on the due date.

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