Archive for October 7, 2011

Republicans & Democrats Unite to Outsource Obama

Posted in humor, news, news parody, Obamarama, political humor, politics with tags , , , , , , , , , , on October 7, 2011 by chandlerswainreviews

by Krebus Toppel, Swain News Service

In Washington D.C., when discussing “boots” it is always wise to make certain you are equipped with footwear appropriate to the task. During yesterday morning’s White House press conference, President Barack Obama vowed that if his Jobs Bill wasn’t passed by Congress, they would be “booted out of town.” Surprisingly, members of Congress didn’t take the challenge laying down and in a stunning display of bipartisan unity, the usually fractious Democrats and Republicans reached across the aisle to support the filing of legislation to outsource the Presidency.

“Bottom line, we’re all sick of the guy,” said Congressional Cocoa Caucus leader Melvin Gabsbottom. “I don’t know why he’s so angry with all of us. None of us here on The Hill have done anything.”

WHO'S WHO IN GETTING THE BOOT?: If the White House is outsourced to Mumbai, will President Obama become President "Hi, My Name Is Steve"?

“We’re in a crisis mode right now,” remarked long-time Congressional assistant Jerry Meander, “and we certainly don’t need to be picked on, what with all of the arrangements to be made for the Columbus Day Weekend holidays, Thanksgiving  preparations, not to mention buying Halloween candy and, my God, do you realize the Christmas holidays are right around the corner?”

The proposed bill would retain the Constitutionally imperative Executive Branch office of the Presidency, but outsource it to a location in India, where it has been reported by the Congressional Super Committee that considerable budgetary savings could be found by buying “local” and doing the Presidential laundry on a rock.

Capitol scuttlebutt is that the location chosen was an intentionally strategic one, putting the displaced President on the other side of the Globe, where, as one unnamed former House Speaker said, “whenever that man wants to hold a childish media circus, instead of rudely interrupting Kim Kardashian’s visit with Hoda on “The Today Show”, he’ll be twelve time zones and in the middle of my night’s sleep away.”

Word from the Senate is that there is an almost unanimous consensus to form an exploratory committee to study the possibility of considering the House proposal, if time permits, sometime in the direct or indirect future.

One Senate figure who is rallying around the idea is none other than Vice-President Joe Biden himself. “I think this is a swell idea,” he said, “and I fully support any effort to make the Redskins a stronger team on the offensive line, especially if we can gain a couple of decent draft picks.”

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Burning Flags Burns Impolite Radicals

Posted in humor, news, news parody, political humor, politics with tags , , , , , , , , on October 7, 2011 by chandlerswainreviews

by Alden Branch, Swain News Service

In a bold move of  industrialization that can only advance the American business reputation for originality and adaptability, the major manufacturers of American Flags and Banners have joined forces to increase shipments of America’s Stars and Stripes to nations hostile to our international policies.

Suckers!: American businesses have turned a national insult by impolite dissidents, fundamentalist radicals and college grads avoiding work into a lucrative American Free Enterprise bonanza.

“There is no doubt,” says Jeremiah Wixton Plank, director of the Federation of American Flagwavers, “that the world despises us and for good reason. After all, we have spent the better part of a century fighting oppression, healing the ill, feeding the poor and taking from our own mouths to help others. It’s like being a doting parent and dealing with a roomful of bratty, spoiled children. So like all good children, the rest of the world is waiting for us to die so they can inherit our money and buy a fancy car and cheap women. But,” he adds, ” it’s the smart parent who knows how to make this ingratitude work for them.”

Plank’s plan is very simple. “It’s Economics 101,” he explains. ” The fundamental laws of supply and demand. The only problem with our economy is that we’ve forgotten the basics and only attend to the perks. Since there are so many disgruntled nations that are filled with dissidents who spend full-time careers burning our flag, why not supply them ourselves? After all, who manufactures a better American flag than Americans? And why should someone else make a profit off of our national symbol? “That,” he reminds everyone, “would be simply Un-American!”

Plank may be right. By the latest count from the Bureau of Arcane Statistics and Unmatched Socks, on any given day there are approximately twelve thousand anti-American demonstrations around the world, with a good 18% of them occurring outside the state of California. The need for burnable symbols of the United States is immediate and highly prized.

“On the streets, they’re as valuable as heroin. And when it comes to manufacturing disposable items with high flammability content, no one has a prouder history than America,” declares Habersham Mountebank, President of Denver, Colorado’s Flags R Fun Inc., and a Board member of the North American Association of Manufacturers, Tradesmen and Carpetbaggers. “We can say with pride that when those angry beggars burn our flags, that’s American craftmanship they’re enjoying. None of that crayons on a bed sheet manufacturing you get from your lower end radicals who have no sense of pride in what they destroy. Our flags are strong and colorful. A source of pride to use, bringing real prestige to any group who wishes to ignite them. And at $149.95 a pop, it’s good business.”

This appears to be a rather callous business endeavor, but Mr. Mountebank gives all assurances that a great deal of thought has gone into this enterprise. “Oh yes,” he explains, “you see, there are innumerable regulations and standards for flags manufactured for normal domestic usage. But for these specially exported products, well that’s an entirely different ball game. For instance, not every flag is right for every radical and we have a wide variety. We have flags made from rejected, contaminated cotton fibers laced with asbestos that emit a noxious cloud of particles when burned. Then there’s our Speedo model, in which the fibers are made on a domestically unapproved petroleum based fiber that flashes up instantly like a matchstick. So fast, the radicals can’t even snap a decent picture of their demonstration. Really pisses the hell out of them. And then, of course, there’s our industrial strength fire-resistant Colossus Flag which is you’re flag variation on the old trick birthday candle novelty, only this one keeps self-extinguishing. Drives the dissidents nuts.”

Then it appears that while, on the surface, the “Burn Baby Burn” initiative, as it is known in the trade, is merely a commercial enterprise aimed at profit at the expense of national pride, it actually is an initiative creating a healthy business climate in dangerously troubling economic times, creating jobs, and infuriating the radically inclined consumer with a product designed to poke a finger back in their eyes.”

“You have to understand something,” continues Mr. Mountebank, “Americans are known for their sense of humor. We love a good prank. And too bad if they can’t take a joke. They can’t exactly return a defective burned flag to the place of purchase for a refund, they already burnt it up! It only makes the radicals madder, so what do they do? They buy more of our flags! It’s a self- perpetuating industry!”