Consumer Warning: Recalled Leaf Blowers May Lead to Inconvenient Rips in Space

by Jaspar Apismo, Swain News Service

The Federal Department of Garden Implements and Consumer Grumbling has issued a consumer warning that the Wormhole 6000 Coal Fueled Leaf Blower from Bent & Mangle Industries has been recalled due to safety issues detected in product testing at the independent laboratories of Gotcha, Sezyoo & Associates in Lost Fingers, Nevada.

Testing of the Wormhole 6000 Leaf Blower led the Fed to call for a temporary recall until it could be determined if suspected "tearing of the atmosphere" could be harmful to children under the age of 6. (Click photo to play test footage.)

“The blower was just too powerful,” said testing technician Homer Browridge. “Most equivalent equipment averages out about 120 to 240 Miles Per Hour of blowing power, but the Wormhole 6000 produced a force of over 1800 MPH. Needless to say, it might not be recommended around your more fragile perennials.”

“There’s an indication, just the tiniest, teeniest hint that the fabric of the universe could be imploded by one of these blowers, so we implemented a temporary recall just as a precaution,” admits FDGICG spokesperson Alicia Washhands. “On the plus side, it seems to really stimulate lawn growth.”

The manufacturer, the South Boston-based Bent & Mangle Industries had recently received a $537 million research subsidy from the Obama Administration for the development of “green technology” tongue depressors, but with this latest setback and the fact that the company has suspiciously abandoned it’s mail-box drop nor has anyone responded to messages on it’s answering machine, the funding may possibly encounter increased scrutiny by Congress.

Ms. Washhand admits there has been an increasing struggle for American manufacturers to compete with foreign markets on increasingly complex leaf removal technology.

“I’m not certain what has happened to American initiative in this case,” she said, “the innovations have always come from American engineers. We were the first to initiate standard operational features such as insulated cording, illegal alien operators and power throttles, but the manufacturing seems to be cheaper overseas.”

Though movement in the field of American lawn blowing technology may seem to have taken a hit with the recall of the Wormhole 6000, there may be a light at the end of the tunnel, at it comes from a most unlikely source. It seems before his untimely death, Steve Jobs was working on such a product that would revolutionize the field.

JOBS HAS DONE IT AGAIN!: A Huffing Tongue Post Exclusive- a first peek at the innovative design of a new generation of leaf blowers.

Says industry watchdog Morris Hempfilter, editor of the trade journal “Hoes Prose”, “there had been rumors for years about a secret project which would turn the landscaping world on it’s ear, and I’ve had the honor of actually seeing a prototype that has already been assembled. I guarantee you, after a period of testing, we’ll see a final expression of innovative genius that will change our world forever.”

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5 Responses to “Consumer Warning: Recalled Leaf Blowers May Lead to Inconvenient Rips in Space”

  1. I was hoping that I could use this recall as an excuse to not have to deal with any leaves this year. Then Steve Jobs had to come along and ruin the party.

    • chandlerswainreviews Says:

      Jason, technological advancements are always an inconvenience. However, we may have good news for you. Our Science Desk indicates a massive cold front about to sweep across the continent soon. All observations this might be the beginning of an apocalyptic Ice Age, so hold onto those lawn bags, as all statistical indicators are this may be The End, and happily there may be no reason left to clean up the yard.

  2. A mind-blowing story if ever I read one.

    • chandlerswainreviews Says:

      Ouch, that sounds very painful. Perhaps we should place a warning label on any stories that would result in inter-cranial explosions, just so the reader would have absorbent paper towels handy, or at least a damp sponge to clean up the mess. Thanks for the exciting consumer tip, I’m certain we can all learn a lesson from.

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